Today, I was shopping with my mom and girls and ran into a former co-worker.  After talking for a bit, she turned and asked my mom how many grandchildren she has.  My heart sank as my mom stumbled over her words saying six and then saying seven.  I wanted to burst into tears right there!

Later, my mom asked me what I wanted her to say when people ask that question.  Without hesitation, I told her to include Isaiah in the count.

What do ya'll do?  When people ask how many children you have, do you just tell them the total number (3 in my case) and not explain where that third one is.  Or do you say three and then explain the whole story?   Or do you say two here and one in heaven?

Arggg.  Will this grieving stuff ever get easier?

On a slightly lighter note...Love some of the lyrics of the song Forever Reign by One Sonic Society....

"You are light...
When the darkness closes in

You are hope...
You've covered all my sin

You are peace...
When my fear is crippling

You are truth...
Even in my wandering

You are joy...
You're the reason that I sing

You are life...
In You death has lost it's sting

 

You are more...
Than my words will ever say

You are Lord...
All creation will proclaim

You are here...
In Your presence I'm made whole

You are God...
Of all else I'm letting go"

I'm really really thankful for my daughters.

• Yesterday, my 2 year old brings me two flowers (well, they were actually weeds!).  Handing me one, she says "This one for Isaiah". Thanking her, I take the flower.   "And this one for you" she says as she hands me the second one. Can I cry?  :)
• At night, Daniel and I usually pray with the  girls.  Well my two year old has pretty much prayed the same sentence in every prayer since Isaiah died. In her precious two year old voice, she asks God to "Help momma feel better."  Oh the sweetness of a child's faith and love. 

 



I really really enjoy running in the mornings.  It is one place in my life where I feel like I am, at least somewhat, in control (I can run fast or slow), where I know just what to expect (the tough spots-- ie hills --are always in the exact same spot, no surprises), where I dont have to fake anything (I can even cry... its dark so no one sees my face), and where I get to be a spectator of God's unharmed-by-man-handiwork (some of the sunrises are just amazing). 

 



I'm really really affected by the weather.  It has been cloudy and drizzling ("tinkling" as my daughters say) for two days now.  I'm fighting the temptation to climb into bed and just cry.  Instead, I think I will get my two girls and my mom and go shopping!

(insert picture of Target here!)

 



I'm really really longing for Heaven.  The heartache of many fellow mommas is weighing heavily on my heart.... a momma who was forced to say goodbye way to soon to her teenage daughter because of a car accident; a momma who buried her precious 9 year old son last week after his long battle with a progressive disease, a momma struggling to survive a battle with breast cancer so that she may live to raise her precious adopted daughter, a momma who may be a single mom soon because of a crazy, unexpected stroke that may claim the life of her husband... Truly it feels as if "the whole creation has been groaning..." (Rom 8:23).  "Oh God, the sadness and suffering of so many women is so great.  Please, God, hold these dear precious mommas in Your gentle arms.  May their weary souls find rest in You.  In our sadness, help us to cling to the Cross...the love and hope that it represents. Thank You for the Cross... because of it, our greatest need has been met."

(image via pinterest)



Now... off to do some "shop therapy"....

Dearest Isaiah,

Today marks your 5month "birth" day.  Precious baby... I miss you so much.  So much that my heart just feels like it will soon be crushed from the weight of the grief, so much that my arms literally ache from the emptiness.  I am still in complete shock that you are not here.  I cant believe that you were still born...    You were growing so well...  The pregnancy was going so well... There were no problems.  How is it possible that you died?  What caused you to die? 

Sometimes, I just want to throw something.

Your cousin was born this week.  Little E.  Perfectly healthy, perfectly alive.  A. gave birth at home.  Water broke, labor began, 3 hours later.. E was here.  Crying.  Breathing.  Healthy.  Beautiful.  I'd be completely lying if I said I wasnt jealous.  Very jealous. I was hoping and dreaming of a natural birth.  I was so looking forward to not having to endure a c-section.  How silly that seems now... I would endure any amount of surgery/pain just to have you be alive and healthy. 

So, now, your 2 cousins are here.  L who is 2 months younger than you.  And E who is 5 months younger than you.  But you, of course, are not here.

Sometimes, I just want to climb into bed and sob.

Oh Isaiah.  Life used to seem to simple.

And so good. 

I now know that life is hard.  There is suffering.  There is sadness.  Bad things really do happen.  People really do die.

BUT, with this realization, comes the deep understanding of just what my Savior did for me.  I am learning that He met my greatest need.  My greatest need was not a cushy life.  It was not freedom from adversity.  My greatest need was for forgiveness.  For reconciliation with a pefect God.  For life after death.  And that is what Jesus, my Savior, my precious Savior,  did on the cross.  He met my greatest need.

And so I grieve.  But I grieve with a glimmer of hope.  Hope because I know that I will see you again.

Sweet Isaiah, I love you.  I love you to the moon and back!!

Momma   



Wow--this past month has been hard.  . 
Overall, though, I think the journey has gotten a little easier... I'm not feeling the need to hide out at home and grieve 24/7, I'm not dreading play dates with friends as much, I've been able to hold my 3 month old nephew without sobbing, and I've been able to talk to my sister-in-law about her pregnancy and the anticipated arrival of her son...
Even though it has been much slower than I had hoped, I can look back and see that I have made progress along this rough path... definitely thankful for progress!

I've written some about my four year old daughter and the way that she has handled losing Isaiah.  Suffice it to say, it has not been an easy journey for her.  One of the things that I decided to do to help her express her grief was to make an "Isaiah Book".  We went to Target and picked out a photo album, then I let her select some pictures that she wanted to put into her book.  After that, she told me exactly where she wanted each picture placed and what she wanted me to write beside each picture.  She drew in some pictures as well.  I wasn't sure how she would feel about the book, but she really got into it!  Now, she keeps it on a shelf beside her bed and looks at it from time to time.  I'm hoping that it will always be a precious reminder to her of her little brother.