I have writers block.  Really bad writers block.  I have no idea what to blog about-- and its not for lack of thoughts or emotions (because there are certainly plenty of those swirling through this head and heart of mine!).  But I want to write -- I want to record and remember this crazy journey that is my life.
So, here are just a bunch of things I've been thinking/feeling lately:

1. Fear. I constantly and I mean CONSTANTLY check to see if this wee baby of mine is breathing.  During the day, he sleeps downstairs, in the kitchen, with me right there watching him.  I admit--I'm a little paranoid.  I see my paranoia and I don't like it.  But I guess that's something I have to do battle with right now.  Here is an example of my crazy fear:  It was all I could do to make myself go to Target today.  Not because I didn't want to go to Target.  But because baby had not had a good nap all day and was currently sleeping and so I really needed to leave him, at home, sleeping.  So I decided to go, alone.  Before I left, my husband was instructed to please check on baby every few minutes.  I finally got myself out the door ok. And I made it to Target ok. I made it through Target ok (and actually enjoyed shopping alone for a bit!). But, then, on the way home, I heard sirens, and they were headed in the general area of my home.  Immediately, sad/scary/not good thoughts started barraging my brain.  I wish I could say that I was strong and fought them off and trusted.
But, I cant.
Because I wasn't. 
I simply gave in to the bad thoughts and didn't trust. 
So, I called my husband and in a calm voice (trying not to let on that I was on the verge of panic) said "Hey-- how are things?"
(what I meant, of course, was--is baby still breathing????) 
"Just peachy." were my husbands exact words. 
SIGH. 
Breathe. 
Crazy me. 
               "Dear God, Please help me to trust You with this sweet precious little one."

2. Envy.  This feeling is nothing new.  I just still get very jealous of all the women that I know that simply decide one day that they want to get pregnant, and they then proceed to quickly get pregnant, and they then go on to have super healthy pregnancies and, then, at the appointed time, they deliver healthy babies.  I'm happy for them.  It just kinda hurts. And I'm just a wee bit jealous.

3.  Surprise.  This goes along with #2.  I'm actually surprised at all the healthy babies.  I went to a baby shower this week.  I just wanted to stare at the belly. 
Here are my crazy thoughts:
"There is really a real, healthy, growing, little baby in there.  Soon she will be born.  She will come out pink and crying.  Her mom will snuggle with her.  Her big siblings will come meet her.  There will be joy... "
For some strange reason, healthy babies are just shocking to me.

4.  Sadness.  This will always be with me I think.  Just missing Isaiah. Missing him so so much

5. Longing.  Longing for the day when all will be made right.  When mommas wont have to let go of their babies.  When arms wont ache to hold the life that should have been.  When every tear will be wiped away.  Oh how I long for that day. 
My daughter Kate told me the other day that her children (she was pretending to be a momma) went to heaven. 
"Oh?" I said "Tell me about that."
She proceeded to tell me that they were just swinging on the swing set and went higher and higher and higher and then they went to heaven.
Oh the sweet simplicity of a child's heart. :)
I kinda wish we could all just swing up to heaven. 
Seriously, though, one day we actually will be headed there. 
Oh how sweet it will be!

Well, its getting late.  I need to go snuggle a precious little boy.  Here is a picture of said precious little boy:

oh how i love this little boy.