Monday, October 14, 2013
Originally, she came to stay with us for just a few days. And then she went home for about a week. Then, her mom called and asked if I would pick her up and take care of her for awhile.
Eleven months later and we are still taking care of her.
My husband and I have always been interested in foster/adoption --we even talked about it before we were married(oh how fun and innocent and simple life seemed back then!). However, we were thinking young children. Babies. Toddlers at the oldest. We knew enough to know that a three year old who has been raised in a terrible environment will have some deep wounds. And those wounds will need lots of skilled care to heal. And we knew we did not have that type of skill.
However, God obviously had different plans than we had.
We planned to have a third child.
God allowed our third child to die.
We planned to then foster or adopt an infant. (My husband clearly said-- no child over 2.)
God brought us a three year old.
Let me be very clear here--I like to be in control. I like to make a plan and then follow that plan, checking off each step as it is accomplished.
She is hurting. Her wounds are very raw. She's angry and lashing out.
Its difficult for me to see the wounds. Instead, I see the tantrums, the disobedience, the meanness. (She's four now and she still poops in her pull-up, but only when she wants to. If she wants a treat-- she'll poop in the potty. If she's angry-- she'll poop in her pull-up. Do you know what its like to change a four year old's poop? Its Disgusting. I HATE DOING IT.)
There are times when I feel so angry at God. "Why, God?" I question Him. I cry out in ager to this God "Why did my baby die? Why did you bring this child to me? Why do I have to deal with an angry, mean, fighting-the-world four year old after everything else that I've been through?"
She doesn't want us to have control over her. She believes that she must remain in control. No matter the consequence. But she cant continue to live like that. She must learn to trust us. She must allow us to take care of her. To trust the decisions we make for her. She must realize that she doesn't see nor understand as we do. She must find rest in our love.
After my tears dry up and the questions stop pouring forth, I hear a small voice saying to me "My child-- I love you. And I have a plan for your life. A plan that you can not see nor understand. My ways are not your ways. You simply must trust Me. You must learn to let go of your plans, to open your tightly fisted hand, to let go of control and keep your eyes on Me. This world, your plans, they will not bring you joy because you do not see the whole picture. You must trust me. "
She and I-- I'm thinking we may have a few things in common.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Tough times this week:
~Waiting in a line and a pregnant lady gets in line behind me. I wanted to run away. I literally had to work really hard to just stand still. Is it crazy that I still feel panicky/sad/angry/jealous when seeing pregnant women? Shouldn't I be better by now?
~My sis in law sent a text announcing her 4th pregnancy. Yep, she was pregnant with her third when I was pregnant with Isaiah, my third. Yep, she got her son. And, yep, she is pregnant again! I am so very happy for them. I am so very sad that its not that easy for me. Now, I'm just waiting for my other sister in law (who was also pregnant when I was pregnant) to announce that she's pregnant....
Sweet times this week:
~Sitting in the nursery that would have been Isaiah's room and rocking my sweet rainbow son "J" while watching my sweet foster son "C" play. Knowing that I have been able to love on two boys who have also experienced a loss in their little lives is somehow comforting.
~Listening to my oldest daughter AnnaGrace call J her "best bud in the whole wide world". I love the sweet relationship between them! I love that she has a little brother here on earth. I am so thankful for his precious, miraculous life.
Confusing time this week:
~Meeting C's mom at the foster care review board meeting, and watching as the board reviewed the case against her and then delivered some hard news. She cried. I felt so sorry for her. I felt a little angry too--why had she done those things to her precious son? Didn't she realize what a gift he was? But, mostly, I felt sorry for her. I wonder what her life has been like. What her life is currently like. I tried to comfort her a little. She asked me to give her son a hug from her. I understand the feeling of losing a son and just wanting to simply give him a hug. I told her I definitely would. And I did.
~Emmie is having a terrible time. She starts counseling on Friday. I hope it helps. I just need to do one whole post on the situation with her. Its just really hard stuff.
~Waiting in a line and a pregnant lady gets in line behind me. I wanted to run away. I literally had to work really hard to just stand still. Is it crazy that I still feel panicky/sad/angry/jealous when seeing pregnant women? Shouldn't I be better by now?
~My sis in law sent a text announcing her 4th pregnancy. Yep, she was pregnant with her third when I was pregnant with Isaiah, my third. Yep, she got her son. And, yep, she is pregnant again! I am so very happy for them. I am so very sad that its not that easy for me. Now, I'm just waiting for my other sister in law (who was also pregnant when I was pregnant) to announce that she's pregnant....
Sweet times this week:
~Sitting in the nursery that would have been Isaiah's room and rocking my sweet rainbow son "J" while watching my sweet foster son "C" play. Knowing that I have been able to love on two boys who have also experienced a loss in their little lives is somehow comforting.
~Listening to my oldest daughter AnnaGrace call J her "best bud in the whole wide world". I love the sweet relationship between them! I love that she has a little brother here on earth. I am so thankful for his precious, miraculous life.
 |
| In the bike trailer together. I know, I know, J looks a little funny here. :) |
Confusing time this week:
~Meeting C's mom at the foster care review board meeting, and watching as the board reviewed the case against her and then delivered some hard news. She cried. I felt so sorry for her. I felt a little angry too--why had she done those things to her precious son? Didn't she realize what a gift he was? But, mostly, I felt sorry for her. I wonder what her life has been like. What her life is currently like. I tried to comfort her a little. She asked me to give her son a hug from her. I understand the feeling of losing a son and just wanting to simply give him a hug. I told her I definitely would. And I did.
~Emmie is having a terrible time. She starts counseling on Friday. I hope it helps. I just need to do one whole post on the situation with her. Its just really hard stuff.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Where do I begin?
Well, they say a picture is worth a 1,000 words, so I'll just share a couple snapshots from our last few months:
Well, they say a picture is worth a 1,000 words, so I'll just share a couple snapshots from our last few months:
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| We landed back in the hospital for the second time this summer. Different little girl. Different problem. STILL.NO.FUN. Hoping and praying for no more hospital stays in the near future! |
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| After our stay in the hospital, we headed to the beach for some R & R. It was a sweet time of much needed rest. And of smiles. :) |
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| We were so thankful for this time away. We did not want to go home! |
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| While at the beach, DSS called (again!) asking if we would consider taking a foster child. This time we decided to say yes. And the Monday we returned, a precious 14 month old boy was brought to our home. My heart breaks for "C" (who is on the left); suffice it to say he has had nothing short of a very very very tough first 14months of life. |
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| Doing life with 5 little ones ages 6yo and under is WiLd and CrAzY :) |
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| And although my arms are never empty these days, my heart still longs, grieves, yearns for the little one that I will never again (this side of eternity) hold. |
There is so much to write. So many emotions in this heart of mine that I need to process. There is still so much sadness over losing Isaiah; there is still so much envy of others and their "perfect" pregnancies and birth stories"; there is unbelief about how a mom could so neglect her 14month old baby boy; there is confusion about why God chooses to take some little babies but He decides to grant life to others; there is a growing awareness of all the brokenness in this world (I truly led such a sheltered happy life); there is a grieving and a questioning of God about all this brokenness.... there are just so many many emotions.
However, my day has been (just a tad) busy, and I am tired.
So, I'm going to sign off.
But I do hope to write again soon.
Monday, July 22, 2013
The other night, I went to our local Women's and Children's hospital and donated some itty bitty diapers (teeny tears), gowns, blankets, and hats.
When I handed them over to the nurse that I had been corresponding with, she explained to the other nurses that they were for the IUFD's (intrauterine fetal demise). The way she said it made me kinda sad. IUFD's? No, they are babies. Babies that were dreamed about, talked about, planned for, hoped for, prayed for, longed for, and loved. Babies that have died. Somehow, hearing them called IUFDs cheapens their lives.
"Dear God,
I pray for each of these mommas. I pray that as they wrap their little ones in these garments that You would wrap Your arms around them. I pray that they would feel Your love and comfort. As their hearts shatter, give them a supernatural peace in their soul. Remind them that in Heaven, every tear will be wiped away and there will be no more goodbyes. Thank You Lord for hope."
When I handed them over to the nurse that I had been corresponding with, she explained to the other nurses that they were for the IUFD's (intrauterine fetal demise). The way she said it made me kinda sad. IUFD's? No, they are babies. Babies that were dreamed about, talked about, planned for, hoped for, prayed for, longed for, and loved. Babies that have died. Somehow, hearing them called IUFDs cheapens their lives.
"Dear God,
I pray for each of these mommas. I pray that as they wrap their little ones in these garments that You would wrap Your arms around them. I pray that they would feel Your love and comfort. As their hearts shatter, give them a supernatural peace in their soul. Remind them that in Heaven, every tear will be wiped away and there will be no more goodbyes. Thank You Lord for hope."
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Dearest Isaiah,
Tonight I feel angry at God. I haven't felt angry at Him in awhile. I don't understand what He is doing, what He was doing. I look at back at pictures that were taken 3 weeks before your birth and I just feel so sad. AnnaGrace and Kate look so innocent and young. What was God doing to take their brother like that? Why God? Why did You do that? Will You really use it for their good? I don't see how that's possible.
On top of that, why have you brought little Emmie here? My heart breaks for her - the things that she has had to endure over the past 3 years are unimaginable. But I question whether we can be the right parents for her. I don't know if we can help her heal. Did You make a mistake? Shouldn't You have brought her to more qualified parents? Its hard. Very hard. And we have already endured hard stuff. I'm tired of enduring hard stuff.
Oh Isaiah, as I type these words, I feel immense guilt. God has blessed so much with giving us baby J. Oh what a blessing that baby boy is!
Oh Isaiah. I love you precious boy of mine!
Love,
Momma
Tonight I feel angry at God. I haven't felt angry at Him in awhile. I don't understand what He is doing, what He was doing. I look at back at pictures that were taken 3 weeks before your birth and I just feel so sad. AnnaGrace and Kate look so innocent and young. What was God doing to take their brother like that? Why God? Why did You do that? Will You really use it for their good? I don't see how that's possible.
 |
| March 2012 |
Oh Isaiah, as I type these words, I feel immense guilt. God has blessed so much with giving us baby J. Oh what a blessing that baby boy is!
My Precious Rainbow
And He has worked a zillion miracles in rescuing Emmie out of the abusive situation. Do I have such little faith that my Abba Father will continue to help us? I am trying to trust Him. But, sometimes, I would like to go back, even if for just a day, and be pregnant with Isaiah. Pregnant and enjoying a normal day with my sweet daughters. I can hardly remember what that life was like. Oh Isaiah. I love you precious boy of mine!
Love,
Momma
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
July 3, 2013
Dearest Isaiah,
The last 15 months of my life have turned out so very different than I could have ever imagined. I went to bed on April 12, 2012 not knowing that my world was about to start spinning out of control (well-- at least feel like it was spinning out of control and I say "feel" because I know, by faith, that God was always in control. it just hasn't felt like He was in control.). Anyways, that night, as I fell asleep with you wiggling in my womb, I didn't know that I was about to lose you. I didn't know that a little baby that I would one day call son was about to be conceived in another's womb. I didn't know that there was a little girl living a few miles down the street who was being abused in wretched ways. I didn't know this little girl would soon be calling me momma. I didn't know any of this. I thought that my simple, easy, in control, nice life would continue on as it always had. Oh was I mistaken!
My life is so very different now.
Here is an example, albeit one small and kinda funny example of how different my life is. Instead of reading this:
I'm reading this:
Yes, I used to love pouring over all things related to decorating. Know that blog Young H0use L0ve? I used to read it every.single.day. :) Now I pour over baby
loss and foster and adoption blogs.
As I think about how different my life is today as compared to the way my life was on April 12, 2012, various emotions bubble up:
1. Sadness-- life seemed so easy. So easy and innocent. And good. Life was good back then, and in a way, I feel sad that life no longer seems this way.
2. Wistfulness-- There is a sense of longing to have that easy, innocent life back.
3. Gratefulness-- Now this, I guess, contradicts those fist two points, but, hey, that's my emotions for you...confusing and, at times, contradictory :) Anyways, back to gratefulness. There is a gratefulness for the things that God has shown me through the loss of you, Isaiah, the adoption of J, and the "fostering" of Emmie. There are lessons that we can not learn during the easy times of life-- lessons only grasped during the trial. Lessons like:
~ I have learned that I am not in control. He is. And it is good to rest in His sovereignty.
~He has taught me to long for Heaven. Every tear, every single tear, will be wiped away. Wow.
~He has taught me that there is much pain in this life. But, He brings beauty from, and in the midst of, that pain. Beauty from ashes. He promises to do this. And He is true to His promise.
These are a few of the lessons that I have learned. Hard but good lessons.
There are many more emotions that I could write about. However, 3 of the 4 children are napping. And if I don't go wake 2 of those 3, they will be up ALL NIGHT LONG -- so I better run. :)
Love you Isaiah!
The last 15 months of my life have turned out so very different than I could have ever imagined. I went to bed on April 12, 2012 not knowing that my world was about to start spinning out of control (well-- at least feel like it was spinning out of control and I say "feel" because I know, by faith, that God was always in control. it just hasn't felt like He was in control.). Anyways, that night, as I fell asleep with you wiggling in my womb, I didn't know that I was about to lose you. I didn't know that a little baby that I would one day call son was about to be conceived in another's womb. I didn't know that there was a little girl living a few miles down the street who was being abused in wretched ways. I didn't know this little girl would soon be calling me momma. I didn't know any of this. I thought that my simple, easy, in control, nice life would continue on as it always had. Oh was I mistaken!
My life is so very different now.
Here is an example, albeit one small and kinda funny example of how different my life is. Instead of reading this:
I'm reading this:
 |
| sorry this picture is upside down-- not sure why it is upside down-- it was right side up when I "selected" it :) for those of you who don't feel like standing on your head to read it-- its a book entitled "Thriving as an Adoptive Family" |
Yes, I used to love pouring over all things related to decorating. Know that blog Young H0use L0ve? I used to read it every.single.day. :) Now I pour over baby
loss and foster and adoption blogs.
As I think about how different my life is today as compared to the way my life was on April 12, 2012, various emotions bubble up:
1. Sadness-- life seemed so easy. So easy and innocent. And good. Life was good back then, and in a way, I feel sad that life no longer seems this way.
2. Wistfulness-- There is a sense of longing to have that easy, innocent life back.
3. Gratefulness-- Now this, I guess, contradicts those fist two points, but, hey, that's my emotions for you...confusing and, at times, contradictory :) Anyways, back to gratefulness. There is a gratefulness for the things that God has shown me through the loss of you, Isaiah, the adoption of J, and the "fostering" of Emmie. There are lessons that we can not learn during the easy times of life-- lessons only grasped during the trial. Lessons like:
~ I have learned that I am not in control. He is. And it is good to rest in His sovereignty.
~He has taught me to long for Heaven. Every tear, every single tear, will be wiped away. Wow.
~He has taught me that there is much pain in this life. But, He brings beauty from, and in the midst of, that pain. Beauty from ashes. He promises to do this. And He is true to His promise.
These are a few of the lessons that I have learned. Hard but good lessons.
There are many more emotions that I could write about. However, 3 of the 4 children are napping. And if I don't go wake 2 of those 3, they will be up ALL NIGHT LONG -- so I better run. :)
Love you Isaiah!
Thursday, June 27, 2013
In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love be with us, Lord,
even as we put our hope in you.
~Psalm 33:19-20
Some days, I just feel sad-- missing Isaiah, wondering what he would be like, wishing things had turned out differently, questioning why God allowed him to die, comparing my life with my friends lives etc etc. On those days, it is good for me to remember that I have something to rejoice over-- God's love for me is unfailing. The Creator of this universe loves me. And His love will never fail.
That thought humbles me. "Thank You, Abba Father for Your love. Thank You that in the midst of the storm, You are holding me. May I sense your love, your unfailing love, more and more."
Sunday, June 23, 2013
This past week found us in the hospital with our daughter Kate.
She woke up one morning with a huge (and I mean HUGE) swollen gland in her neck. With a knot in my stomach, I took her to the pediatrician. I sat there in his office, trying to not panic-- of course, though, my mind feared the worst case scenario (when you have already been the one to experience the "rare", you just come to expect that that will be your lot in life).
The doctor decided we should start antibiotics and wait a few days to see if the gland would respond. If it didn't, we would run some tests. I made it out of his office ok, but as I picked up the other kids at my moms-- I started crying.
I just didn't want to lose her.
That night, Kate didn't sleep at all. She started acting a little confused/spacey. The next morning her temperature went up. Then, I noticed that there was a sore on her ear. A sore right on the spot where she had been bitten by a tick 3 weeks ago.
I called the nurse to see if I should come back in.
She didn't call me back.
I did some research on the type of tick that had bitten her. And sure enough-- it causes a couple of diseases. Serious diseases when not properly treated.
I called the nurse back again (which you are not supposed to do!).
Finally she returned my call and said that it would probably be ok to have Kate just keep taking the antibiotic and that I didn't need to come in.
Um. No. I am not taking that risk. I may be labeled a crazy hypochondriac but I don't care. I regret so very much that I didn't push some issues related to Isaiah. And I carry lots of guilt about not pushing those issues. So, when it comes to my kids and their health-- I am going to be pushy!
And I was.
And she agreed to let me come in. (I am sure she was thinking-- what a crazy mom!) :)
The pediatrician examined Kate and then told us that she needed to be admitted to the children's hospital.
Oh how I wanted to sob. But I couldn't. I had to pretend that everything was going to be ok.
That night, I had to hold my precious daughter down as the nurses tried 4 times (4! times) to draw blood. Listening to her cry, I thought my heart would break. Why were having to go through this??
I just didn't want to lose her.
They decided to start Kate on another medication.
The next day, the doctor said that things weren't looking better; we could probably start anticipating surgery and a week long stay. Sadness just washed over me. I didn't want to walk through this. It was too hard. It was still too close to losing Isaiah.
I didn't want to lose her.
We prayed lots. My mom said she prayed for one solid hour!
Well, the next morning, the gland had shrunk a little, the temperature had gone down, and the bite sight looked better!!!
The doctor said we could go home!!
I rejoiced!
I am so thankful that what could have been very serious, ended up being ok. I know that just because we lost Isaiah, we don't suddenly get a free pass on trials, on the hard things of life, on loss. This life, here on earth, is just hard. There is lots of pain. Lots of hurt. Lots of loss.
One day, thanks be to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, life will be good! There will be no more pain. No more hurt. No more losing.
"Dear God,
Thank you for protecting Kate. Thank you for healing her. God, I know there is so much pain and loss in this life. I ask for your protection over my family. I ask that You would help me to trust You. Help me to keep my eyes on Eternity. Thank You that this life is not all there is."
She woke up one morning with a huge (and I mean HUGE) swollen gland in her neck. With a knot in my stomach, I took her to the pediatrician. I sat there in his office, trying to not panic-- of course, though, my mind feared the worst case scenario (when you have already been the one to experience the "rare", you just come to expect that that will be your lot in life).
The doctor decided we should start antibiotics and wait a few days to see if the gland would respond. If it didn't, we would run some tests. I made it out of his office ok, but as I picked up the other kids at my moms-- I started crying.
I just didn't want to lose her.
That night, Kate didn't sleep at all. She started acting a little confused/spacey. The next morning her temperature went up. Then, I noticed that there was a sore on her ear. A sore right on the spot where she had been bitten by a tick 3 weeks ago.
I called the nurse to see if I should come back in.
She didn't call me back.
I did some research on the type of tick that had bitten her. And sure enough-- it causes a couple of diseases. Serious diseases when not properly treated.
I called the nurse back again (which you are not supposed to do!).
Finally she returned my call and said that it would probably be ok to have Kate just keep taking the antibiotic and that I didn't need to come in.
Um. No. I am not taking that risk. I may be labeled a crazy hypochondriac but I don't care. I regret so very much that I didn't push some issues related to Isaiah. And I carry lots of guilt about not pushing those issues. So, when it comes to my kids and their health-- I am going to be pushy!
And I was.
And she agreed to let me come in. (I am sure she was thinking-- what a crazy mom!) :)
The pediatrician examined Kate and then told us that she needed to be admitted to the children's hospital.
Oh how I wanted to sob. But I couldn't. I had to pretend that everything was going to be ok.
That night, I had to hold my precious daughter down as the nurses tried 4 times (4! times) to draw blood. Listening to her cry, I thought my heart would break. Why were having to go through this??
I just didn't want to lose her.
They decided to start Kate on another medication.
The next day, the doctor said that things weren't looking better; we could probably start anticipating surgery and a week long stay. Sadness just washed over me. I didn't want to walk through this. It was too hard. It was still too close to losing Isaiah.
I didn't want to lose her.
We prayed lots. My mom said she prayed for one solid hour!
Well, the next morning, the gland had shrunk a little, the temperature had gone down, and the bite sight looked better!!!
The doctor said we could go home!!
I rejoiced!
I am so thankful that what could have been very serious, ended up being ok. I know that just because we lost Isaiah, we don't suddenly get a free pass on trials, on the hard things of life, on loss. This life, here on earth, is just hard. There is lots of pain. Lots of hurt. Lots of loss.
One day, thanks be to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, life will be good! There will be no more pain. No more hurt. No more losing.
"Dear God,
Thank you for protecting Kate. Thank you for healing her. God, I know there is so much pain and loss in this life. I ask for your protection over my family. I ask that You would help me to trust You. Help me to keep my eyes on Eternity. Thank You that this life is not all there is."
Friday, May 31, 2013
Ok so this post may or may not make sense-- but let me try...
Night time is usually when I feel the waves of emotions hit. I guess that's because, during the day, I'm so busy and the house is so noisy (with my 3 and then little Emmie, there are 4 kiddos ages 5 and under running around!) that I don't have time to remember. At night, though, it is quiet and I glance over at the pictures of Isaiah and I remember.
And the memories bringing searing pain.
Last night was rough. But it was not just me simply grieving the loss of the life of my son. It was more like I was struggling with the losing itself. Struggling with walking through the terrible experience of finding out that he was dead and then of having to tell my daughters. It was such a shock to find out that he was dead. And when I think of that moment when I did find out he was dead, and when I think of the awful moment of when my oldest daughter found out her baby brother was dead, there is a huge storm of emotions that engulf my heart: shock, fear, sadness, anger. These emotions are intense. They sear. They almost take my breath away. What surprises me is that they don't just come from the actual loss but from experience of the losing. Does that make sense?
Its all still so shocking. I just cant believe it happened. Its been almost 14 months, and I still cant believe it happened.
Miss ya and love ya lots, sweet Isaiah!
Night time is usually when I feel the waves of emotions hit. I guess that's because, during the day, I'm so busy and the house is so noisy (with my 3 and then little Emmie, there are 4 kiddos ages 5 and under running around!) that I don't have time to remember. At night, though, it is quiet and I glance over at the pictures of Isaiah and I remember.
And the memories bringing searing pain.
Last night was rough. But it was not just me simply grieving the loss of the life of my son. It was more like I was struggling with the losing itself. Struggling with walking through the terrible experience of finding out that he was dead and then of having to tell my daughters. It was such a shock to find out that he was dead. And when I think of that moment when I did find out he was dead, and when I think of the awful moment of when my oldest daughter found out her baby brother was dead, there is a huge storm of emotions that engulf my heart: shock, fear, sadness, anger. These emotions are intense. They sear. They almost take my breath away. What surprises me is that they don't just come from the actual loss but from experience of the losing. Does that make sense?
Its all still so shocking. I just cant believe it happened. Its been almost 14 months, and I still cant believe it happened.
Miss ya and love ya lots, sweet Isaiah!
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
In memory of my son, I decided to sew little diapers for Teeny Tears and donate them to my local hospital. I received several items from the hospital when Isaiah was born and I treasure these items (one item is a blanket that I still sleep with every night!). It is nice to do something in his memory and to reach out to the women who will be grieving. If I can help provide even a little itty bit of comfort, it will be worth it. I just really really really wish these little teeny diapers were not needed.
Will post a picture when I'm done. :)
Will post a picture when I'm done. :)
Monday, May 27, 2013
Thinking about my little boy in Heaven...
Do you think that people age in Heaven? Or do they remain the same as when they died? Will I instantly recognize Isaiah?
Thankful for my little crew here on earth...
Do you think that people age in Heaven? Or do they remain the same as when they died? Will I instantly recognize Isaiah?
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| Wish I would have held that sweet, perfect, little hand longer before saying goodbye :( |
Thankful for my little crew here on earth...
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| Have to keep "Emmie's" face covered since she is not legally ours. And the baby really looks like an old man here-trust me he is much much cuter :) |
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Love this. Its by John Piper-- written to a mom who had lost her son to stillbirth.
Amputation is a good analogy. Because unlike a bullet wound, when the amputation heals, the arm is still gone. So the hurt of grief is different from the hurt of other wounds. There is the pain of the severing, and then the relentless pain of the gone-ness. The countless might-have-beens. Those too hurt. Each new remembered one is a new blow on the tender place where the arm was. So grieving is like and unlike other pain.
There is a paradox in the way God is honored through hope-filled grief. One might think that the only way He could be honored would be to cry less or get over the ache more quickly. That might show that your confidence is in the good that God is and the good that He does. Yes. It might. And some people are wired emotionally to experience God that way. I would not join those who say, “O they are just in denial.”
But there is another way God is honored in our grieving. When we taste the loss so deeply because we loved so deeply and treasured God’s gift — and God in His gift — so passionately that the loss cuts the deeper and the longer, and yet in and through the depths and the lengths of sorrow we never let go of God, and feel Him never letting go of us — in that longer sorrow He is also greatly honored, because the length of it reveals the magnitude of our sense of loss for which we do not forsake God. At every moment of the lengthening grief, we turn to Him not away from Him. And therefore the length of it is a way of showing Him to be ever-present, enduringly sufficient.
Amputation is a good analogy. Because unlike a bullet wound, when the amputation heals, the arm is still gone. So the hurt of grief is different from the hurt of other wounds. There is the pain of the severing, and then the relentless pain of the gone-ness. The countless might-have-beens. Those too hurt. Each new remembered one is a new blow on the tender place where the arm was. So grieving is like and unlike other pain.
There is a paradox in the way God is honored through hope-filled grief. One might think that the only way He could be honored would be to cry less or get over the ache more quickly. That might show that your confidence is in the good that God is and the good that He does. Yes. It might. And some people are wired emotionally to experience God that way. I would not join those who say, “O they are just in denial.”
But there is another way God is honored in our grieving. When we taste the loss so deeply because we loved so deeply and treasured God’s gift — and God in His gift — so passionately that the loss cuts the deeper and the longer, and yet in and through the depths and the lengths of sorrow we never let go of God, and feel Him never letting go of us — in that longer sorrow He is also greatly honored, because the length of it reveals the magnitude of our sense of loss for which we do not forsake God. At every moment of the lengthening grief, we turn to Him not away from Him. And therefore the length of it is a way of showing Him to be ever-present, enduringly sufficient.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Uncomfortable Conversations
Ever since Isaiah died, a part of me dreads social situations with other moms (i.e. play dates, lunch group, birthday parties, and my *favorite*... baby showers). One reason I dread these is because of the difficult I'm-not-saying-a-thing-but-I'm-thinking-and-feeling-lots conversations that I will inevitably find myself a part of. Here are some examples:
Today, we had lunch group. One of the moms is due tomorrow (When I was pregnant with Isaiah, I was also due on a Saturday; I very clearly remember what I did on that Friday before my due date--cue onslaught of sad memories and painful flashbacks); anyways, this mom told us that the doctor offered to induce her today and she told him no. I almost had a panic attack on her behalf. I wanted to tell her-- hurry, hurry, get that baby out quick while it is still alive!
(Now, I know in my head that inductions are not always the best route-- but after losing Isaiah, my emotions often just speak louder than my head).
Did I say anything to her? Nope.
Last night, we had some friends over. One of the girls is due in about 3 weeks. She told me that she was telling a nurse (who knows my story), that she has not bonded with this baby as much as she bonded with her other two. Why?
Because of me.
Because of me, she now knows that a healthy uneventful pregnancy can end in tragedy.
I wasn't sure how to respond to this?? Your welcome. I'm sorry. Don't worry-- it only happens rarely and I took one for the team. ???
(I am, though, very thankful when people are brave enough to talk about Isaiah. I would much much rather them talk about his life/death than not talk about it. Even if what they say doesn't always warm my heart.)
Then there was the conversation about future children. I was standing in a group of moms. One mom asks the other-- do you think you'll have anymore kids? She answers and then asks the question back.
As they talk, my heart sinks; my mind says walk away; my feet stay planted.
I don't want them to ask me about future kids. I don't want them NOT to ask me about future kids. Can we just talk about the weather????
These are just a few of the many conversations that I find myself trying to survive.
Any conversations ya'll have had to survive lately?
Ever since Isaiah died, a part of me dreads social situations with other moms (i.e. play dates, lunch group, birthday parties, and my *favorite*... baby showers). One reason I dread these is because of the difficult I'm-not-saying-a-thing-but-I'm-thinking-and-feeling-lots conversations that I will inevitably find myself a part of. Here are some examples:
Today, we had lunch group. One of the moms is due tomorrow (When I was pregnant with Isaiah, I was also due on a Saturday; I very clearly remember what I did on that Friday before my due date--cue onslaught of sad memories and painful flashbacks); anyways, this mom told us that the doctor offered to induce her today and she told him no. I almost had a panic attack on her behalf. I wanted to tell her-- hurry, hurry, get that baby out quick while it is still alive!
(Now, I know in my head that inductions are not always the best route-- but after losing Isaiah, my emotions often just speak louder than my head).
Did I say anything to her? Nope.
Last night, we had some friends over. One of the girls is due in about 3 weeks. She told me that she was telling a nurse (who knows my story), that she has not bonded with this baby as much as she bonded with her other two. Why?
Because of me.
Because of me, she now knows that a healthy uneventful pregnancy can end in tragedy.
I wasn't sure how to respond to this?? Your welcome. I'm sorry. Don't worry-- it only happens rarely and I took one for the team. ???
(I am, though, very thankful when people are brave enough to talk about Isaiah. I would much much rather them talk about his life/death than not talk about it. Even if what they say doesn't always warm my heart.)
Then there was the conversation about future children. I was standing in a group of moms. One mom asks the other-- do you think you'll have anymore kids? She answers and then asks the question back.
As they talk, my heart sinks; my mind says walk away; my feet stay planted.
I don't want them to ask me about future kids. I don't want them NOT to ask me about future kids. Can we just talk about the weather????
These are just a few of the many conversations that I find myself trying to survive.
Any conversations ya'll have had to survive lately?
Sunday, May 19, 2013
I have writers block. Really bad writers block. I have no idea what to blog about-- and its not for lack of thoughts or emotions (because there are certainly plenty of those swirling through this head and heart of mine!). But I want to write -- I want to record and remember this crazy journey that is my life.
So, here are just a bunch of things I've been thinking/feeling lately:
1. Fear. I constantly and I mean CONSTANTLY check to see if this wee baby of mine is breathing. During the day, he sleeps downstairs, in the kitchen, with me right there watching him. I admit--I'm a little paranoid. I see my paranoia and I don't like it. But I guess that's something I have to do battle with right now. Here is an example of my crazy fear: It was all I could do to make myself go to Target today. Not because I didn't want to go to Target. But because baby had not had a good nap all day and was currently sleeping and so I really needed to leave him, at home, sleeping. So I decided to go, alone. Before I left, my husband was instructed to please check on baby every few minutes. I finally got myself out the door ok. And I made it to Target ok. I made it through Target ok (and actually enjoyed shopping alone for a bit!). But, then, on the way home, I heard sirens, and they were headed in the general area of my home. Immediately, sad/scary/not good thoughts started barraging my brain. I wish I could say that I was strong and fought them off and trusted.
But, I cant.
Because I wasn't.
I simply gave in to the bad thoughts and didn't trust.
So, I called my husband and in a calm voice (trying not to let on that I was on the verge of panic) said "Hey-- how are things?"
(what I meant, of course, was--is baby still breathing????)
"Just peachy." were my husbands exact words.
SIGH.
Breathe.
Crazy me.
"Dear God, Please help me to trust You with this sweet precious little one."
2. Envy. This feeling is nothing new. I just still get very jealous of all the women that I know that simply decide one day that they want to get pregnant, and they then proceed to quickly get pregnant, and they then go on to have super healthy pregnancies and, then, at the appointed time, they deliver healthy babies. I'm happy for them. It just kinda hurts. And I'm just a wee bit jealous.
3. Surprise. This goes along with #2. I'm actually surprised at all the healthy babies. I went to a baby shower this week. I just wanted to stare at the belly.
Here are my crazy thoughts:
"There is really a real, healthy, growing, little baby in there. Soon she will be born. She will come out pink and crying. Her mom will snuggle with her. Her big siblings will come meet her. There will be joy... "
For some strange reason, healthy babies are just shocking to me.
4. Sadness. This will always be with me I think. Just missing Isaiah. Missing him so so much
5. Longing. Longing for the day when all will be made right. When mommas wont have to let go of their babies. When arms wont ache to hold the life that should have been. When every tear will be wiped away. Oh how I long for that day.
My daughter Kate told me the other day that her children (she was pretending to be a momma) went to heaven.
"Oh?" I said "Tell me about that."
She proceeded to tell me that they were just swinging on the swing set and went higher and higher and higher and then they went to heaven.
Oh the sweet simplicity of a child's heart. :)
I kinda wish we could all just swing up to heaven.
Seriously, though, one day we actually will be headed there.
Oh how sweet it will be!
Well, its getting late. I need to go snuggle a precious little boy. Here is a picture of said precious little boy:
oh how i love this little boy.
So, here are just a bunch of things I've been thinking/feeling lately:
1. Fear. I constantly and I mean CONSTANTLY check to see if this wee baby of mine is breathing. During the day, he sleeps downstairs, in the kitchen, with me right there watching him. I admit--I'm a little paranoid. I see my paranoia and I don't like it. But I guess that's something I have to do battle with right now. Here is an example of my crazy fear: It was all I could do to make myself go to Target today. Not because I didn't want to go to Target. But because baby had not had a good nap all day and was currently sleeping and so I really needed to leave him, at home, sleeping. So I decided to go, alone. Before I left, my husband was instructed to please check on baby every few minutes. I finally got myself out the door ok. And I made it to Target ok. I made it through Target ok (and actually enjoyed shopping alone for a bit!). But, then, on the way home, I heard sirens, and they were headed in the general area of my home. Immediately, sad/scary/not good thoughts started barraging my brain. I wish I could say that I was strong and fought them off and trusted.
But, I cant.
Because I wasn't.
I simply gave in to the bad thoughts and didn't trust.
So, I called my husband and in a calm voice (trying not to let on that I was on the verge of panic) said "Hey-- how are things?"
(what I meant, of course, was--is baby still breathing????)
"Just peachy." were my husbands exact words.
SIGH.
Breathe.
Crazy me.
"Dear God, Please help me to trust You with this sweet precious little one."
2. Envy. This feeling is nothing new. I just still get very jealous of all the women that I know that simply decide one day that they want to get pregnant, and they then proceed to quickly get pregnant, and they then go on to have super healthy pregnancies and, then, at the appointed time, they deliver healthy babies. I'm happy for them. It just kinda hurts. And I'm just a wee bit jealous.
3. Surprise. This goes along with #2. I'm actually surprised at all the healthy babies. I went to a baby shower this week. I just wanted to stare at the belly.
Here are my crazy thoughts:
"There is really a real, healthy, growing, little baby in there. Soon she will be born. She will come out pink and crying. Her mom will snuggle with her. Her big siblings will come meet her. There will be joy... "
For some strange reason, healthy babies are just shocking to me.
4. Sadness. This will always be with me I think. Just missing Isaiah. Missing him so so much
5. Longing. Longing for the day when all will be made right. When mommas wont have to let go of their babies. When arms wont ache to hold the life that should have been. When every tear will be wiped away. Oh how I long for that day.
My daughter Kate told me the other day that her children (she was pretending to be a momma) went to heaven.
"Oh?" I said "Tell me about that."
She proceeded to tell me that they were just swinging on the swing set and went higher and higher and higher and then they went to heaven.
Oh the sweet simplicity of a child's heart. :)
I kinda wish we could all just swing up to heaven.
Seriously, though, one day we actually will be headed there.
Oh how sweet it will be!
Well, its getting late. I need to go snuggle a precious little boy. Here is a picture of said precious little boy:
oh how i love this little boy.
Monday, April 29, 2013
So my idea of how to catch everyone up on the happenings of the past couple of months is just not working too well. :) Copying my journal entries seemed like a good idea-- but it wasn't. Too confusing. And at the rate I'm going, I'll never catch ya'll up! Which is why I have decided to just sit down and post one very long entry (well, as long as the kiddo's naps allow).
Here goes....
I wrote before about a birth mom, Katie.
Oh and names have been changed (:
I think I told you that Katie looked at profiles.... well, she did, and she chose ours!
I met her and after the meeting she texted me and said she really wanted us to be the baby's family
When I read her text, excitement and joy and fear and unbelief all filled my heart. I called hubby and could barely tell him! Poor guy-- I was a crazy mess! Have I ever told you that he's the calm, stable one in the relationship? Well, he is :)
The baby's due date was still several months away and there was a question about the identity of the birth dad. So, after the initial excitement of her choosing us wore off, I began to seriously doubt the adoption would go through.
Katie wanted me to be with her at doctors appointments-- so I went with her. That was very very difficult for me emotionally-- the first time I watched her lay down on the exam table and then listened as the doctor found the baby's heart beat, I very nearly started sobbing. Flashbacks of losing Isaiah were plentiful, to say the least.
As the weeks went by, I tried so hard not to "bond" with this baby. I didn't want my heart to shatter. Shattering had already happened once. I couldn't go through that again.
I constantly tried to make sure that Katie felt safe enough with me that, if she ever even remotely had second thoughts, she could tell me.
But she constantly assured me, that though it was going to be terribly hard, it was the right thing for her to do. She was very young. This was not her first child. She just couldn't give him what she wanted him to have. She felt very sure that God had brought our family to her and she was very thankful for us.
As the due date approached, one possible birth dad (the one that was mostly likely to be the real one) showed back up on the scene and said he may not want to place the baby for adoption. He couldn't decide. He would think about it.
Aggg!
So, we prayed and waited and trusted and waited and tried to guard our hearts.
What we didn't do was prepare. We did not prepare for a baby. At all. Been there, done that. Wasn't going to go there again.
About a week before the due date, the dad texted my hubby and said he felt like yes he did want to place the baby and felt like yes we should be the family!
My husband was excited!
I guarded my heart.
After all, we didn't know if he was really even the birth dad.
One night, I got a text that the baby was about to be born.
I raced to the hospital.
I walked into the room as the nurses were weighing a precious baby boy.
Such a beautiful beautiful precious baby boy.
I immediately walked over to Katie to check on her.
The nurses handed her the baby.
Holding him close, she started crying.
My heart started breaking. For her. For me. For the baby.
Adoption is born out of sorrow.
It is beautiful, yes, but it is beauty that comes from sadness.
The next morning, Katie was due to sign.
That morning, soon after waking up, I started crying. I did not cry for myself--I cried for Katie. I had recently said goodbye to a son. I knew that pain-- that pain of letting go of a part of you. That pain that no words can describe. Different circumstances, yes, but still, she was saying goodbye to the little one that she had carried close to her heart for nine long months, the little one that was a part of her, the little one that she had just labored to bring into this world.
About 2 hours prior to her scheduled signing time, I decided that maybe I should go ahead and buy a bottle or two. And maybe wash some sheets. I did not pack a diaper bag though. I went to the closet, got it off the shelf. And then put it right back up on the shelf. I just couldn't do it.
At the appointed time, the hubby and I made our way to the hospital. We were ushered into the nursery where we sat with the baby waiting to hear if Katie signed.
Finally, the word came. Katie actually texted me herself. She had signed.
Let me just stop here and say, her love for this baby is incredible. An incredible and strong and amazing love. This baby will always know about the beautiful young girl that was his birth mom.
She signed. She signed!
We had a son!
Could my heart be so full of joy and sadness at the same time?
Let me introduce our son:
Here goes....
I wrote before about a birth mom, Katie.
Oh and names have been changed (:
I think I told you that Katie looked at profiles.... well, she did, and she chose ours!
I met her and after the meeting she texted me and said she really wanted us to be the baby's family
When I read her text, excitement and joy and fear and unbelief all filled my heart. I called hubby and could barely tell him! Poor guy-- I was a crazy mess! Have I ever told you that he's the calm, stable one in the relationship? Well, he is :)
The baby's due date was still several months away and there was a question about the identity of the birth dad. So, after the initial excitement of her choosing us wore off, I began to seriously doubt the adoption would go through.
Katie wanted me to be with her at doctors appointments-- so I went with her. That was very very difficult for me emotionally-- the first time I watched her lay down on the exam table and then listened as the doctor found the baby's heart beat, I very nearly started sobbing. Flashbacks of losing Isaiah were plentiful, to say the least.
As the weeks went by, I tried so hard not to "bond" with this baby. I didn't want my heart to shatter. Shattering had already happened once. I couldn't go through that again.
I constantly tried to make sure that Katie felt safe enough with me that, if she ever even remotely had second thoughts, she could tell me.
But she constantly assured me, that though it was going to be terribly hard, it was the right thing for her to do. She was very young. This was not her first child. She just couldn't give him what she wanted him to have. She felt very sure that God had brought our family to her and she was very thankful for us.
As the due date approached, one possible birth dad (the one that was mostly likely to be the real one) showed back up on the scene and said he may not want to place the baby for adoption. He couldn't decide. He would think about it.
Aggg!
So, we prayed and waited and trusted and waited and tried to guard our hearts.
What we didn't do was prepare. We did not prepare for a baby. At all. Been there, done that. Wasn't going to go there again.
About a week before the due date, the dad texted my hubby and said he felt like yes he did want to place the baby and felt like yes we should be the family!
My husband was excited!
I guarded my heart.
After all, we didn't know if he was really even the birth dad.
One night, I got a text that the baby was about to be born.
I raced to the hospital.
I walked into the room as the nurses were weighing a precious baby boy.
Such a beautiful beautiful precious baby boy.
I immediately walked over to Katie to check on her.
The nurses handed her the baby.
Holding him close, she started crying.
My heart started breaking. For her. For me. For the baby.
Adoption is born out of sorrow.
It is beautiful, yes, but it is beauty that comes from sadness.
The next morning, Katie was due to sign.
That morning, soon after waking up, I started crying. I did not cry for myself--I cried for Katie. I had recently said goodbye to a son. I knew that pain-- that pain of letting go of a part of you. That pain that no words can describe. Different circumstances, yes, but still, she was saying goodbye to the little one that she had carried close to her heart for nine long months, the little one that was a part of her, the little one that she had just labored to bring into this world.
About 2 hours prior to her scheduled signing time, I decided that maybe I should go ahead and buy a bottle or two. And maybe wash some sheets. I did not pack a diaper bag though. I went to the closet, got it off the shelf. And then put it right back up on the shelf. I just couldn't do it.
At the appointed time, the hubby and I made our way to the hospital. We were ushered into the nursery where we sat with the baby waiting to hear if Katie signed.
Finally, the word came. Katie actually texted me herself. She had signed.
Let me just stop here and say, her love for this baby is incredible. An incredible and strong and amazing love. This baby will always know about the beautiful young girl that was his birth mom.
She signed. She signed!
We had a son!
Could my heart be so full of joy and sadness at the same time?
Let me introduce our son:
And that, my friends, is just the beginning....
Friday, April 19, 2013
Dearest Isaiah,
Its over.
I made it.
You have now been away from me for more than a year.
Can that much time really have passed since that dreadfully awful day?
On Sunday, the day of your birth, we decided to have some friends and family over. AnnaGrace called it your birthday party. I was not sure what to call it exactly. Whatever "it" was, it was good in that it kept me busy and didn't allow me to stay in bed all day. My theme for it was hope-- the hope we have that has been an anchor for us through this terrible storm.
Some very dear friends wrote letters to you and bought balloons and "sent" the letters up to you in heaven. AnnaGrace was thrilled to be the one to let the balloons go. But then, when we went inside, she almost cried. Helping her walk through the grief has almost been harder than walking through the grief myself.
After everyone left, we lit a candle and sang Happy Birthday to you. Your sisters all blew it out together. AnnaGrace had wrapped a gift for you. And so did I. So we unwrapped the gifts.
By that time, I was just plain exhausted. Too exhausted to even cry.
So I finished cleaning up and went to bed.
So, how do I feel about passing the one year mark? I am definitely a little relieved. I am definitely very sad. And I am thankful that we made it. There were days when I wasn't sure if we would make it. But we did! I've thought about if I could go back and meet the Julie that just found out that her precious baby had died-- I've thought about what I would tell her. And I think I would just give her a hug and say, "You will make it. It will be hard, oh so hard, but you will make it. Give yourself grace. Grace to grieve in the way you need to. Even if no one else understands. And keep your thoughts focused, not on the hopelessness of death, but on the promise of eternal life. Your son lives. Just not in your arms. You will make it."
Oh Isaiah, I think of you constantly. I miss you incredibly.
Much love,
Momma
What would you tell yourself if you could go back?
Its over.
I made it.
You have now been away from me for more than a year.
Can that much time really have passed since that dreadfully awful day?
On Sunday, the day of your birth, we decided to have some friends and family over. AnnaGrace called it your birthday party. I was not sure what to call it exactly. Whatever "it" was, it was good in that it kept me busy and didn't allow me to stay in bed all day. My theme for it was hope-- the hope we have that has been an anchor for us through this terrible storm.
Some very dear friends wrote letters to you and bought balloons and "sent" the letters up to you in heaven. AnnaGrace was thrilled to be the one to let the balloons go. But then, when we went inside, she almost cried. Helping her walk through the grief has almost been harder than walking through the grief myself.
After everyone left, we lit a candle and sang Happy Birthday to you. Your sisters all blew it out together. AnnaGrace had wrapped a gift for you. And so did I. So we unwrapped the gifts.
So I finished cleaning up and went to bed.
So, how do I feel about passing the one year mark? I am definitely a little relieved. I am definitely very sad. And I am thankful that we made it. There were days when I wasn't sure if we would make it. But we did! I've thought about if I could go back and meet the Julie that just found out that her precious baby had died-- I've thought about what I would tell her. And I think I would just give her a hug and say, "You will make it. It will be hard, oh so hard, but you will make it. Give yourself grace. Grace to grieve in the way you need to. Even if no one else understands. And keep your thoughts focused, not on the hopelessness of death, but on the promise of eternal life. Your son lives. Just not in your arms. You will make it."
Oh Isaiah, I think of you constantly. I miss you incredibly.
Much love,
Momma
What would you tell yourself if you could go back?
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Dearest Isaiah,
I am sitting by your grave typing this in my phone. The day is gorgeous- for that I am very thankful. I have been fighting back tears all day - well actually all week. As I struggle to make it through today and tomorrow, I have been thinking a lot about the death if my Savior. Had He not died - I would be outrageously angry at God for taking my son. Not that that would matter - because being God, He has the express privelege of doing what He pleases. But the fact that God willingly sent his one and only son to die for me - the fact that my savior died for me means that I can trust him. I can know that he is for me and not against me. I can know that he will redeem that which was lost. As I sit by your grave--I think of the beautiful scandalous cross and my soul rests.
Love you so very much Isaiah,
Mom
I am sitting by your grave typing this in my phone. The day is gorgeous- for that I am very thankful. I have been fighting back tears all day - well actually all week. As I struggle to make it through today and tomorrow, I have been thinking a lot about the death if my Savior. Had He not died - I would be outrageously angry at God for taking my son. Not that that would matter - because being God, He has the express privelege of doing what He pleases. But the fact that God willingly sent his one and only son to die for me - the fact that my savior died for me means that I can trust him. I can know that he is for me and not against me. I can know that he will redeem that which was lost. As I sit by your grave--I think of the beautiful scandalous cross and my soul rests.
Love you so very much Isaiah,
Mom
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
I knew that this week leading up to Isaiah's one year birthday would be hard-- I just didn't realize that it would be this hard. It has been a long time since I've cried this much. Reliving the events surrounding his death and birth are not fun. I constantly think back to what I was doing a year ago. A year ago yesterday, I had a doctors visit. They did an ultrasound and he looked healthy. Everything looked good. But, of course, something was not good. Something was wrong. Oh how I wish that I knew what that something was.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed by grief, I think of the other ladies whose stories I have read and that brings me comfort. I know that I am not alone in my grief. I know that there are women who truly understand. I know that I will make it-- just like they are making it. Life for me, and for them, is different and it will never return to what used to be normal, but we will make it.
Oh Isaiah, how I long to hold you in my arms again.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed by grief, I think of the other ladies whose stories I have read and that brings me comfort. I know that I am not alone in my grief. I know that there are women who truly understand. I know that I will make it-- just like they are making it. Life for me, and for them, is different and it will never return to what used to be normal, but we will make it.
Oh Isaiah, how I long to hold you in my arms again.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Dec 1, 2012
Dearest Isaiah,
So much is happening right now-- its kinda crazy. Last night, Emmie's mom texted and asked for us to drop her off at her house. So we, of course, did. It didn't appear to be the greatest situation. Emmie did not want to go. I am so sad for her. I hope that she is safe. I'll never forget those sweet big brown eyes looking at me as I left. Praying for her lots.
In adoption news-- Jane is showing the birth mom the profiles on Monday. I am desperately trying to not think about it-- desperately trying to guard my heart. But it is so difficult. The fact that I even dreamed about it last night shows how much I'm not thinking about it! :)
In health news-- I feel ridiculously awful. I'm on yet another round of antibiotics for a sinus/ear infection which wont go away. The fact that it wont go away makes me think, of course, that I have a brain tumor. This grieving thing has so many ugly facets-- fear of dying being one of them. :(
"Dear God, Please protect Emmie. Please heal me. Please be present. Amen"
Love you Isaiah,
Dearest Isaiah,
So much is happening right now-- its kinda crazy. Last night, Emmie's mom texted and asked for us to drop her off at her house. So we, of course, did. It didn't appear to be the greatest situation. Emmie did not want to go. I am so sad for her. I hope that she is safe. I'll never forget those sweet big brown eyes looking at me as I left. Praying for her lots.
In adoption news-- Jane is showing the birth mom the profiles on Monday. I am desperately trying to not think about it-- desperately trying to guard my heart. But it is so difficult. The fact that I even dreamed about it last night shows how much I'm not thinking about it! :)
In health news-- I feel ridiculously awful. I'm on yet another round of antibiotics for a sinus/ear infection which wont go away. The fact that it wont go away makes me think, of course, that I have a brain tumor. This grieving thing has so many ugly facets-- fear of dying being one of them. :(
"Dear God, Please protect Emmie. Please heal me. Please be present. Amen"
Love you Isaiah,
Friday, April 5, 2013
April 5, 2013
This past week, I started battling feelings of guilt again. Why did I try for a VBAC? Why why why? The regret that I have over that decision is immense and, at times, overwhelming. Oh how I wish I could go back in time and opt to have the c-section. Even if the something that was terribly wrong with Isaiah would have caused him to die shortly after birth-- at least he would have been born alive. At least I could have met my precious son, held him in my arms, and looked into his sweet eyes. At least he would have a birth certificate. And maybe, just maybe, his life could have been spared.
On Tuesday night, some girls from my old "community" group met together. They were very sweet to ask how I was doing. In response, I just started crying. I shared with them how I was feeling so very guilty. What a blessing they were as they wrapped their arms around me, allowed me to cry, and spoke gentle words of truth--directing me back to the One who created Isaiah and planned his days before there was even one.
So thankful for friends. And Truth.
Nine more days.
I'm ready for the one year mark to be behind me.
And now, I'll continue with another journal entry...
November 28, 2012
Dearest Isaiah,
Yesterday Jane called. In typical Jane fashion, she was talking fast. And, of course, in the midst of her conversation, her cell phone kept losing service. Aggg! Finally, I got the story. Here's the scoop... There is a birth mom Katie who is due Feb 9th. She had been matched with an adoptive couple but now that adoptive mom is pregnant and the couple wants to back out. So, do we want to submit our profile??? Oh and the baby is a boy. :)
Agggg.
My emotions are crazy right now..
I'm really trying to think it wont happen. But its so hard.
Lots to pray about!
Love you sweet boy!
This past week, I started battling feelings of guilt again. Why did I try for a VBAC? Why why why? The regret that I have over that decision is immense and, at times, overwhelming. Oh how I wish I could go back in time and opt to have the c-section. Even if the something that was terribly wrong with Isaiah would have caused him to die shortly after birth-- at least he would have been born alive. At least I could have met my precious son, held him in my arms, and looked into his sweet eyes. At least he would have a birth certificate. And maybe, just maybe, his life could have been spared.
On Tuesday night, some girls from my old "community" group met together. They were very sweet to ask how I was doing. In response, I just started crying. I shared with them how I was feeling so very guilty. What a blessing they were as they wrapped their arms around me, allowed me to cry, and spoke gentle words of truth--directing me back to the One who created Isaiah and planned his days before there was even one.
So thankful for friends. And Truth.
Nine more days.
I'm ready for the one year mark to be behind me.
And now, I'll continue with another journal entry...
November 28, 2012
Dearest Isaiah,
Yesterday Jane called. In typical Jane fashion, she was talking fast. And, of course, in the midst of her conversation, her cell phone kept losing service. Aggg! Finally, I got the story. Here's the scoop... There is a birth mom Katie who is due Feb 9th. She had been matched with an adoptive couple but now that adoptive mom is pregnant and the couple wants to back out. So, do we want to submit our profile??? Oh and the baby is a boy. :)
Agggg.
My emotions are crazy right now..
I'm really trying to think it wont happen. But its so hard.
Lots to pray about!
Love you sweet boy!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
March 31
Dearest Isaiah,
Today is Easter, and two weeks from today is your birthday.
Hope & pain.
Joy & sorrow.
Life & death.
Eternal & temporal.
These opposing realities are colliding in my heart and my mind.
The Truth is, death brought life. Without the death of my precious Savior, there could be no eternal life. Life because of death. Beauty from ashes. I am so thankful that Jesus, for the joy set before Him, endured the cross. I am so thankful that God punished His one and only son in my place.
The truth is that without your death, Isaiah, Daniel and I would not be as focused on eternity, on Heaven, on serving our Lord and Savior. We are different people. The things that God is doing in us are good and beautiful and full of life.
There is a sadness though. Because the truth is, death is our enemy. It brings sadness. And my heart is still very sad. When I watched your cousin last night-- just 2 months younger than you- toddle around, learning to walk and give high fives, there is a pain in my heart that is so very great. When your sister cries before going to sleep at night and tells me for the 5 millionth time that she is scared that I may die too (because this death thing-- apparently it can strike anyone anywhere), I just want to weep. My precious daughter should not have to fear these things.
But, in the midst of all this pain and sadness, there is this hope. Hope that is sure. Hope that is an anchor for my storm tossed soul. Death WILL be conquered. And Christ HAS risen from the grave to prove it.
One day, I WILL be in Heaven with my precious Savior, and with you, my sweet son.
In the midst of such sorrow, this hope, this Truth-- oh how it brings such comfort and joy.
Oh Isaiah-- Praise God for ALL He has done!!
An amazing song.
Dearest Isaiah,
Today is Easter, and two weeks from today is your birthday.
Hope & pain.
Joy & sorrow.
Life & death.
Eternal & temporal.
These opposing realities are colliding in my heart and my mind.
The Truth is, death brought life. Without the death of my precious Savior, there could be no eternal life. Life because of death. Beauty from ashes. I am so thankful that Jesus, for the joy set before Him, endured the cross. I am so thankful that God punished His one and only son in my place.
The truth is that without your death, Isaiah, Daniel and I would not be as focused on eternity, on Heaven, on serving our Lord and Savior. We are different people. The things that God is doing in us are good and beautiful and full of life.
There is a sadness though. Because the truth is, death is our enemy. It brings sadness. And my heart is still very sad. When I watched your cousin last night-- just 2 months younger than you- toddle around, learning to walk and give high fives, there is a pain in my heart that is so very great. When your sister cries before going to sleep at night and tells me for the 5 millionth time that she is scared that I may die too (because this death thing-- apparently it can strike anyone anywhere), I just want to weep. My precious daughter should not have to fear these things.
But, in the midst of all this pain and sadness, there is this hope. Hope that is sure. Hope that is an anchor for my storm tossed soul. Death WILL be conquered. And Christ HAS risen from the grave to prove it.
One day, I WILL be in Heaven with my precious Savior, and with you, my sweet son.
In the midst of such sorrow, this hope, this Truth-- oh how it brings such comfort and joy.
Oh Isaiah-- Praise God for ALL He has done!!
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Nov 22
Dearest Isaiah,
Today is Thanksgiving. When I look back a year ago-- I probably thought this Thanksgiving would be good. But its terrible. You are not here. Oh Isaiah- this faith thing- this believing that God is really who He says He is- that He really is involved- that He really does care is hard. Very Very hard.
My mom and I end our fast from sugar today. I had so prayed that God would bring a baby by today. I believe He still can. Oh how wonderful a call would be!
My devotional for today:
"Do You believe that I am able to do this?" Matt. 9:28 Wow-- yes I do believe.
Isaiah baby-- I wish you and your 7 1/2month self were coming to the beach with us today. I wish I was packing up the pack and play, your clothes, your diapers....
Missin ya.
Love ya!
Nov 25
"But when the most stable becomes unstable, there should be no fear because of the transcendent stability of God."
Dearest Isaiah-- over the last 7 1/2 months much of what was stable in my life has become unstable. But God has remained. Stable and constant. And present. I haven't always felt his presence, but I know He is here.
Nov 26
Dearest Isaiah,
About 30 minutes after we returned from the beach yesterday, a little girl (3yo)(nicknamed Emmie for privacy) came to stay with us. The director had called me on Thanksgiving Day (yes, the very day my mom and I ended our fast!) and asked if I would be willing to watch her some. Her home life is not the best. I was headed out the door to the beach, but said we would when we got home! Well, we are home and she is here. AnnaGrace and Kate have all done pretty good with her so far but we will see if the honeymoon period wears off.
Maybe God has a sense of humor. I want a baby boy. I have prayed and fasted for a baby boy. I have gotten a 3 yo girl :) All kidding aside, I am so very thankful we can provide a safe haven for her. I prayed over her last night as she slept. I know God hears. I know He is powerful. I hope we can see beauty come from ashes.
Oh and when we got home, we found a note on our mailbox.
"God is faithful"
Well, sweet boy, b/c of your life and death, a precious 3 yo is having a safe place to sleep tonight. Wonder what God is going to do with this situation?
Love ya!
Dearest Isaiah,
Today is Thanksgiving. When I look back a year ago-- I probably thought this Thanksgiving would be good. But its terrible. You are not here. Oh Isaiah- this faith thing- this believing that God is really who He says He is- that He really is involved- that He really does care is hard. Very Very hard.
My mom and I end our fast from sugar today. I had so prayed that God would bring a baby by today. I believe He still can. Oh how wonderful a call would be!
My devotional for today:
"Do You believe that I am able to do this?" Matt. 9:28 Wow-- yes I do believe.
Isaiah baby-- I wish you and your 7 1/2month self were coming to the beach with us today. I wish I was packing up the pack and play, your clothes, your diapers....
Missin ya.
Love ya!
Nov 25
"But when the most stable becomes unstable, there should be no fear because of the transcendent stability of God."
Dearest Isaiah-- over the last 7 1/2 months much of what was stable in my life has become unstable. But God has remained. Stable and constant. And present. I haven't always felt his presence, but I know He is here.
Nov 26
Dearest Isaiah,
About 30 minutes after we returned from the beach yesterday, a little girl (3yo)(nicknamed Emmie for privacy) came to stay with us. The director had called me on Thanksgiving Day (yes, the very day my mom and I ended our fast!) and asked if I would be willing to watch her some. Her home life is not the best. I was headed out the door to the beach, but said we would when we got home! Well, we are home and she is here. AnnaGrace and Kate have all done pretty good with her so far but we will see if the honeymoon period wears off.
Maybe God has a sense of humor. I want a baby boy. I have prayed and fasted for a baby boy. I have gotten a 3 yo girl :) All kidding aside, I am so very thankful we can provide a safe haven for her. I prayed over her last night as she slept. I know God hears. I know He is powerful. I hope we can see beauty come from ashes.
Oh and when we got home, we found a note on our mailbox.
"God is faithful"
Well, sweet boy, b/c of your life and death, a precious 3 yo is having a safe place to sleep tonight. Wonder what God is going to do with this situation?
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Nov 19
Dearest Isaiah- Oh how heavy is my heart. Yesterday and this morning have been difficult. I feel so down- so much like God is not hearing me, so distant from Him. The day is cold and overcast-- I really don't like winter! Everything just seems bleak.
My devotional reading for day:
"Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again." Ps 71:20
"No matter how many twists and turns the road may have, there is always one smooth, straight portion. Even the longest night has a sunrise, and the winter snow may stay quite some time, but it will finally melt. Your heart that has forgotten how to sing will break forth in thankful and jubilant song..."
Dear God-- My night seems unending, the cold unbearable. Lord God, You said You would not give me more than I can bear, You said there are seasons/times-- a time to be sad but a also a time to rejoice. You said that You hear my cries. You said weeping may endure for a night but joy will come in the morning. God, that means the night must end at some point. The morning must come. And with it, joy. You are a faithful God. What You promise, You do. Please oh God, I beg for this night to be over. For sunrise to come. And with it, joy and light and warmth."
Oh Isaiah- I love you lots. I look forward to the day when I will see you again.
Dearest Isaiah- Oh how heavy is my heart. Yesterday and this morning have been difficult. I feel so down- so much like God is not hearing me, so distant from Him. The day is cold and overcast-- I really don't like winter! Everything just seems bleak.
My devotional reading for day:
"Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again." Ps 71:20
"No matter how many twists and turns the road may have, there is always one smooth, straight portion. Even the longest night has a sunrise, and the winter snow may stay quite some time, but it will finally melt. Your heart that has forgotten how to sing will break forth in thankful and jubilant song..."
Dear God-- My night seems unending, the cold unbearable. Lord God, You said You would not give me more than I can bear, You said there are seasons/times-- a time to be sad but a also a time to rejoice. You said that You hear my cries. You said weeping may endure for a night but joy will come in the morning. God, that means the night must end at some point. The morning must come. And with it, joy. You are a faithful God. What You promise, You do. Please oh God, I beg for this night to be over. For sunrise to come. And with it, joy and light and warmth."
Oh Isaiah- I love you lots. I look forward to the day when I will see you again.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
November 18
Dearest Isaiah-
Yesterday, while I was eating breakfast, I checked my email. There was an email about a preemie baby boy that had just been born. He was in the NICU in Fl. I was immediately excited! BUT, the birth mom had aids and her drug tests were positive. I ran up the stairs to show Daniel the email. We talked, researched, prayed, researched, prayed, researched, talked and then had to hurry to go the girls' Thanksgiving program. Arrgg-- all I could think of was the baby. Finally, we left :) I asked Daniel what he thought. He said we should submit! He was very excited about this scenario-- something he had not been in the previous scenarios that we had seen and decided against. We got all the necessary paperwork together and submitted it. I tried to stay calm (I'm not so great at staying calm!). We found out that there were 5 other families interested in adopting this baby boy. We were going to be told that night who the birth mom chose.
Of course, we had previously invited all of our families over for dinner. I so wished we could cancel because I did not want the call to come while they were here!
They came.
Time ticked slowly.
The fam would not leave. :)
The phone rang.
I ran upstairs to answer.
The had not chosen us-- she chose a couple with no children.
I was sad (but very happy for the other couple-- I have 2 precious daughters. They had no living children. Truly, I was thankful that they were getting a precious gift!).
I know and trust that it was God saying-- this is not your son (my mom had fasted and prayed all day!!).
It was still hard. I had let myself daydream about the possibilities...
Just one more (albeit small) loss.
On top of that --I'm on an antibiotic. I finally went to the doctor. I had a red ear, red throat, and wheezing/crackles in my lungs (no wonder I feel awful!). Hopefully all the congestion is what is causing my headaches(vs my biggest fear-- a brain tumor!). Still feeling kinda miserable. Will life ever again be easy, predictable, joyful??
"Dear Father- I am Your bond servant. You are holy. You are the King of Kings. You have the right to do whatever You choose with my life. But I do know that You love me as well; that You hear and see. Please God, please bring healing and please bring a son. Help me to trust You in this storm."
Oh Isaiah-- I love you lots!!
Dearest Isaiah-
Yesterday, while I was eating breakfast, I checked my email. There was an email about a preemie baby boy that had just been born. He was in the NICU in Fl. I was immediately excited! BUT, the birth mom had aids and her drug tests were positive. I ran up the stairs to show Daniel the email. We talked, researched, prayed, researched, prayed, researched, talked and then had to hurry to go the girls' Thanksgiving program. Arrgg-- all I could think of was the baby. Finally, we left :) I asked Daniel what he thought. He said we should submit! He was very excited about this scenario-- something he had not been in the previous scenarios that we had seen and decided against. We got all the necessary paperwork together and submitted it. I tried to stay calm (I'm not so great at staying calm!). We found out that there were 5 other families interested in adopting this baby boy. We were going to be told that night who the birth mom chose.
Of course, we had previously invited all of our families over for dinner. I so wished we could cancel because I did not want the call to come while they were here!
They came.
Time ticked slowly.
The fam would not leave. :)
The phone rang.
I ran upstairs to answer.
The had not chosen us-- she chose a couple with no children.
I was sad (but very happy for the other couple-- I have 2 precious daughters. They had no living children. Truly, I was thankful that they were getting a precious gift!).
I know and trust that it was God saying-- this is not your son (my mom had fasted and prayed all day!!).
It was still hard. I had let myself daydream about the possibilities...
Just one more (albeit small) loss.
On top of that --I'm on an antibiotic. I finally went to the doctor. I had a red ear, red throat, and wheezing/crackles in my lungs (no wonder I feel awful!). Hopefully all the congestion is what is causing my headaches(vs my biggest fear-- a brain tumor!). Still feeling kinda miserable. Will life ever again be easy, predictable, joyful??
"Dear Father- I am Your bond servant. You are holy. You are the King of Kings. You have the right to do whatever You choose with my life. But I do know that You love me as well; that You hear and see. Please God, please bring healing and please bring a son. Help me to trust You in this storm."
Oh Isaiah-- I love you lots!!
Monday, March 18, 2013
I am nearing the one year mark of Isaiah's stillbirth (April 14th). As I get closer to this day-- I feel like I'm grieving hard again.
I have always loved spring, but now, everything about this time of year brings sadness and painful memories of last year. On Saturday, I was driving to a nearby town--the town that I delivered Isaiah in. It was a beautiful spring morning, just like the day Isaiah was born. It was Saturday, the same day of the week that he was born. I was driving my husband's car, just like we did the day Isaiah was born. Needless to say, all these similarities caused the memories to flood back, and then the memories overwhelmed my heart. I tried to call my mom to distract myself but she was busy and had to go (I didnt tell I was struggling). I decided I just needed to walk through it. After awhile, I thought to myself-- I shouldn't dwell so much on the moments surrounding Isaiahs death. I survived that-- I dont need to relive it again and again. Instead, I need to dwell on the future-- on eternity. He is alive in Heaven and I will have all of eternity to get to know him! Thinking about that helped. At least for a little bit (this grief never goes away for long).
I wanted to ask you guys-- how do you "do" the yearly "birth" day of your precious little ones? Are there any certain things that you do on that day? How do you include siblings in the remembering? I'm trying to plan and just feel at a loss.
I have always loved spring, but now, everything about this time of year brings sadness and painful memories of last year. On Saturday, I was driving to a nearby town--the town that I delivered Isaiah in. It was a beautiful spring morning, just like the day Isaiah was born. It was Saturday, the same day of the week that he was born. I was driving my husband's car, just like we did the day Isaiah was born. Needless to say, all these similarities caused the memories to flood back, and then the memories overwhelmed my heart. I tried to call my mom to distract myself but she was busy and had to go (I didnt tell I was struggling). I decided I just needed to walk through it. After awhile, I thought to myself-- I shouldn't dwell so much on the moments surrounding Isaiahs death. I survived that-- I dont need to relive it again and again. Instead, I need to dwell on the future-- on eternity. He is alive in Heaven and I will have all of eternity to get to know him! Thinking about that helped. At least for a little bit (this grief never goes away for long).
I wanted to ask you guys-- how do you "do" the yearly "birth" day of your precious little ones? Are there any certain things that you do on that day? How do you include siblings in the remembering? I'm trying to plan and just feel at a loss.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Nov 9
Dearest Son,
Your sisters love watching home videos and since Kate had the stomach bug today (um yes-- she threw up ALL over the grocery store--I first attempted to catch it in the palm of my hand and then, upon realizing that it was way too much to catch-I ran for the bathroom, leaving at trail of throw up all the way! While trying to tell a worker that he may have some cleaning to do--some lady approached the same worker to tell him that another shopper had slipped and fallen in something and was still just sitting there in the something!!! I just snuck back into the bathroom. Oh the joys of motherhood!) Anyways, where was I? Oh yes- Kate had the stomach bug and so we camped out on the sofa and watched old home videos all day. I saw the video of AnnaGrace when she was 7 months old (just about the age you would be right now). My heart just broke.
I did some research online (probably not the best thing, but I just want some explanation for your death). Maybe if I had eaten more and taken more calcium/magnesium/prenatals and exercised less, you may have lived. Kate needed calcium at birth. It helped her heart arrhythmias. Maybe it was what you needed to?? I'm so so sorry. I really think you should have weighed more.
AnnaGrace was 8lbs2oz and 20 3/4 inches long (at 1 week early)
Kate was 5lbs14oz and 18 inches long (at 6 1/2weeks early)
You were just 7lbs8oz but you were 21 1/4 inches long (on your due date)
That just doesnt make sense. :(
Maybe I was not absorbing enough nutrients and then DUMB me was not taking all the multivitamins I should have and DUMB me was exercising. No wonder you werent that big!
I'm so sorry.
In other news...
Foster care edu classes are scheduled for Thursdays. And of course, Daniel has to leave town for work. His trip has been put off and put off and now it will most likely fall on the week of the classes. Which means we have to wait one more month to be licensed. Arggg.
I'm very confused about this foster care thing. I wish God would just clearly tell us what to do. I hate being confused. My dream is to adopt a preemie (like Kate was).
"God, I want to love the unloved. I want to minister where I'm needed. But God, can I give up a baby again? If we do foster care and I have to say goodbye--will I be able to do that? Could You bring one for us to adopt first? Then we will love and let go. Oh God are You at work? Are You orchestrating events? It doesnt feel like it. Please God, bring beauty from ashes. Please do it soon. Oh Father, my heart cries out from the pain and sadness. I ask of You-- the mighty God Who is my Abba Father- I ask that You would bring us a son. Please hear my cry. Please before Thanksgviing, before Christmas. I dont think I can bear to love and let go again. So please show Daniel if foster care is not the right path for us. But DSS needs foster parents. And more than anything, I want to care for a little one that needs us. Please be honored, please allow us to love on orphans, please bring us a son. Amen"
Isaiah- I love you.
I'm so so sorry for not being smarter/wiser.
I'm longing for the day I will meet you again,
Dearest Son,
Your sisters love watching home videos and since Kate had the stomach bug today (um yes-- she threw up ALL over the grocery store--I first attempted to catch it in the palm of my hand and then, upon realizing that it was way too much to catch-I ran for the bathroom, leaving at trail of throw up all the way! While trying to tell a worker that he may have some cleaning to do--some lady approached the same worker to tell him that another shopper had slipped and fallen in something and was still just sitting there in the something!!! I just snuck back into the bathroom. Oh the joys of motherhood!) Anyways, where was I? Oh yes- Kate had the stomach bug and so we camped out on the sofa and watched old home videos all day. I saw the video of AnnaGrace when she was 7 months old (just about the age you would be right now). My heart just broke.
I did some research online (probably not the best thing, but I just want some explanation for your death). Maybe if I had eaten more and taken more calcium/magnesium/prenatals and exercised less, you may have lived. Kate needed calcium at birth. It helped her heart arrhythmias. Maybe it was what you needed to?? I'm so so sorry. I really think you should have weighed more.
AnnaGrace was 8lbs2oz and 20 3/4 inches long (at 1 week early)
Kate was 5lbs14oz and 18 inches long (at 6 1/2weeks early)
You were just 7lbs8oz but you were 21 1/4 inches long (on your due date)
That just doesnt make sense. :(
Maybe I was not absorbing enough nutrients and then DUMB me was not taking all the multivitamins I should have and DUMB me was exercising. No wonder you werent that big!
I'm so sorry.
In other news...
Foster care edu classes are scheduled for Thursdays. And of course, Daniel has to leave town for work. His trip has been put off and put off and now it will most likely fall on the week of the classes. Which means we have to wait one more month to be licensed. Arggg.
I'm very confused about this foster care thing. I wish God would just clearly tell us what to do. I hate being confused. My dream is to adopt a preemie (like Kate was).
"God, I want to love the unloved. I want to minister where I'm needed. But God, can I give up a baby again? If we do foster care and I have to say goodbye--will I be able to do that? Could You bring one for us to adopt first? Then we will love and let go. Oh God are You at work? Are You orchestrating events? It doesnt feel like it. Please God, bring beauty from ashes. Please do it soon. Oh Father, my heart cries out from the pain and sadness. I ask of You-- the mighty God Who is my Abba Father- I ask that You would bring us a son. Please hear my cry. Please before Thanksgviing, before Christmas. I dont think I can bear to love and let go again. So please show Daniel if foster care is not the right path for us. But DSS needs foster parents. And more than anything, I want to care for a little one that needs us. Please be honored, please allow us to love on orphans, please bring us a son. Amen"
Isaiah- I love you.
I'm so so sorry for not being smarter/wiser.
I'm longing for the day I will meet you again,
Monday, March 11, 2013
Nov 3
Dearest Isaiah,
I am struggling.
Life is very hard right now.
"Dear God, Your Word says to pour out our hearts to You. So thats what I'm going to do. I am so very depressed and worried right now, God. Nothing seems to be happening that is good. There seems to be nothing to look forward to. These headaches are so worrisome. What is causing them God? Oh God - I long, long, long for a time of just phsical peace. A baby. Physical health. It is hard to really, really, really trust. So hard. Please help me to trust. To deeply trust.
Father, there are babies in very bad situations; You have a heart for orphans and for redemption. Please God, bring the needy, the orphan to us. I think of "T" and the two sets of twins (from the place I volunteer). Please protect them even now.
Free me from my fears.
You are good. Amen."
Love you so much Isaiah!
Dearest Isaiah,
I am struggling.
Life is very hard right now.
"Dear God, Your Word says to pour out our hearts to You. So thats what I'm going to do. I am so very depressed and worried right now, God. Nothing seems to be happening that is good. There seems to be nothing to look forward to. These headaches are so worrisome. What is causing them God? Oh God - I long, long, long for a time of just phsical peace. A baby. Physical health. It is hard to really, really, really trust. So hard. Please help me to trust. To deeply trust.
Father, there are babies in very bad situations; You have a heart for orphans and for redemption. Please God, bring the needy, the orphan to us. I think of "T" and the two sets of twins (from the place I volunteer). Please protect them even now.
Free me from my fears.
You are good. Amen."
Love you so much Isaiah!
Friday, March 8, 2013
Oct 27th
Dearest Isaiah-
Yesterday the lady from DSS came for our first meeting re: foster care. So the lady was supposed to show up at 6:00. About 1-2 minutes before 6:00, AnnaGrace and Kate suddenly appeared at the back door (they had been outside swinging). They were both wailing! Yes, WAILING! And yes, BOTH of them! :) AnnaGrace had a goose egg on her forehead and Kate's lip was bleeding. My heart just sank. This was not the best scenario when DSS is coming to interview about foster care.
Thankfully, she was late!
I sent Daniel out to swing with the girls and calm them down a little. I walked into the office to watch for DSS worker. What did I see out the window? A rainbow! I thought I might be dreaming-so I went out and made the rest of the fam look at it. They saw it too- So I know I wasn't dreaming :)
She finally came, we chatted. Said we could have a placement by December!
Praying that God continues to lead us. And that He provides a baby!
I've been having some health problems. They may all be in my head. They may be due to a sinus infection. They may be cancer. Of course--they bring fear. What if I do have cancer? What if I'm dying? Death is all too real right now. When I dwell on it it, it makes me feel panicky and emotional.
"Help me God to trust You. And please allow me to live to see my girls grow up. :)"
Love you so much Isaiah!
Dearest Isaiah-
Yesterday the lady from DSS came for our first meeting re: foster care. So the lady was supposed to show up at 6:00. About 1-2 minutes before 6:00, AnnaGrace and Kate suddenly appeared at the back door (they had been outside swinging). They were both wailing! Yes, WAILING! And yes, BOTH of them! :) AnnaGrace had a goose egg on her forehead and Kate's lip was bleeding. My heart just sank. This was not the best scenario when DSS is coming to interview about foster care.
Thankfully, she was late!
I sent Daniel out to swing with the girls and calm them down a little. I walked into the office to watch for DSS worker. What did I see out the window? A rainbow! I thought I might be dreaming-so I went out and made the rest of the fam look at it. They saw it too- So I know I wasn't dreaming :)
She finally came, we chatted. Said we could have a placement by December!
Praying that God continues to lead us. And that He provides a baby!
I've been having some health problems. They may all be in my head. They may be due to a sinus infection. They may be cancer. Of course--they bring fear. What if I do have cancer? What if I'm dying? Death is all too real right now. When I dwell on it it, it makes me feel panicky and emotional.
"Help me God to trust You. And please allow me to live to see my girls grow up. :)"
Love you so much Isaiah!
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
It has been almost 5 months since I last posted! A lot, and I mean A WHOLE LOT has happened in those 5 months. I've decided to try to start blogging again. To catch everyone up to speed, I'm going to be posting some of my journal entries from the last 5 months.
A few explanations first:
~When I journal, I always begin with "Dear Isaiah,". Just my way of remembering/connecting.
~We decided a long time ago that we wanted to pursue adoption and/or foster care (please see post from August 10 for further details).
~When I wrote these journal entries-- I did not think that I would be posting them on my blog. :)
With that said, here's a journal entry from October 12.
Dear Isaiah-
I just read a very encouraging and convicting devotional from the Streams Devo Book. Here's an excerpt..
"I implore you to not give in to despair. It is a dangerous temptation... Hopelessness constricts and withers the heart, rendering it unable to sense God's blessings and grace... makes your burdens seem too heavy for you to bear. Yet God's plans for you, and HIs ways of bringing about His plans are infinitely wise."
So, Isaiah, that's right where I am at. Tempted to despair because adoption is looking impossible. I'm struggling with self-pity and a bit of anger at God. But I want to be like Joseph and Paul-- trusting God where ever I am. They trusted their Savior wherever they were, allowing Him to use them.
God, please forgive my bitterness and self pity. ANd my anger. Help me to trust. Help my heart to be joyful and content despite my circumstance. I need Your help for this task.
Oh Isaiah, what a journey this is! Love you lots!
Love,
Momma
And one from October 13.
Dear Isaiah,
~Six months since you died
~My heart is till so broken
~My arms ache
~The adoption loans all fell through
October 17.
Dear Isaiah,
Yesterday my mom and I fasted and prayed about adoption/foster care. Since we didnt get the loans--I have no idea how we will afford adoption. Then last night--we get news that someone in our church will give us an interest free loan! Wow! I am so thanful!
We may do foster care though. I do worry about the girls if we do foster-- will they get too attached and then be hurt if/when the baby leaves??
Dear God, please protect us from a wrong decision. Lead us as only You can.
Love you Isaiah!
Momma
Oct 24.
Dear Isaiah,
Last night while we were shopping, Kate just all of the sudden proclaimed that God is bringing us a baby :)
And AnnaGrace was sitting in my lap after dinner and said "There's a rainbow!" Of course, it was really just the sunset- but the colors were pretty. And the day before, she just spontaneously decided to give me a picture she had drawn. It was of me and a baby :)
Soon?
Oh I hope so!
Love you Isaiah!
Love Momma
A few explanations first:
~When I journal, I always begin with "Dear Isaiah,". Just my way of remembering/connecting.
~We decided a long time ago that we wanted to pursue adoption and/or foster care (please see post from August 10 for further details).
~When I wrote these journal entries-- I did not think that I would be posting them on my blog. :)
With that said, here's a journal entry from October 12.
Dear Isaiah-
I just read a very encouraging and convicting devotional from the Streams Devo Book. Here's an excerpt..
"I implore you to not give in to despair. It is a dangerous temptation... Hopelessness constricts and withers the heart, rendering it unable to sense God's blessings and grace... makes your burdens seem too heavy for you to bear. Yet God's plans for you, and HIs ways of bringing about His plans are infinitely wise."
So, Isaiah, that's right where I am at. Tempted to despair because adoption is looking impossible. I'm struggling with self-pity and a bit of anger at God. But I want to be like Joseph and Paul-- trusting God where ever I am. They trusted their Savior wherever they were, allowing Him to use them.
God, please forgive my bitterness and self pity. ANd my anger. Help me to trust. Help my heart to be joyful and content despite my circumstance. I need Your help for this task.
Oh Isaiah, what a journey this is! Love you lots!
Love,
Momma
And one from October 13.
Dear Isaiah,
~Six months since you died
~My heart is till so broken
~My arms ache
~The adoption loans all fell through
October 17.
Dear Isaiah,
Yesterday my mom and I fasted and prayed about adoption/foster care. Since we didnt get the loans--I have no idea how we will afford adoption. Then last night--we get news that someone in our church will give us an interest free loan! Wow! I am so thanful!
We may do foster care though. I do worry about the girls if we do foster-- will they get too attached and then be hurt if/when the baby leaves??
Dear God, please protect us from a wrong decision. Lead us as only You can.
Love you Isaiah!
Momma
Oct 24.
Dear Isaiah,
Last night while we were shopping, Kate just all of the sudden proclaimed that God is bringing us a baby :)
And AnnaGrace was sitting in my lap after dinner and said "There's a rainbow!" Of course, it was really just the sunset- but the colors were pretty. And the day before, she just spontaneously decided to give me a picture she had drawn. It was of me and a baby :)
Soon?
Oh I hope so!
Love you Isaiah!
Love Momma
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