Thursday, July 18, 2013

Dearest Isaiah,
Tonight I feel angry at God.  I haven't felt angry at Him in awhile.  I don't understand what He is doing, what He was doing.  I look at back at pictures that were taken 3 weeks before your birth and I just feel so sad.  AnnaGrace and Kate look so innocent and young.  What was God doing to take their brother like that? Why God? Why did You do that?  Will You really use it for their good?  I don't see how that's possible.
March 2012
On top of that, why have you brought little Emmie here? My heart breaks for her - the things that she has had to endure over the past 3 years are unimaginable.  But I question whether we can be the right parents for her.  I don't know if we can help her heal.  Did You make a mistake? Shouldn't You have brought her to more qualified parents? Its hard.  Very hard.  And we have already endured hard stuff.  I'm tired of enduring hard stuff.
Oh Isaiah, as I type these words, I feel immense guilt.  God has blessed so much with giving us baby J.  Oh what a blessing that baby boy is! 
My Precious Rainbow
And He has worked a zillion miracles in rescuing Emmie out of the abusive situation.  Do I have such little faith that my Abba Father will continue to help us? I am trying to trust Him.  But, sometimes, I would like to go back, even if for just a day, and be pregnant with Isaiah.  Pregnant and enjoying a normal day with my sweet daughters. I can hardly remember what that life was like. 
Oh Isaiah.  I love you precious boy of mine!
Love,
Momma
    
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4 comments:

  1. EmJuly 19, 2013 at 12:25 AM

    We struggle over similar things my friend. Not sure if you're reading my blog these days but you were on my mind as I wrote my post 'Little J'.

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    1. JulieJuly 19, 2013 at 11:49 AM

      Hi Em- You are right-- we are struggling over similar things. I did read your post about little J (haven't commented in a long time b/c life is so crazy here. I really need to pick your brain for how to stay on top of things with this many kiddos!). Anyways, as always, it was encouraging to read. The foster thing is another area that is very difficult to explain to people who are not going through it, another area where I am now, suddenly, different from the group of friends I spend time with. I guess we just have to come to the place where we accept that our lives are different-- different than what we planned, different from those around us. What a crazy life!

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    2. EmJuly 19, 2013 at 4:00 PM

      Yes, different. Very very different. But good too sometimes. Amidst it all.

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  2. AnonymousAugust 23, 2013 at 1:44 PM

    Julie, Thank you for continuing to talk about your grief. It is liberating for me to read your experiences as I relate so deeply! I haven't been writing them in my blog because...ever since we got our rainbow, I felt I need to write about how wonderful life is now. And it IS wonderful, but the hole is still there. The loss is still there. In fact even more poignant because as you write, it has changed everything! The life that surrounds me now is a testament to Charlie's life. We wouldn't have a new baby had we not lost him. Just like perhaps you wouldn't have your rainbow and little Emmie either. Thanks for continuing to put into words what this journey is like!

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