After Isaiah died, Eternity became more real to me.  I always believed that Eternity was real, but, on April 14th, it became more real.  And I started thinking and talking about it more.  One day, my mom and I were talking about Heaven and she said that when we are there, we will look back at our life here on earth and it will probably seem like a dream.  Not that it didn't happen, but that its significance was small compared to Eternity.
If that is true, then I definitely want to spend more time/effort on things that are of eternal value vs. things that are just of earthly value.
So, I decided to volunteer at our local crisis pregnancy center.  Wow--it has been so good.  I go there to serve, but it has blessed me so very much.  When I am there, I realize that life is hard.  It is not perfect.  There is brokenness.  I am not the only one that is hurting.   These women are crying because they too have broken hearts.  Broken by those that were supposed to love them, but instead took advantage of them, causing them to endure torment that no little girl should endure.  It reminds me to cling to my Savior--to set my hope on Him and to not try to search for satisfaction in this broken, messed up world. 
I don't understand why Isaiah died.  I don't understand why these women have had to endure indescribable pain.
My whole being is crying out from the pain of it all, but in faith, I believe that He will redeem that which was lost.  He will make it right.  Death will be no more.  Evil will be punished. 
Beauty will come from ashes.
Oh how I long for that day.        

This morning my in-laws decided to take the girls to the zoo.  It was not easy to let them go (recently losing a child = fear that you will lose your other children).   However, it did allow me some time to just sit and be quiet.  Which I did.  As I sat in Isaiah's nursery, praying and thinking, the issue of guilt flooded my heart and mind.  I have been struggling with feeling very guilty about Isaiah's death.  While no reason for his death has been found, I feel very responsible.  I opted for the VBAC.  If I had gone through with a repeat C-section, he would have been born alive.  But I pushed for the VBAC.  I switched doctors mid pregnancy so that I could have the VBAC.  I did not protect my son.  I cant describe the pain that these thoughts have caused.  How could a good mom not protect her precious son from death?
As I was struggling and crying, it was like God spoke this question to me... "Did you sin? What did you do that was wrong?"  I paused and thought about that for a bit. 
Well, nothing I guess.
In deciding to try for a VBAC, I did not knowingly do anything wrong.  My husband was ok with it.  My new doctor (and the rest of the 8 doctors in that practice) were ok with it.  I read and researched.  I researched and read.  I was doing what I thought was best.  Best for him, best for me, best for future children we may have.  So, no, I did not knowlingly do anything sinful.
So, then it was like God said "Well, then, why are you feeling guilty?" 
Hmmm, I thought, I don't know.  I just feel responsible.
"Could I have made you want a repeat c-section instead of a vbac?"
Yes.
"Could I have made you go into labor a couple days early?"
Yes. 
And the biggest question... "Could I have saved his life if I had chosen?"
Yes.
"Then who is ultimately responsible for Isaiah's death?"
You, Lord. 
"Then, my dear child, do not feel guilty.  Release these feelings of guilt.  Rest in the fact that I am sovereign and although you can not see it, I have a plan.  A very good plan.  Just trust.  You are a good mom.  You did what was right.  You would have done anything to save your son.  I know that.  I know how much you loved him.  Do not feel guilty.  I am in control.  Rest, my daughter, just rest."

Death stole the life of my son.  God says that death is an enemy.  One day, it will be defeated.  But right now it is here...stealing life.
Death stole the life of my precious son.  It stole other things as well:

• the joy of getting to know my son-- Until Heaven, I will not know anything about my precious boy...Was he athletic like his father? Musical like his grandfather? Outdoorsey like his uncle? Was he kind? Introverted or extroverted? 
• the ability of his sisters to live carefree.  My girls now know that death is very real.  It can happen when they least expect it.  Because of this, they battle fear.  I pray that God would remove this fear from their tender hearts. 
• the ability to see pregnant women and not feel envy.  Do they know the gift they've been given?
• participating in "birth stories."  I was at our weekly play date and, besides me, there were 7 other moms.  Four of those mom were pregnant(and at least one other is ttc)!  The topic of conversation...labor and delivery.  I really dont think anyone wants to hear what it feels like to lie on an operating table in a painfully quiet room while a doctor pulls the lifeless body of your precious baby out.  So, I just sat quietly and listened. Listened while my heart, once again, broke.
• the ability to answer the following simple question ... "How many children do you have?"...without crying. 
• the ability to really, truly feel completely joyful.  Yes, there are times when I can laugh and smile.  But, because a piece of my heart is missing, I dont feel truly joyful.  I'm not sure if it will always be this way...

Death is an awful enemy.  But, it will be defeated one day!

Rev 21:4  "and He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall no longer be any death; there shall no longer be any mourning, or crying or pain" 

What an awesome picture.... Jesus, tenderly wiping away our tears, comforting us with the knowledge that the enemy death has been defeated.  Jesus has conquered it.  It can no longer steal that which is so dear to us.  Oh how I long for that day!    

More things to be thankful for:

                                       Little girls who conquer their fear of "the big slide"!

A "Pop" who enjoys reading to his grandchildren.

A dad who loves his girl.

Silly girls with crazy curls.

"Remembering is an act of thanksgiving, a way of thanksgiving, this turn of the heart over time's shoulder to see all the long way His arms have carried. 
In memory, the shape of God's yesterday-heart emerges and assures of God's now-heart and reassures of His sure beat tomorrow.  ... It is thanksgiving that shapes a theology of trust... Isn't this what ultimately Christ asks of us in the Last Supper?  ... Do this in remembrance of me.  Remember and give thanks.  This is the crux of Christianity: to remember and give thanks, eucharisteo."

This excerpt is from one of my favorite books... 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp.

"In everything, give thanks."
 Losing my son, though? Should I really give thanks in that? 
Yes, I think so. 
Because, I'm realizing that when we force ourselves to thank our Heavenly Father, we receive a gift.  In thanking Him, we come to really, truly see that He is trustworthy, that He is good.  And then, in turn, we can face the future and be unafraid of what it holds. 

So, as I lay in bed this morning, I decided to try to come up with a list of things that I was thankful for during the days surrounding the loss of my son:

• For my husband who tenderly took care of me as my heart shattered in a million pieces.
• For a sweet nurse who cradled my sons body so gently, bathing him and dressing him as if he were alive.
• For a doctor who cried.
• For a friend who simply gave a silent hug with tears streaming down her face.
• For my brother who held my son. 
• For sister in laws who came to the hospital to just sit and be there.
• For a mother in law who took care of my precious daughters while her own heart was breaking.
• For my precious girls who came with sweet gifts to cheer up their momma.
• For a nurse who herself knew the pain of stillbirth.
• For my mom who didn't leave my side, weeping when I wept, comforting as only a mom can.
• For my dad who sat by my bed and reminded me of Truth.
• For a photographer who took beautiful pictures of my son.
• For a "records & certificates" lady who first gave a hug and whispered words of comfort before doing the job she is paid to do.
• For friends, so many friends, who prayed, cried, sent hundreds (literally!) of cards, made meals, visited, cleaned my home..... precious, precious friends
• For people that I have never met who sent letters and gave money.
• For a group at church who decided to cover the cost of the mortuary.

I am so thankful for all these things and there are many, many more. 
But the thing I am most thankful for is:

• A God who gave His own son and who promised:

                   When you pass through the waters, 
                    I will be with you;
                    and when you pass through the rivers,
                    they will not sweep over you. Is 43:2

        and He was faithful to keep His promise. 

What about you? In remembering your darkest time, is there anything you can give thanks for?

Its been a bit over a week since I last posted.  For some reason, I haven't felt like writing.  I've just wanted to get away from "it" all.  I haven't wanted to read other blogs, I haven't wanted to be a "baby lost mom", I've just wanted to be a mom.  A mom with a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a 12 week old.  A happy, carefree mom with a 4 year old, 2 year old, and 12 week old. 
But I cant get away from it.  It's there.  I was pregnant, I had a precious life growing inside me, I was excited, I was just on the verge of celebrating one of the happiest days of my life, and it was all stolen from me. 
I'm weary.  I'm weary of seeing reminders and feeling sharp stabs of pain.  I'm weary of not knowing whether today is going to be a good day or a bad day.  I'm weary of feeling intensely jealous toward all the beautiful preggo mommas around me.  I'm weary of fighting the lies that God does not care.

"God, please give me strength to walk through this difficult time."

"He shields all who take refuge in him" psalm 18:30

My God is a shield. 
He can protect against all the arrows that come my way.  But I have to choose whether or not I want to be protected.  I have to choose to take refuge. How do I take refuge in him?
By saturating my mind with Truth. 

Here is the Truth:
God is in control.
He does hold the keys to life and death. 
Isaiah's days were in His hands
He loves me.
He understands intense sadness.
He was not punishing me.
I am not at fault.
He will bring "beauty from ashes".
I will see my son again. 

"Thank you God for truth.  Bind it around my heart.  Be my shield today."