Its been a bit over a week since I last posted.  For some reason, I haven't felt like writing.  I've just wanted to get away from "it" all.  I haven't wanted to read other blogs, I haven't wanted to be a "baby lost mom", I've just wanted to be a mom.  A mom with a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a 12 week old.  A happy, carefree mom with a 4 year old, 2 year old, and 12 week old. 
But I cant get away from it.  It's there.  I was pregnant, I had a precious life growing inside me, I was excited, I was just on the verge of celebrating one of the happiest days of my life, and it was all stolen from me. 
I'm weary.  I'm weary of seeing reminders and feeling sharp stabs of pain.  I'm weary of not knowing whether today is going to be a good day or a bad day.  I'm weary of feeling intensely jealous toward all the beautiful preggo mommas around me.  I'm weary of fighting the lies that God does not care.

"God, please give me strength to walk through this difficult time."

"He shields all who take refuge in him" psalm 18:30

My God is a shield. 
He can protect against all the arrows that come my way.  But I have to choose whether or not I want to be protected.  I have to choose to take refuge. How do I take refuge in him?
By saturating my mind with Truth. 

Here is the Truth:
God is in control.
He does hold the keys to life and death. 
Isaiah's days were in His hands
He loves me.
He understands intense sadness.
He was not punishing me.
I am not at fault.
He will bring "beauty from ashes".
I will see my son again. 

"Thank you God for truth.  Bind it around my heart.  Be my shield today."