Ok so this post may or may not make sense-- but let me try...
Night time is usually when I feel the waves of emotions hit.  I guess that's because, during the day, I'm so busy and the house is so noisy (with my 3 and then little Emmie, there are 4 kiddos ages 5 and under running around!) that I don't have time to remember. At night, though, it is quiet and I glance over at the pictures of Isaiah and I remember. 
And the memories bringing searing pain.
Last night was rough.  But it was not just me simply grieving the loss of the life of my son. It was more like I was struggling with the losing itself. Struggling with walking through the terrible experience of finding out that he was dead and then of having to tell my daughters.  It was such a shock to find out that he was dead. And when I think of that moment when I did find out he was dead, and when I think of the awful moment of when my oldest daughter found out her baby brother was dead, there is a huge storm of emotions that engulf my heart: shock, fear, sadness, anger.  These emotions are intense.  They sear. They almost take my breath away.  What surprises me is that they don't just come from the actual loss but from experience of the losing.  Does that make sense?
Its all still so shocking.  I just cant believe it happened. Its been almost 14 months, and I still cant believe it happened.
Miss ya and love ya lots, sweet Isaiah!