"Mommy--why are you talking so sad?"
"Oh. Am I talking sad?"
"Yes"
"Well, I guess it's because I'm feeling a little sad."
"About Isaiah?"
"Yes, about Isaiah."
Seeing my eldest daughter walk through the death of her brother has been so heart wrenching. She is four (and 1/2 to be exact). Her world has been rocked--in a way that a sweet four year old should never have to experience. She has had a crash course in death, Heaven, grieving, life not going as planned. I have learned that when she starts acting out, she is hurting. Struggling. So, I try to talk with her. Inevitably, it comes out that she is worried that the rest of us may die and leave her alone. Wow. How do I even begin to answer that? Can I promise her that won't happen? No. I try to point her to God. To the fact that He is in control. He loves us. He will take care of us no matter what. He is, and will be, with us. But its hard, because those things take faith to believe. They cant be seen. If I struggle with these concepts(and I do!), how do I expect her to grasp them? I pray that God removes the fear from her heart. And from mine.
I feel bad about my parenting right now. Along with just about everything else, it has suffered. I just don't always have the emotional strength to be patient. Sometimes, I feel like the sadness/grief is overwhelming--in those times, how do I give of myself to these precious girls? The other day, my youngest was kinda acting "spastic" around dinner time--grabbing at things/hyper/typical 2 year old behavior. Well, she attempted to get my water bottle off of the counter (probably to bring it to her thirsty mommy--so sweet) and it spilled. ARGGGG. I was trying to get dinner on the table. Trying not to think about my empty arms. Trying not to give into the desire to crawl into bed and pull the cover of my head. Trying to just make it. When the water spilled, I just couldn't try anymore. I over reacted. Then, immediately, I felt bad. Why couldnt I have been more patient with her?
This grieving stuff is flat out hard.
To be honest, where you are at now, I'm amazed you're trying to get dinner on the table. Please don't be hard on yourself. It is hard work. So hard.
ReplyDeleteUse paper plates if you want to. Have noodles everyday for a week if you need to. One of the best 'gifts' we got from someone after Eva died was a stick of costco sized paper plates.
oh and I tried to follow your blog but could not find where to on yours.
ReplyDeleteYou are right--I need to give myself grace. Thank you for that encouragement!
ReplyDeleteI think I got that set up now :)
ReplyDeletebtw, I should have written a stack of paper plates not a stick of them. Wonder what a stick of paper plates looks like...sounds like some kind of craft my kids would do. Hope you're having an ok day.
ReplyDeleteEm
Ha ha! I understood :)
ReplyDelete