April 5, 2013

This past week, I started battling feelings of guilt again.  Why did I try for a VBAC? Why why why? The regret that I have over that decision is immense and, at times, overwhelming.  Oh how I wish I could go back in time and opt to have the c-section.  Even if the something that was terribly wrong with Isaiah would have caused him to die shortly after birth-- at least he would have been born alive.  At least I could have met my precious son, held him in my arms, and looked into his sweet eyes.  At least he would have a birth certificate.  And maybe, just maybe, his life could have been spared. 
On Tuesday night, some girls from my old "community" group met together.  They were very sweet to ask how I was doing.  In response, I just started crying.  I shared with them how I was feeling so very guilty. What a blessing they were as they wrapped their arms around me, allowed me to cry, and spoke gentle words of truth--directing me back to the One who created Isaiah and planned his days before there was even one.
So thankful for friends. And Truth.

Nine more days.
I'm ready for the one year mark to be behind me.

And now, I'll continue with another journal entry...

November 28, 2012
Dearest Isaiah,
Yesterday Jane called.  In typical Jane fashion, she was talking fast. And, of course, in the midst of her conversation, her cell phone kept losing service.  Aggg!  Finally, I got the story. Here's the scoop...  There is a birth mom Katie who is due Feb 9th.  She had been matched with an adoptive couple but now that adoptive mom is pregnant and the couple wants to back out.  So, do we want to submit our profile??? Oh and the baby is a boy.  :)
 
Agggg.
My emotions are crazy right now.. 
I'm really trying to think it wont happen.  But its so hard.
Lots to pray about!

Love you sweet boy!