Originally, she came to stay with us for just a few days.  And then she went home for about a week.  Then, her mom called and asked if I would pick her up and take care of her for awhile. 
Eleven months later and we are still taking care of her.

My husband and I have always been interested in foster/adoption --we even talked about it before we were married(oh how fun and innocent and simple life seemed back then!).  However, we were thinking young children.  Babies.  Toddlers at the oldest.  We knew enough to know that a three year old who has been raised in a terrible environment will have some deep wounds.  And those wounds will need lots of skilled care to heal.  And we knew we did not have that type of skill.  

However, God obviously had different plans than we had. 

We planned to have a third child.
                         God allowed our third child to die.
We planned to then foster or adopt an infant.  (My husband clearly said-- no child over 2.)
                         God brought us a three year old.

Let me be very clear here--I like to be in control.  I like to make a plan and then follow that plan, checking off each step as it is accomplished. 

She is hurting.  Her wounds are very raw.  She's angry and lashing out. 
Its difficult for me to see the wounds.  Instead, I see the tantrums, the disobedience, the meanness.  (She's four now and she still poops in her pull-up, but only when she wants to.  If she wants a treat-- she'll poop in the potty.  If she's angry-- she'll poop in her pull-up.  Do you know what its like to change a four year old's poop?  Its Disgusting.  I HATE DOING IT.)

There are times when I feel so angry at God.  "Why, God?" I question Him.  I cry out in ager to this God "Why did my baby die? Why did you bring this child to me?  Why do I have to deal with an angry, mean, fighting-the-world four year old after everything else that I've been through?"

She doesn't want us to have control over her.  She believes that she must remain in control.  No matter the consequence.  But she cant continue to live like that.  She must learn to trust us.  She must allow us to take care of her.  To trust the decisions we make for her.  She must realize that she doesn't see nor understand as we do.  She must find rest in our love.

After my tears dry up and the questions stop pouring forth, I hear a small voice saying to me "My child-- I love you.  And I have a plan for your life.  A plan that you can not see nor understand.  My ways are not your ways.  You simply must trust Me.  You must learn to let go of your plans, to open your tightly fisted hand, to let go of control and keep your eyes on Me.  This world, your plans, they will not bring you joy because you do not see the whole picture.  You must trust me. "


She and I-- I'm thinking we may have a few things in common. 
   


  

Tough times this week:
~Waiting in a line and a pregnant lady gets in line behind me.  I wanted to run away.  I literally had to work really hard to just stand still.  Is it crazy that I still feel panicky/sad/angry/jealous when seeing pregnant women?  Shouldn't I be better by now?
~My sis in law sent a text announcing her 4th pregnancy.  Yep, she was pregnant with her third when I was pregnant with Isaiah, my third.  Yep, she got her son.  And, yep, she is pregnant again! I am so very happy for them.  I am so very sad that its not that easy for me. Now, I'm just waiting for my other sister in law (who was also pregnant when I was pregnant) to announce that she's pregnant....

Sweet times this week:
~Sitting in the nursery that would have been Isaiah's room and rocking my sweet rainbow son "J" while watching my sweet foster son "C" play.  Knowing that I have been able to love on two boys who have also experienced a loss in their little lives is somehow comforting.
~Listening to my oldest daughter AnnaGrace call J her "best bud in the whole wide world".  I love the sweet relationship between them!   I love that she has a little brother here on earth.  I am so thankful for his precious, miraculous life.

In the bike trailer together.
I know, I know, J looks a little funny here. :)

Confusing time this week:
~Meeting C's mom at the foster care review board meeting, and watching as the board reviewed the case against her and then delivered some hard news.  She cried.  I felt so sorry for her.  I felt a little angry too--why had she done those things to her precious son?  Didn't she realize what a gift he was? But, mostly, I felt sorry for her.  I wonder what her life has been like.  What her life is currently like.  I tried to comfort her a little.  She asked me to give her son a hug from her.  I understand the feeling of losing a son and just wanting to simply give him a hug.  I told her I definitely would. And I did.
~Emmie is having a terrible time.  She starts counseling on Friday.  I hope it helps.  I just need to do one whole post on the situation with her.  Its just really hard stuff.    
 

Where do I begin?

Well, they say a picture is worth a 1,000 words, so I'll just share a couple snapshots from our last few months:


We landed back in the hospital for the second time this summer.  Different little girl.  Different problem. STILL.NO.FUN.
 Hoping and praying for no more hospital stays in the near future!
 

After our stay in the hospital, we headed to the beach for some R & R. It was a sweet time of much needed rest. And of smiles. :)

 

We were so thankful for this time away.  We did not want to go home! 





 

 

 

While at the beach, DSS called (again!) asking if we would consider taking a foster child.  This time we decided to say yes. And the Monday we returned, a precious 14 month old boy was brought to our home. My heart breaks for "C" (who is on the left); suffice it to say he has had nothing short of a very very very tough first 14months of life.

 

 

 

 

Doing life with 5 little ones ages 6yo and under is WiLd and CrAzY :)

 

 

 

And although my arms are never empty these days, my heart still longs, grieves, yearns for the little one that I will never again (this side of eternity) hold.

 

 

There is so much to write.  So many emotions in this heart of mine that I need to process.  There is still so much sadness over losing Isaiah; there is still so much envy of others and their "perfect" pregnancies and birth stories"; there is  unbelief about how a mom could so neglect her 14month old baby boy; there is confusion about why God chooses to take some little babies but He decides to grant life to others; there is a growing awareness of all the brokenness in this world (I truly led such a sheltered happy life); there is a grieving and a questioning of God about all this brokenness.... there are just so many many emotions. 

However, my day has been (just a tad) busy, and I am tired. 

So, I'm going to sign off. 

But I do hope to write again soon.