Dearest Isaiah,

Today marks your 5month "birth" day.  Precious baby... I miss you so much.  So much that my heart just feels like it will soon be crushed from the weight of the grief, so much that my arms literally ache from the emptiness.  I am still in complete shock that you are not here.  I cant believe that you were still born...    You were growing so well...  The pregnancy was going so well... There were no problems.  How is it possible that you died?  What caused you to die? 

Sometimes, I just want to throw something.

Your cousin was born this week.  Little E.  Perfectly healthy, perfectly alive.  A. gave birth at home.  Water broke, labor began, 3 hours later.. E was here.  Crying.  Breathing.  Healthy.  Beautiful.  I'd be completely lying if I said I wasnt jealous.  Very jealous. I was hoping and dreaming of a natural birth.  I was so looking forward to not having to endure a c-section.  How silly that seems now... I would endure any amount of surgery/pain just to have you be alive and healthy. 

So, now, your 2 cousins are here.  L who is 2 months younger than you.  And E who is 5 months younger than you.  But you, of course, are not here.

Sometimes, I just want to climb into bed and sob.

Oh Isaiah.  Life used to seem to simple.

And so good. 

I now know that life is hard.  There is suffering.  There is sadness.  Bad things really do happen.  People really do die.

BUT, with this realization, comes the deep understanding of just what my Savior did for me.  I am learning that He met my greatest need.  My greatest need was not a cushy life.  It was not freedom from adversity.  My greatest need was for forgiveness.  For reconciliation with a pefect God.  For life after death.  And that is what Jesus, my Savior, my precious Savior,  did on the cross.  He met my greatest need.

And so I grieve.  But I grieve with a glimmer of hope.  Hope because I know that I will see you again.

Sweet Isaiah, I love you.  I love you to the moon and back!!

Momma