July 3, 2013

Dearest Isaiah,
The last 15 months of my life have turned out so very different than I could have ever imagined.  I went to bed on April 12, 2012 not knowing that my world was about to start spinning out of control (well-- at least feel like it was spinning out of control and I say "feel" because I know, by faith, that God was always in control. it just hasn't felt like He was in control.).  Anyways, that night, as I fell asleep with you wiggling in my womb, I didn't know that I was about to lose you.  I didn't know that a little baby that I would one day call son was about to be conceived in another's womb.  I didn't know that there was a little girl living a few miles down the street who was being abused in wretched ways.  I didn't know this little girl would soon be calling me momma. I didn't know any of this.  I thought that my simple, easy, in control, nice life would continue on as it always had.  Oh was I mistaken!
My life is so very different now. 
Here is an example, albeit one small and kinda funny example of how different my life is.  Instead of reading this:

I'm reading this:

sorry this picture is upside down-- not sure why it is upside down-- it was right side up when I "selected" it :)
for those of you who don't feel like standing on your head to read it-- its a book entitled "Thriving as an Adoptive Family"

Yes, I used to love pouring over all things related to decorating.  Know that blog Young H0use L0ve? I used to read it every.single.day.  :) Now I pour over baby
loss and foster and adoption blogs.

As I think about how different my life is today as compared to the way my life was on April 12, 2012, various emotions bubble up:

1. Sadness-- life seemed so easy. So easy and innocent.  And good. Life was good back then, and in a way, I feel sad that life no longer seems this way.
2.  Wistfulness-- There is a sense of longing to have that easy, innocent life back.
3. Gratefulness-- Now this, I guess, contradicts those fist two points, but, hey, that's my emotions for you...confusing and, at times, contradictory :) Anyways, back to gratefulness.  There is a gratefulness for the things that God has shown me through the loss of you, Isaiah, the adoption of J, and the "fostering" of Emmie.  There are lessons that we can not learn during the easy times of life-- lessons only grasped during the trial.   Lessons like:
     ~ I have learned that I am not in control.  He is. And it is good to rest in His sovereignty. 
     ~He has taught me to long for Heaven.  Every tear, every single tear, will be wiped away. Wow.
     ~He has taught me that there is much pain in this life.  But, He brings beauty from, and in the midst of, that pain.  Beauty from ashes.  He promises to do this. And He is true to His promise.
These are a few of the lessons that I have learned.  Hard but good lessons. 

There are many more emotions that I could write about.  However, 3 of the 4 children are napping.  And if I don't go wake 2 of those 3, they will be up ALL NIGHT LONG -- so I better run. :)

Love you Isaiah!