This morning my in-laws decided to take the girls to the zoo.  It was not easy to let them go (recently losing a child = fear that you will lose your other children).   However, it did allow me some time to just sit and be quiet.  Which I did.  As I sat in Isaiah's nursery, praying and thinking, the issue of guilt flooded my heart and mind.  I have been struggling with feeling very guilty about Isaiah's death.  While no reason for his death has been found, I feel very responsible.  I opted for the VBAC.  If I had gone through with a repeat C-section, he would have been born alive.  But I pushed for the VBAC.  I switched doctors mid pregnancy so that I could have the VBAC.  I did not protect my son.  I cant describe the pain that these thoughts have caused.  How could a good mom not protect her precious son from death?
As I was struggling and crying, it was like God spoke this question to me... "Did you sin? What did you do that was wrong?"  I paused and thought about that for a bit. 
Well, nothing I guess.
In deciding to try for a VBAC, I did not knowingly do anything wrong.  My husband was ok with it.  My new doctor (and the rest of the 8 doctors in that practice) were ok with it.  I read and researched.  I researched and read.  I was doing what I thought was best.  Best for him, best for me, best for future children we may have.  So, no, I did not knowlingly do anything sinful.
So, then it was like God said "Well, then, why are you feeling guilty?" 
Hmmm, I thought, I don't know.  I just feel responsible.
"Could I have made you want a repeat c-section instead of a vbac?"
Yes.
"Could I have made you go into labor a couple days early?"
Yes. 
And the biggest question... "Could I have saved his life if I had chosen?"
Yes.
"Then who is ultimately responsible for Isaiah's death?"
You, Lord. 
"Then, my dear child, do not feel guilty.  Release these feelings of guilt.  Rest in the fact that I am sovereign and although you can not see it, I have a plan.  A very good plan.  Just trust.  You are a good mom.  You did what was right.  You would have done anything to save your son.  I know that.  I know how much you loved him.  Do not feel guilty.  I am in control.  Rest, my daughter, just rest."