November 18

Dearest Isaiah-
Yesterday, while I was eating breakfast, I checked my email.  There was an email about a preemie baby boy that had just been born.  He was in the NICU in Fl.  I was immediately excited!  BUT, the birth mom had aids and her drug tests were positive.  I ran up the stairs to show Daniel the email.  We talked, researched, prayed, researched, prayed, researched, talked and then had to hurry to go the girls' Thanksgiving program.  Arrgg-- all I could think of was the baby.  Finally, we left :) I asked Daniel what he thought.  He said we should submit!  He was very excited about this scenario-- something he had not been in the previous scenarios that we had seen and decided against.  We got all the necessary paperwork together and submitted it.  I tried to stay calm (I'm not so great at staying calm!).  We found out that there were 5 other families interested in adopting this baby boy.  We were going to be told that night who the birth mom chose. 
Of course, we had previously invited all of our families over for dinner.  I so wished we could cancel because I did not want the call to come while they were here!
They came.
Time ticked slowly.
The fam would not leave. :)
The phone rang.
I ran upstairs to answer.
The had not chosen us-- she chose a couple with no children.
I was sad (but very happy for the other couple-- I have 2 precious daughters. They had no living children.  Truly, I was thankful that they were getting a precious gift!).
I know and trust that it was God saying-- this is not your son (my mom had fasted and prayed all day!!). 
It was still hard. I had let myself daydream about the possibilities...
Just one more (albeit small) loss.

On top of that --I'm on an antibiotic.  I finally went to the doctor.  I had a red ear, red throat, and wheezing/crackles in my lungs (no wonder I feel awful!).  Hopefully all the congestion is what is causing my headaches(vs my biggest fear-- a brain tumor!).  Still feeling kinda miserable. Will life ever again be easy, predictable, joyful??

"Dear Father- I am Your bond servant.  You are holy.  You are the King of Kings.  You have the right to do whatever You choose with my life.  But I do know that You love me as well; that You hear and see.  Please God, please bring healing and please bring a son.  Help me to trust You in this storm."

Oh Isaiah-- I love you lots!!