June 9th, 2012
Dear Isaiah--Oh sweet Baby--The Last 48 hours have been gut wrenching hard. Your uncle (Will) called to let me know that Jess was in labor. A few hours later, your sweet cousin was born. Jess had the perfect labor and delivery. The kind I had dreamed of. Liam was beautiful. It was everything I had dreamed of and longed for and hoped for. I went to the hospital and was there when he was born. I saw the joy in Wills face. I saw precious Liam.
Oh Isaiah--the emotions of the past 48 hours have been similar to what I felt in the days after I delivered you. Crushing grief. Lots of tears. So very empty. I knew it would be hard--but not this hard. Honestly, I am struggling with God again.
How is it that my brother is rejoicing over his son, and everyone is saying that God is so good? Is He good because He gave them a perfect delivery and healthy son? Is God good because He gave Will that? Is giving Will a healthy baby boy the sign that God's favor rests on him? Does God love Will more than He does me? Is the number of blessings in our lives the measure of how much God loves us? If so, then God does not love me.
But I don't think that is really true.
Just like my love for my children is not measured in how many gifts I give them, God's love for me is not measured in how many gifts He gives me. Just like my love for my children is not less when I bring "pain" into their lives (making them take a nap, making them eat broccoli, not buying every toy they ask for...), God's love for me is not less because He allowed you to die.
The measure of God's love is that He gave His one and only Son. Gave Him for us all--for Will, for me, for Liam, for you, Isaiah.
"Blessings" in this life are not a measure of God's love for us.
Yes, God does give us "good" things--but He also gives us "bad" things. He did give Will a healthy son. He did allow you to die.
But, He loves us both.
He is good in both circumstances.
I have to trust Him and truly trust that He loves me--no matter what He brings into my life. Just like my children have to truly trust that I love them. Someday they will understand why I made them eat their broccoli. Someday, I will understand why He allowed you to die.
Oh, Honey, it is so hard to see others rejoice. While we are called to mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice the reality of that is that it's oh so hard. Please be gentle with yourself and don't worry about avoiding this little one if you need to preserve your sanity for awhile. It will be so hard in the months to come to see this little one growing and healthy but later it may be 'nice' to have a little 'milestone baby'. Sucks but nice. No other way to put it. And God loves you and me. It is hard to wrap our mind around but He does. One day all will be made clear.
ReplyDeleteLove, Em
I totally resonate with this entry. I loved the song. Thank you for posting it. I have wondered those same thoughts recently. I LOVE how you conclude that "blessings" in this life are not a measure of God's love for you. I don't know why he "blesses" some but not others. Or in our case, allows us to lose our precious babies. But I want to believe, like you, that his love for us is infinite and we don't have all the pieces in this life to understand what he understands. I'm trying, like you, to trust Him. Thank you for this post.
ReplyDeleteI love this post. I resonate with your thoughts as I have struggled with them myself lately. I love how you conclude "blessings in this life are not a measure of God's love for me." I believe that too. While I don't understand AT ALL why God blesses some people with some things and not others, or in our case, allows us to lose our little babies. But I want to trust Him and that one day I will understand. I love the analogy of you parenting your little girls. That rings true to me. Thank you for sharing this post. This helped me a lot. And I love the song!
ReplyDeleteI love this post. I resonate with your thoughts as I have struggled with them myself lately. I love how you conclude "blessings in this life are not a measure of God's love for me." I believe that too. While I don't understand AT ALL why God blesses some people with some things and not others, or in our case, allows us to lose our little babies. But I want to trust Him and that one day I will understand. I love the analogy of you parenting your little girls. That rings true to me. Thank you for sharing this post. It helped me a lot. I've been thinking about it since I read it. And I love the song!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments! Its so encouraging to know that I'm not alone in my struggles. Its a never-ending battle: At times, I feel like I really trust God and know that He loves me and believe that He is good.... and then there are the other times where He seems so far away. So distant. I guess thats what faith is all about--I guess if I truly understood, there would be no need for faith. It just wasnt this hard before April 14th!
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