So my idea of how to catch everyone up on the happenings of the past couple of months is just not working too well. :) Copying my journal entries seemed like a good idea-- but it wasn't.  Too confusing.  And at the rate I'm going, I'll never catch ya'll up!  Which is why I have decided to just sit down and post one very long entry (well, as long as the kiddo's naps allow). 
Here goes....

I wrote before about a birth mom, Katie. 

Oh and names have been changed (:

I think I told you that Katie looked at profiles.... well, she did, and she chose ours!
I met her and after the meeting she texted me and said she really wanted us to be the baby's family
When I read her text, excitement and joy and fear and unbelief all filled my heart.  I called hubby and could barely tell him! Poor guy-- I was a crazy mess! Have I ever told you that he's the calm, stable one in the relationship? Well, he is :)

The baby's due date was still several months away and there was a question about the identity of the birth dad. So, after the initial excitement of her choosing us wore off, I began to seriously doubt the adoption would go through. 

Katie wanted me to be with her at doctors appointments-- so I went with her.  That was very very difficult for me emotionally-- the first time I watched her lay down on the exam table and then listened as the doctor found the baby's heart beat, I very nearly started sobbing.  Flashbacks of losing Isaiah were plentiful, to say the least.  

As the weeks went by, I tried so hard not to "bond" with this baby.  I didn't want my heart to shatter. Shattering had already happened once.  I couldn't go through that again.

I constantly tried to make sure that Katie felt safe enough with me that, if she ever even remotely had second thoughts, she could tell me.
But she constantly assured me, that though it was going to be terribly hard, it was the right thing for her to do.  She was very young.  This was not her first child.  She just couldn't give him what she wanted him to have.  She felt very sure that God had brought our family to her and she was very thankful for us.

As the due date approached, one possible birth dad (the one that was mostly likely to be the real one) showed back up on the scene and said he may not want to place the baby for adoption. He couldn't decide.  He would think about it.

Aggg!

So, we prayed and waited and trusted and waited and tried to guard our hearts.
What we didn't do was prepare.  We did not prepare for a baby. At all. Been there, done that. Wasn't going to go there again.

About a week before the due date, the dad texted my hubby and said he felt like yes he did want to place the baby and felt like yes we should be the family! 
My husband was excited!
I  guarded my heart.

After all, we didn't know if he was really even the birth dad.

One night, I got a text that the baby was about to be born.
I raced to the hospital.
I walked into the room as the nurses were weighing a precious baby boy.
Such a beautiful beautiful precious baby boy.

I immediately walked over to Katie to check on her.
The nurses handed her the baby.
Holding him close, she started crying.
My heart started breaking. For her. For me.  For the baby.

Adoption is born out of sorrow.
It is beautiful, yes, but it is beauty that comes from sadness.

The next morning, Katie was due to sign.
That morning, soon after waking up, I started crying.  I did not cry for myself--I cried for Katie.  I had recently said goodbye to a son.  I knew that pain-- that pain of letting go of a part of you.  That pain that no words can describe.  Different circumstances, yes, but still, she was saying goodbye to the little one that she had carried close to her heart for nine long months, the little one that was a part of her, the little one that she had just labored to bring into this world.

About 2 hours prior to her scheduled signing time, I decided that maybe I should go ahead and buy a bottle or two.  And maybe wash some sheets.  I did not pack a diaper bag though.  I went to the closet, got it off the shelf.  And then put it right back up on the shelf.  I just couldn't do it.

At the appointed time, the hubby and I made our way to the hospital.  We were ushered into the nursery where we sat with the baby waiting to hear if Katie signed.

Finally, the word came.  Katie actually texted me herself.  She had signed.

Let me just stop here and say, her love for this baby is incredible.  An incredible and strong and amazing love.  This baby will always know about the beautiful young girl that was his birth mom. 

She signed. She signed! 
We had a son!

Could my heart be so full of joy and sadness at the same time?

Let me introduce our son:

 

 

And that, my friends, is just the beginning....