The other night, I went to our local Women's and Children's hospital and donated some itty bitty diapers (teeny tears), gowns, blankets, and hats. 

When I handed them over to the nurse that I had been corresponding with, she explained to the other nurses that they were for the IUFD's (intrauterine fetal demise).  The way she said it made me kinda sad.  IUFD's?  No, they are babies.  Babies that were dreamed about, talked about, planned for, hoped for, prayed for, longed for, and loved.  Babies that have died. Somehow, hearing them called IUFDs cheapens their lives. 
 
"Dear God,
 I pray for each of these mommas.  I pray that as they wrap their little ones in these garments that You would wrap Your arms around them.  I pray that they would feel Your love and comfort.  As their hearts shatter, give them a supernatural peace in their soul.  Remind them that in Heaven, every tear will be wiped away and there will be no more goodbyes.  Thank You Lord for hope."

Dearest Isaiah,
Tonight I feel angry at God.  I haven't felt angry at Him in awhile.  I don't understand what He is doing, what He was doing.  I look at back at pictures that were taken 3 weeks before your birth and I just feel so sad.  AnnaGrace and Kate look so innocent and young.  What was God doing to take their brother like that? Why God? Why did You do that?  Will You really use it for their good?  I don't see how that's possible.

March 2012

On top of that, why have you brought little Emmie here? My heart breaks for her - the things that she has had to endure over the past 3 years are unimaginable.  But I question whether we can be the right parents for her.  I don't know if we can help her heal.  Did You make a mistake? Shouldn't You have brought her to more qualified parents? Its hard.  Very hard.  And we have already endured hard stuff.  I'm tired of enduring hard stuff.
Oh Isaiah, as I type these words, I feel immense guilt.  God has blessed so much with giving us baby J.  Oh what a blessing that baby boy is! 

My Precious Rainbow

And He has worked a zillion miracles in rescuing Emmie out of the abusive situation.  Do I have such little faith that my Abba Father will continue to help us? I am trying to trust Him.  But, sometimes, I would like to go back, even if for just a day, and be pregnant with Isaiah.  Pregnant and enjoying a normal day with my sweet daughters. I can hardly remember what that life was like. 
Oh Isaiah.  I love you precious boy of mine!
Love,
Momma
    

July 3, 2013

Dearest Isaiah,
The last 15 months of my life have turned out so very different than I could have ever imagined.  I went to bed on April 12, 2012 not knowing that my world was about to start spinning out of control (well-- at least feel like it was spinning out of control and I say "feel" because I know, by faith, that God was always in control. it just hasn't felt like He was in control.).  Anyways, that night, as I fell asleep with you wiggling in my womb, I didn't know that I was about to lose you.  I didn't know that a little baby that I would one day call son was about to be conceived in another's womb.  I didn't know that there was a little girl living a few miles down the street who was being abused in wretched ways.  I didn't know this little girl would soon be calling me momma. I didn't know any of this.  I thought that my simple, easy, in control, nice life would continue on as it always had.  Oh was I mistaken!
My life is so very different now. 
Here is an example, albeit one small and kinda funny example of how different my life is.  Instead of reading this:

I'm reading this:

sorry this picture is upside down-- not sure why it is upside down-- it was right side up when I "selected" it :)
for those of you who don't feel like standing on your head to read it-- its a book entitled "Thriving as an Adoptive Family"

Yes, I used to love pouring over all things related to decorating.  Know that blog Young H0use L0ve? I used to read it every.single.day.  :) Now I pour over baby
loss and foster and adoption blogs.

As I think about how different my life is today as compared to the way my life was on April 12, 2012, various emotions bubble up:

1. Sadness-- life seemed so easy. So easy and innocent.  And good. Life was good back then, and in a way, I feel sad that life no longer seems this way.
2.  Wistfulness-- There is a sense of longing to have that easy, innocent life back.
3. Gratefulness-- Now this, I guess, contradicts those fist two points, but, hey, that's my emotions for you...confusing and, at times, contradictory :) Anyways, back to gratefulness.  There is a gratefulness for the things that God has shown me through the loss of you, Isaiah, the adoption of J, and the "fostering" of Emmie.  There are lessons that we can not learn during the easy times of life-- lessons only grasped during the trial.   Lessons like:
     ~ I have learned that I am not in control.  He is. And it is good to rest in His sovereignty. 
     ~He has taught me to long for Heaven.  Every tear, every single tear, will be wiped away. Wow.
     ~He has taught me that there is much pain in this life.  But, He brings beauty from, and in the midst of, that pain.  Beauty from ashes.  He promises to do this. And He is true to His promise.
These are a few of the lessons that I have learned.  Hard but good lessons. 

There are many more emotions that I could write about.  However, 3 of the 4 children are napping.  And if I don't go wake 2 of those 3, they will be up ALL NIGHT LONG -- so I better run. :)

Love you Isaiah!