Thankful.

I know I've said it before, but I just want to say it again.... I am so thankful for the internet and the blogs of fellow mommas that have had to say goodbye to their precious babies.  Oh how I wish that no momma ever had to say goodbye, it is so terribly wrong and painful.  When I'm having a rough day, though, I log on and read your stories--stories of how you are learning to walk again, to live again, to laugh again and to trust again. And I come away so very encouraged. 
One of the blogs that I have been reading is http://mycharlieangel.wordpress.com/.  It is written by Anna.  I was so surprised when I logged on to read her latest and found that she had nominated me for "Inspiring Blog Award"

Thank you Anna!

So, I guess I need to tell 7 interesting facts about myself:

1.  I love nutrition--nerdy i know (or thats what my husband thinks)! .  The human body is very interesting (I am a physical therapist), and it is really neat to learn how what we eat affects our health.

2.  I am a morning person---I love love love to get up early and go for walks/jogs at the track.  In fact, I was at the track the last time that I remember feeling Isaiah kick.  

3.  I am addicted to coffee.  And chocolate.  (yep, I know this probably seems to conflict with fact number 1, but its true).

4.  I love the beach.  I have always loved the beach.  I even attempted to surf some when I was in PT school. :)

5.  I do not like to be alone.

6.  I love going on mission trips, but I hate to fly. 

7.  I tried to teach myself to sew.  I found  a very cute nursery set online, but it was super expensive.  So, I decided I would just purchase the fabric and make everything myself.  I did.  Quality wise, its not super.  But now it is a special memory--sitting at the sewing machine, working on Isaiah's nursery while he kicked and punched and moved inside of me. 

Here are just a couple of the blogs that I would like to nominate:

http://aftereva.blogspot.com/

https://jmc5407.wordpress.com/

http://www.livingafterloss.blogspot.com/

http://apieceofmyheartinheaven.blogspot.com/

Not to be repetitive, but I do appreciate all of you women who are sharing your journeys!

I long for the day when we will each be united with our sweet babies in Heaven. 



I have an ongoing struggle with "reliving" the moments leading up to and surrounding Isaiah's birth.  Usually, the flashbacks happen on Fridays and Saturdays--the day he died and the day he was delivered.  When the memories come, they bring feelings of grief, overwhelming, smothering feelings of grief, with them.  I try so hard to "take every thought captive", but it seems an impossible feat. 
Anyone else struggle with this?

On another note-- The verses below are comforting to me.  The nation of Isreal(Zion) is personified and is complaining that God has forgetten her--that He does not care about the things she is going through: 

But Zion said, “The Lord has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me.”

God's answer to her is:

“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you! 
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me."

In trying to convey to Zion how much He cared for her, God used the example of a mom's love for her baby.  Wow...  Of all the examples He could use--God chose to use the example of a moms love for her baby.  He knows exactly how much I love my precious son(and that I can never forget him)--and He says His love for me is even greater than that.  His heart toward me is just as tender as my heart toward my son.  His concern for my well-being is just as great as my concern for my daughters.  His delight in me is just as sweet as my delight in my children.  Just as I hurt when my children hurt, God hurts when I hurt. 

He is a good God.

He has not forgotten me.

He knows the pain that overwhelms this momma's heart.

Oh that I would rest in His love.    

I'm not sure what to write today--there's a bunch of different thoughts swimming in this ole brain of mine.  Maybe it will just be a "salad" post:
 ~I finally made myself call the insurance company yesterday to hash out the details of Isaiah's birth.  We had been paying for maternity coverage for a long time so that we would only be responsible for 20% of the final bill.  Well, guess what?  The insurance lady(who was not very tender or warm and fuzzy) tells me that since Isaiah's birth was not "routine", it's not covered by maternity!  What???  I wanted to simultaneously laugh and cry and yell.  I beg your pardon....his birth was oh so routine.  It was just that he was dead.  And because he was dead, you are telling me that maternity coverage does not apply?  Oh ok.  ARGGGG.  Instead of yelling to her about how unjust that was, I politely ended the conversation and then proceeded to call my mom and yell about how unjust that was.  (so thankful for my mom!)
~Crazy guilt bug--it bit again this morning.  Why didn't I have the csection?  Why was I trying for a VBAC?   "Oh Isaiah, I'm so sorry."
~Worry-- Since Isaiah's death, I, on the one hand, worry about every little thing("bad" things really do happen!), but, on the other hand, I have peace because I know that no matter what happens, God will help me through it.    Does that make sense?  I guess I have been hit with the fact that death is real.  I mean I always knew that everyone must die, but death was somehow abstract.  Now, death is all too real.  But, so is God.  And Heaven.  Whatever comes, He will be faithful to help me.
~I'm so thankful for the Internet.  And for blogs.  It has been so encouraging to read the journeys of other moms. 
~Below is a song that has been an encouragement to me. 

So today, I was in the check out lane of Whole Foods.  The checkout lady says, "Are you a new mom?" I'm not exactly sure what she means --shouldn't it be obvious by the ages of my children that I am not, in fact, a new mom. 
"Um, no" I say. 
Then it starts to dawn on me...she probably recognizes me and is wondering where the baby is.  "Didn't you just have a baby?" she asks. 
In the split second that followed, before I answered, I think to myself--poor lady, she really doesn't know the can of worms she just opened.
"Well, yes, I did, but he died."  I said.  (Probably could have stated that a little better!). 
I'm absolutely positive that she wasn't expecting that answer!  But I'll have to hand it to her--she kept her composure. :) 
When I told her that we did not know why he died, she proceeded to tell me something about nature having its ways.... I wanted to say, um no, it was not nature, it was not some random accident, God is in control.  But I decided that getting into a theological discussion in the middle of Whole Foods may not be the best thing.  :)
Has anyone else had to explain where their baby is? 
I've been dreading that question, but I actually ended up feeling more sorry for her than for me. 

Dearest Isaiah~

Today, you would be two months old.  I can hardly believe that it has been two months since you were born.  I feel like it was just yesterday. 

Here is how your momma is doing at two months:
~I don't cry every day.  I cry most days, but not every day.
~I enjoy sitting in your room.  It makes me feel close to you.
~I still have not returned to our play group.  I just can't bear to see all the beautiful preggo mommas and the precious babies.
~I finally took your car seat out of the car.  I did that last Friday.  It was hard.  But I did it.
~I don't visit your grave too often.  There's two reasons: 1. We have not shown your grave to your sisters yet.  So, if I want to go, I have to get a sitter or wait till nighttime.  2. It makes me focus too much on your physical body and not on your spirit--which is in Heaven--alive and well.
~I still sleep with the blanket that they wrapped you in at the hospital. 
~I still wrestle with God.  Mostly, I trust Him and trust His great love for me.  Sometimes, though, I still question why, and wonder if He really does love me. 
~I have a hard time finding enjoyment in things I used to enjoy--like reading blogs on home decorating/DIY.  It seems too trivial somehow. 
~I held your sweet cousin for the first time today.  He is a week old.  And so precious.  I didn't cry.  But oh to see his mom snuggle with him--how I wish I could snuggle with you for just one minute.  Hear your sweet baby sounds, feel your soft baby skin, let your little head rest on my shoulder...

Oh Isaiah.  I love you so much.  So very very much.
I'm so thankful that I had the privilege of carrying you for nine months.  I'm so thankful that you are in Heaven, and that I will see you one day.
But....I miss you so much.

Love always,
Momma

I started reading the book "One Thousand Gifts" several months before I gave birth to Isaiah.  I finished it about 2 weeks ago.  It has been a comfort to this broken heart.  Here is a long but good excerpt.  I hope it is as encouraging to you as it is to me.  The background--she is driving a car and thinking about some bad things that her and different friends of hers have experienced.  She begins to struggle with whether or not God can really be trusted?


"The words sear.  I know their voices and I remember their faces and the sun spills from window glass, slants gold across steering wheel.  Eyes on the road, yellow line dashing like a line on hold, I wait, just wait.  In the wait, memories blister.  And in the still, Spirit comes and He whispers a name.
Christ.
And I see a world through His lens:  "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:32 NIV).
He gave us Jesus.  Jesus! Gave Him up for us all.  If we have only one memory, isn't this one enough?  .... If trust must be earned, hasn't God unequivocally earned our trust with the bark on the raw wounds, the thorns pressed into the brow, your name on the cracked lips? ... When bridges seem to give way, we fall in to Christ's safe arms, true bridge, and not into hopelessness.  It is safe to trust! 
We can be too weak to go on because His strength is made perfect in utter brokenness and nail-pierced hands help up.  It is safe to trust! ... Theres a good God leading, working all things into good. It is safe to trust!  The million bridges behind us may seem flattened to the earthly eye, but all bridges ultimately hold, fastened by nails.
It is safe to trust.
Each bridge I need cross, from one moment to moment the next, is wholly safe, each leading me deeper into Him and closer to Home. 
And I hear that hurting voice again...There are moments that as sure as I bruise don't feel like good things have been given.  What of all the memories where Christ seems absent?... Trauma's storm can mask the Christ and feelings can lie. 
I draw all the hurting voices close and I touch their scars with a whisper: sometimes we don't fully see that in Christ, because of Christ, through Christ, He does give us all things good--until we have the perspective of years.
In time, years, dust settles.
In memory, ages, God emerges.
... The bridge and our lives shake not because God has abandoned, but the exact opposite:  God is passing by.  God is in the tremors.  Dark is the holiest ground, the glory passing by.  In the blackest, God is closest, at work... Though it is black and we cant see and our world seems to be free-falling and we feel utterly alone, Christ is most present..."  Ann Voskamp  One Thousand Gifts.

Right now--I feel alone and my world is dark and I am free-falling.  But I know that God is real.  And that He loves me.  And, one day, I will see...and understand. 

June 9th, 2012
Dear Isaiah--Oh sweet Baby--The Last 48 hours have been gut wrenching hard.  Your uncle (Will) called to let me know that Jess was in labor.  A few hours later, your sweet cousin was born.  Jess had the perfect labor and delivery.  The kind I had dreamed of.  Liam was beautiful.  It was everything I had dreamed of and longed for and hoped for.  I went to the hospital and was there when he was born.  I saw the joy in Wills face.  I saw precious Liam. 
Oh Isaiah--the emotions of the past 48 hours have been similar to what I felt in the days after I delivered you.  Crushing grief.  Lots of tears.  So very empty.  I knew it would be hard--but not this hard.  Honestly, I am struggling with God again. 
How is it that my brother is rejoicing over his son, and everyone is saying that God is so good?  Is He good because He gave them a perfect delivery and healthy son?  Is God good because He gave Will that?  Is giving Will a healthy baby boy the sign that God's favor rests on him?  Does God love Will more than He does me?  Is the number of blessings in our lives the measure of how much God loves us?  If so, then God does not love me.
But I don't think that is really true. 
Just like my love for my children is not measured in how many gifts I give them, God's love for me is not measured in how many gifts He gives me.  Just like my love for my children is not less when I bring "pain" into their lives (making them take a nap, making them eat broccoli, not buying every toy they ask for...), God's love for me is not less because He allowed you to die. 
The measure of God's love is that He gave His one and only Son.  Gave Him for us all--for Will, for me, for Liam, for you, Isaiah. 
"Blessings" in this life are not a measure of God's love for us. 
Yes, God does give us "good" things--but He also gives us "bad" things.  He did give Will a healthy son.  He did allow you to die.
But, He loves us both. 
He is good in both circumstances. 
I have to trust Him and truly trust that He loves me--no matter what He brings into my life.  Just like my children have to truly trust that I love them.  Someday they will understand why I made them eat their broccoli.  Someday, I will understand why He allowed you to die. 

"Mommy--why are you talking so sad?"
"Oh. Am I talking sad?"
"Yes"
"Well, I guess it's because I'm feeling a little sad."
"About Isaiah?"
"Yes, about Isaiah."

Seeing my eldest daughter walk through the death of her brother has been so heart wrenching.  She is four (and 1/2 to be exact).  Her world has been rocked--in a way that a sweet four year old should never have to experience.  She has had a crash course in death, Heaven, grieving, life not going as planned.  I have learned that when she starts acting out, she is hurting.  Struggling.  So, I try to talk with her.  Inevitably, it comes out that she is worried that the rest of us may die and leave her alone.  Wow.  How do I even begin to answer that?  Can I promise her that won't happen? No.  I try to point her to God.  To the fact that He is in control.  He loves us.  He will take care of us no matter what.  He is, and will be, with us.  But its hard, because those things take faith to believe.  They cant be seen.  If I struggle with these concepts(and I do!), how do I expect her to grasp them?  I pray that God removes the fear from her heart.  And from mine.

I feel bad about my parenting right now.  Along with just about everything else, it has suffered.  I just don't always have the emotional strength to be patient.  Sometimes, I feel like the sadness/grief is overwhelming--in those times, how do I give of myself to these precious girls?  The other day, my youngest was kinda acting "spastic" around dinner time--grabbing at things/hyper/typical 2 year old behavior.  Well, she attempted to get my water bottle off of the counter (probably to bring it to her thirsty mommy--so sweet) and it spilled.  ARGGGG.  I was trying to get dinner on the table.  Trying not to think about my empty arms.  Trying not to give into the desire to crawl into bed and pull the cover of my head.  Trying to just make it.  When the water spilled, I just couldn't try anymore.  I over reacted.  Then, immediately, I felt bad.  Why couldnt I have been more patient with her? 

This grieving stuff is flat out hard. 

Since the moment that I learned that my sweet Isaiah had died, I have struggled with God.
Who is He?
I thought I knew.
But in that instant, when my world came crashing down, I was no longer sure of the things that I had been sure of just a day before.
I continue to struggle some with who God is, but, in all my wrestling, here is what I've come to be sure about:
    1.  God is real.  I just dont buy the hocus pocus that we evolved from slime.
    2.  God is powerful.  If He wasnt, would He be God?  I think believing that He is powerful comes pretty naturally to most of us.  A god that's not powerful is not really a god, is it?
    3.  God is good/God loves me.  This is the hard thing to believe.  Very hard.  If God is powerful, why does He allow suffering?  Honestly, I don't know.  However, I do believe that the Bible is true(why? that's a whole nother discussion, but there is a LOT of historical evidence and validity).  And the Bible says that God loved us so much that He punished His own Son so that He would not have to punish us.  He so desired a relationship with me, that He punished His only Son.  After losing my son, this truth speaks loudly.  Very loudly.  I would NOT have given my sons life for another person.  I just wouldnt have, no matter how wonderful that person was.  And God gave His son for us--people who are far from perfect.  People who dont even like Him.  This giving of His son is "the one objective, absolute, irrefutable proof of God's love for us." (John Piper--Trusting God).  God does, indeed, love us.
    4.  God cares about me and His heart breaks when mine does.  There is a story in the Bible of a man, named Lazarus, who died.  His family was grieving terribly.  They asked Jesus to come.  When He came, He wept with the family.  The crazy thing?  He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead!  Why would He cry?  Because of His compassion for those who were hurting.   He loved them.  Just as we weep when others weep, He weeps when we do.  He cares so much about us. 

Is it hard to trust that a good God would allow my son to die?  Yes.  Do I still get mad at Him sometimes? Yes.
But I keep coming back to these four thruths. 

Here is a quote from a book (one thousand gifts) that I really like:
"He gave us Jesus.  Jesus! Gave Him up for us all.  If we have only one memory, isn't this one enough?  Why is this the memory I most often take for granted?  He cut open the flesh of the God-Man and let the blood.  He washed our grime with the bloody grace.  He drove the iron ore through His own vein.  Doesn't that memory alone suffice? Need there be anything more? If God didnt withold from us His very own Son, will God withold anything we need? If trust must be earned, hasn't God unequivocally earned our trust with the bark on the raw wounds, the thorns pressed into the brow, your name on the cracked lips? How will He not also graciously give us all things He deems best and right.  He's already given the incomprehensible." 

Because God has already given the incomprehensible (His son), I can trust Him. 
Because I can trust Him, I can make it through one more day without my son.