Nov 9
Dearest Son,
Your sisters love watching home videos and since Kate had the stomach bug today (um yes-- she threw up ALL over the grocery store--I first attempted to catch it in the palm of my hand and then, upon realizing that it was way too much to catch-I ran for the bathroom, leaving at trail of throw up all the way! While trying to tell a worker that he may have some cleaning to do--some lady approached the same worker to tell him that another shopper had slipped and fallen in something and was still just sitting there in the something!!! I just snuck back into the bathroom.  Oh the joys of motherhood!)  Anyways, where was I? Oh yes- Kate had the stomach bug and so we camped out on the sofa and watched old home videos all day.  I saw the video of AnnaGrace when she was 7 months old (just about the age you would be right now).  My heart just broke. 
I did some research online (probably not the best thing, but I just want some explanation for your death).  Maybe if I had eaten more and taken more calcium/magnesium/prenatals and exercised less, you may have lived.  Kate needed calcium at birth.  It helped her heart arrhythmias.  Maybe it was what you needed to?? I'm so so sorry.  I really think you should have weighed more. 
                 AnnaGrace was 8lbs2oz and 20 3/4 inches long (at 1 week early)
                  Kate was 5lbs14oz and 18 inches long (at 6 1/2weeks early)
                 You were just 7lbs8oz but you were 21 1/4 inches long (on your due date)
That just doesnt make sense. :(
Maybe I was not absorbing enough nutrients and then DUMB me was not taking all the multivitamins I should have and DUMB me was exercising.  No wonder you werent that big!
I'm so sorry.

In other news...
Foster care edu classes are scheduled for Thursdays.  And of course, Daniel has to leave town for work.  His trip has been put off and put off and now it will most likely fall on the week of the classes.  Which means we have to wait one more month to be licensed.  Arggg.
I'm very confused about this foster care thing.  I wish God would just clearly tell us what to do.  I hate being confused.  My dream is to adopt a preemie (like Kate was).
"God, I want to love the unloved.  I want to minister where I'm needed.  But God, can I give up a baby again? If we do foster care and I have to say goodbye--will I be able to do that? Could You bring one for us to adopt first? Then we will love and let go.  Oh God are You at work? Are You orchestrating events? It doesnt feel like it.  Please God, bring beauty from ashes.  Please do it soon.  Oh Father, my heart cries out from the pain and sadness.  I ask of You-- the mighty God Who is my Abba Father- I ask that You would bring us a son.  Please hear my cry.  Please before Thanksgviing, before Christmas.  I dont think I can bear to love and let go again.  So please show Daniel if foster care is not the right path for us.  But DSS needs foster parents.  And more than anything, I want to care for a little one that needs us. Please be honored, please allow us to love on orphans, please bring us a son.  Amen"

Isaiah- I love you. 
I'm so so sorry for not being smarter/wiser. 
I'm longing for the day I will meet you again,