March 31

Dearest Isaiah,

Today is Easter, and two weeks from today is your birthday. 

Hope & pain.
Joy & sorrow.
Life & death.
Eternal & temporal.

These opposing realities are colliding in my heart and my mind.

The Truth is, death brought life.  Without the death of my precious Savior, there could be no eternal life.  Life because of death. Beauty from ashes.  I am so thankful that Jesus, for the joy set before Him, endured the cross.  I am so thankful that God punished His one and only son in my place.

The truth is that without your death, Isaiah, Daniel and I would not be as focused on eternity, on Heaven, on serving our Lord and Savior.  We are different people.  The things that God is doing in us are good and beautiful and full of life. 

There is a sadness though.  Because the truth is, death is our enemy.  It brings sadness. And my heart is still very sad.  When I watched your cousin last night-- just 2 months younger than you- toddle around, learning to walk and give high fives, there is a pain in my heart that is so very great. When your sister cries before going to sleep at night and tells me for the 5 millionth time that she is scared that I may die too (because this death thing-- apparently it can strike anyone anywhere), I just want to weep.  My precious daughter should not have to fear these things. 

But, in the midst of all this pain and sadness, there is this hope.  Hope that is sure.  Hope that is an anchor for my storm tossed soul.  Death WILL be conquered. And Christ HAS risen from the grave to prove it.

One day, I WILL be in Heaven with my precious Savior, and with you, my sweet son. 

In the midst of such sorrow, this hope, this Truth-- oh how it brings such comfort and joy. 

Oh Isaiah-- Praise God for ALL He has done!!

 An amazing song.

Nov 22
Dearest Isaiah,
Today is Thanksgiving.  When I look back a year ago-- I probably thought this Thanksgiving would be good.  But its terrible.  You are not here.  Oh Isaiah- this faith thing- this believing that God is really who He says He is- that He really is involved- that He really does care is hard.  Very Very hard. 
My mom and I end our fast from sugar today.  I had so prayed that God would bring a baby by today.  I believe He still can.  Oh how wonderful a call would be!
My devotional for today:
   "Do You believe that I am able to do this?" Matt. 9:28 Wow-- yes I do believe. 

Isaiah baby-- I wish you and your 7 1/2month self were coming to the beach with us today.  I wish I was packing up the pack and play, your clothes, your diapers....
Missin ya.
Love ya!

Nov 25
"But when the most stable becomes unstable, there should be no fear because of the transcendent stability of God."
Dearest Isaiah-- over the last 7 1/2 months much of what was stable in my life has become unstable.  But God has remained.  Stable and constant.  And present.  I haven't always felt his presence, but I know He is here. 

Nov 26
Dearest Isaiah,
About 30 minutes after we returned from the beach yesterday, a little girl (3yo)(nicknamed Emmie for privacy) came to stay with us.  The director had called me on Thanksgiving Day (yes, the very day my mom and I ended our fast!) and asked if I would be willing to watch her some.  Her home life is not the best.  I was headed out the door to the beach, but said we would when we got home!  Well, we are home and she is here.  AnnaGrace and Kate have all done pretty good with her so far but we will see if the honeymoon period wears off. 
Maybe God has a sense of humor.  I want a baby boy.  I have prayed and fasted for a baby boy.  I have gotten a 3 yo girl :)  All kidding aside, I am so very thankful we can provide a safe haven for her.  I prayed over her last night as she slept.  I know God hears.  I know He is powerful.  I hope we can see beauty come from ashes. 
Oh and when we got home, we found a note on our mailbox. 

"God is faithful"

Well, sweet boy, b/c of your life and death, a precious 3 yo is having a safe place to sleep tonight.  Wonder what God is going to do with this situation?

Love ya!

 

Nov 19
Dearest Isaiah- Oh how heavy is my heart. Yesterday and this morning have been difficult.  I feel so down- so much like God is not hearing me, so distant from Him.  The day is cold and overcast-- I really don't like winter!  Everything just seems bleak. 

My devotional reading for day:
 "Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again." Ps 71:20
"No matter how many twists and turns the road may have, there is always one smooth, straight portion.  Even the longest night has a sunrise, and the winter snow may stay quite some time, but it will finally melt.  Your heart that has forgotten how to sing will break forth in thankful and jubilant song..." 

Dear God-- My night seems unending, the cold unbearable.  Lord God, You said You would not give me more than I can bear, You said there are seasons/times-- a time to be sad but a also a time to rejoice.  You said that You hear my cries.  You said weeping may endure for a night but joy will come in the morning.  God, that means the night must end at some point.  The morning must come.  And with it, joy.  You are a faithful God.  What You promise, You do.  Please oh God, I beg for this night to be over.  For sunrise to come.  And with it, joy and light and warmth."

Oh Isaiah- I love you lots.  I look forward to the day when I will see you again.

November 18

Dearest Isaiah-
Yesterday, while I was eating breakfast, I checked my email.  There was an email about a preemie baby boy that had just been born.  He was in the NICU in Fl.  I was immediately excited!  BUT, the birth mom had aids and her drug tests were positive.  I ran up the stairs to show Daniel the email.  We talked, researched, prayed, researched, prayed, researched, talked and then had to hurry to go the girls' Thanksgiving program.  Arrgg-- all I could think of was the baby.  Finally, we left :) I asked Daniel what he thought.  He said we should submit!  He was very excited about this scenario-- something he had not been in the previous scenarios that we had seen and decided against.  We got all the necessary paperwork together and submitted it.  I tried to stay calm (I'm not so great at staying calm!).  We found out that there were 5 other families interested in adopting this baby boy.  We were going to be told that night who the birth mom chose. 
Of course, we had previously invited all of our families over for dinner.  I so wished we could cancel because I did not want the call to come while they were here!
They came.
Time ticked slowly.
The fam would not leave. :)
The phone rang.
I ran upstairs to answer.
The had not chosen us-- she chose a couple with no children.
I was sad (but very happy for the other couple-- I have 2 precious daughters. They had no living children.  Truly, I was thankful that they were getting a precious gift!).
I know and trust that it was God saying-- this is not your son (my mom had fasted and prayed all day!!). 
It was still hard. I had let myself daydream about the possibilities...
Just one more (albeit small) loss.

On top of that --I'm on an antibiotic.  I finally went to the doctor.  I had a red ear, red throat, and wheezing/crackles in my lungs (no wonder I feel awful!).  Hopefully all the congestion is what is causing my headaches(vs my biggest fear-- a brain tumor!).  Still feeling kinda miserable. Will life ever again be easy, predictable, joyful??

"Dear Father- I am Your bond servant.  You are holy.  You are the King of Kings.  You have the right to do whatever You choose with my life.  But I do know that You love me as well; that You hear and see.  Please God, please bring healing and please bring a son.  Help me to trust You in this storm."

Oh Isaiah-- I love you lots!!

I am nearing the one year mark of Isaiah's stillbirth (April 14th).  As I get closer to this day-- I feel like I'm grieving hard again. 
I have always loved spring, but now, everything about this time of year brings sadness and painful memories of last year.  On Saturday, I was driving to a nearby town--the town that I delivered Isaiah in.  It was a beautiful spring morning, just like the day Isaiah was born.  It was Saturday, the same day of the week that he was born.  I was driving my husband's car, just like we did the day Isaiah was born.  Needless to say, all these similarities caused the memories to flood back, and then the memories overwhelmed my heart.  I tried to call my mom to distract myself but she was busy and had to go (I didnt tell I was struggling).  I decided I just needed to walk through it.  After awhile, I thought to myself-- I shouldn't dwell so much on the moments surrounding Isaiahs death.  I survived that-- I dont need to relive it again and again.  Instead, I need to dwell on the future-- on eternity.  He is alive in Heaven and I will have all of eternity to get to know him!  Thinking about that helped.  At  least for a little bit (this grief never goes away for long).
I wanted to ask you guys-- how do you "do" the yearly "birth" day of your precious little ones?  Are there any certain things that you do on that day?  How do you include siblings in the remembering?  I'm trying to plan and just feel at a loss. 

Nov 9
Dearest Son,
Your sisters love watching home videos and since Kate had the stomach bug today (um yes-- she threw up ALL over the grocery store--I first attempted to catch it in the palm of my hand and then, upon realizing that it was way too much to catch-I ran for the bathroom, leaving at trail of throw up all the way! While trying to tell a worker that he may have some cleaning to do--some lady approached the same worker to tell him that another shopper had slipped and fallen in something and was still just sitting there in the something!!! I just snuck back into the bathroom.  Oh the joys of motherhood!)  Anyways, where was I? Oh yes- Kate had the stomach bug and so we camped out on the sofa and watched old home videos all day.  I saw the video of AnnaGrace when she was 7 months old (just about the age you would be right now).  My heart just broke. 
I did some research online (probably not the best thing, but I just want some explanation for your death).  Maybe if I had eaten more and taken more calcium/magnesium/prenatals and exercised less, you may have lived.  Kate needed calcium at birth.  It helped her heart arrhythmias.  Maybe it was what you needed to?? I'm so so sorry.  I really think you should have weighed more. 
                 AnnaGrace was 8lbs2oz and 20 3/4 inches long (at 1 week early)
                  Kate was 5lbs14oz and 18 inches long (at 6 1/2weeks early)
                 You were just 7lbs8oz but you were 21 1/4 inches long (on your due date)
That just doesnt make sense. :(
Maybe I was not absorbing enough nutrients and then DUMB me was not taking all the multivitamins I should have and DUMB me was exercising.  No wonder you werent that big!
I'm so sorry.

In other news...
Foster care edu classes are scheduled for Thursdays.  And of course, Daniel has to leave town for work.  His trip has been put off and put off and now it will most likely fall on the week of the classes.  Which means we have to wait one more month to be licensed.  Arggg.
I'm very confused about this foster care thing.  I wish God would just clearly tell us what to do.  I hate being confused.  My dream is to adopt a preemie (like Kate was).
"God, I want to love the unloved.  I want to minister where I'm needed.  But God, can I give up a baby again? If we do foster care and I have to say goodbye--will I be able to do that? Could You bring one for us to adopt first? Then we will love and let go.  Oh God are You at work? Are You orchestrating events? It doesnt feel like it.  Please God, bring beauty from ashes.  Please do it soon.  Oh Father, my heart cries out from the pain and sadness.  I ask of You-- the mighty God Who is my Abba Father- I ask that You would bring us a son.  Please hear my cry.  Please before Thanksgviing, before Christmas.  I dont think I can bear to love and let go again.  So please show Daniel if foster care is not the right path for us.  But DSS needs foster parents.  And more than anything, I want to care for a little one that needs us. Please be honored, please allow us to love on orphans, please bring us a son.  Amen"

Isaiah- I love you. 
I'm so so sorry for not being smarter/wiser. 
I'm longing for the day I will meet you again,

Nov 3

Dearest Isaiah,

I am struggling.
Life is very hard right now.

"Dear God, Your Word says to pour out our hearts to You.  So thats what I'm going to do.  I am so very depressed and worried right now, God.  Nothing seems to be happening that is good.  There seems to be nothing to look forward to.  These headaches are so worrisome.  What is causing them God? Oh God - I long, long, long for a time of just phsical peace.  A baby.  Physical health.  It is hard to really, really, really trust.  So hard.  Please help me to trust.  To deeply trust. 
Father, there are babies in very bad situations; You have a heart for orphans and for redemption.  Please God, bring the needy, the orphan to us.  I think of "T" and the two sets of twins (from the place I volunteer). Please protect them even now. 
Free me from my fears.
You are good. Amen."

Love you so much Isaiah!

Oct 27th
Dearest Isaiah-
Yesterday the lady from DSS came for our first meeting re: foster care.  So the lady was supposed to show up at 6:00.  About 1-2 minutes before 6:00, AnnaGrace and Kate suddenly appeared at the back door (they had been outside swinging).  They were both wailing! Yes, WAILING! And yes, BOTH of them! :) AnnaGrace had a goose egg on her forehead and Kate's lip was bleeding.  My heart just sank.  This was not the best scenario when DSS is coming to interview about foster care. 
Thankfully, she was late!
I sent Daniel out to swing with the girls and calm them down a little.  I walked into the office to watch for DSS worker.  What did I see out the window? A rainbow! I thought I might be dreaming-so I went out and made the rest of the fam look at it.  They saw it too- So I know I wasn't dreaming :)
She finally came, we chatted.  Said we could have a placement by December!
Praying that God continues to lead us. And that He provides a baby!
I've been having some health problems.  They may all be in my head.  They may be due to a sinus infection.  They may be cancer. Of course--they bring fear.  What if I do have cancer? What if I'm dying? Death is all too real right now.  When I dwell on it it, it makes me feel panicky and emotional. 
"Help me God to trust You.  And please allow me to live to see my girls grow up. :)"
Love you so much Isaiah!

It has been almost 5 months since I last posted! A lot, and I mean A WHOLE LOT has happened in those 5 months.  I've decided to try to start blogging again.  To catch everyone up to speed, I'm going to be posting some of my journal entries from the last 5 months. 
A few explanations first:
  ~When I journal, I always begin with "Dear Isaiah,".  Just my way of remembering/connecting.
  ~We decided a long time ago that we wanted to pursue adoption and/or foster care (please see post from August 10 for further details).
  ~When I wrote these journal entries-- I did not think that I would be posting them on my blog. :) 

With that said, here's a journal entry from October 12.

Dear Isaiah-
I just read a very encouraging and convicting devotional from the Streams Devo Book.  Here's an excerpt..
 "I implore you to not give in to despair.  It is a dangerous temptation... Hopelessness constricts and withers the heart, rendering it unable to sense God's blessings and grace... makes your burdens seem too heavy for you to bear.  Yet God's plans for you, and HIs ways of bringing about His plans are infinitely wise." 
So, Isaiah, that's right where I am at.  Tempted to despair because adoption is looking impossible.  I'm struggling with self-pity and a bit of anger at God.  But I want to be like Joseph and Paul-- trusting God where ever I am.  They trusted their Savior wherever they were, allowing Him to use them. 
God, please forgive my bitterness and self pity.  ANd my anger.  Help me to trust.  Help my heart to be joyful and content despite my circumstance.  I need Your help for this task.
Oh Isaiah, what a journey this is!  Love you lots!
Love,
Momma

And one from October 13.

Dear Isaiah,
~Six months since you died
~My heart is till so broken
~My arms ache
~The adoption loans all fell through


October 17.
Dear Isaiah,
Yesterday my mom and I fasted and prayed about adoption/foster care.  Since we didnt get the loans--I have no idea how we will afford adoption.  Then last night--we get news that someone in our church will give us an interest free loan! Wow! I am so thanful!
We may do foster care though.  I do worry about the girls if we do foster-- will they get too attached and then be hurt if/when the baby leaves??
Dear God, please protect us from a wrong decision.  Lead us as only You can.
Love you Isaiah!
Momma


Oct 24.
Dear Isaiah,
Last night while we were shopping, Kate just all of the sudden proclaimed that God is bringing us a baby :)
And AnnaGrace was sitting in my lap after dinner and said "There's a rainbow!" Of course, it was really just the sunset- but the colors were pretty.  And the day before, she just spontaneously decided to give me a picture she had drawn.  It was of me and a baby :)
Soon?
Oh I hope so!
Love you Isaiah!
Love Momma