Your death catapulted my life onto an entirely different path. Before you died, I had a sweet little life... 2 precious daughters, healthy and pregnant with my third child, wonderful husband, nice little church, sweet little friends, beautifully boring days with hardly a problem in sight...
Ha.
After your death, things changed!
Those 2 precious daughters... they spent many evenings crying, many days panicking that someone else would die.
That wonderful husband... he was walking around with a shattered heart.
Those sweet little friends....well, they tried to understand, but they (for the most part) just couldn't (and they kept getting pregnant and they kept giving birth to healthy babies...).
And my beautifully boring days... they were filled such sadness and pain and panic attacks.
Yes, my life changed completely.
And those changes caused me to face the very realness of death. And eternity. And the suffering that is present here on earth. Of course, I knew that we would all die, and I knew that there were people who were hurting. But, before losing you, Isaiah, I tried to keep those thoughts at arms length (or further!).
But then, you died.
And I realized that death wont always be at arms length.
And then little Emmie came(and I realized the torment of s. abuse that she had endured),
and I met J's birth mom(and watched as she, amidst great tears, handed her son over to me),
and I held little C(and watched as a judge terminated his mom's rights),
and I realized that I was not the only one hurting... I certainly didn't have the corner on the market of suffering in this life.
And as I'm just crossing the two year mark of losing you, I'm realizing that, along with my life changing, my heart is changing. I'm not sure, exactly, how to put this into words... But I no longer want that old life. I don't want the superficialness of it. I want my life to matter for eternity. I want my Savior, the one who died for me, to be pleased with my life. I want to see those who are hurting and weep with them and tell them that there is a God who loves them and that this is not the end of their story and that this life is very brief compared to eternity.
The problem is, when you open your eyes to the suffering around you, when you are willing to share in that suffering, you too will suffer some. You cant share another's load and not expect to feel some of the pain and heaviness of the burden. And being burdened is not what my flesh enjoys. But God is near to the broken hearted and reaching out to the broken hearted brings me near to the heart of God. And that is a sweet place, I place that I want to be.
The situation with Emmie is very difficult. A s. abused, physically abused, 4 1/2 year old is not easy to deal with. The trauma and pain that she must work through is great. Many people are telling Daniel and I to stop. My heart is wrestling. Daniel's heart is wrestling. I have no idea what will happen.
I do know, though, that I can never go back to living a life that ignores those who are hurting.
Oh Isaiah, what a journey.
