Guilt.
I am struggling with it.
Majorly.
As of right now, we do not know why Isaiah died. There is no known cause of death (which is completely crazy. Seriously, shouldn't there be an obvious cause? Babies don't just stop breathing for no reason do they? But that's a whole nother subject...). Anyways, I think back to everything that I did that possibly could have contributed to my precious son's death:
~I flew across the country at 6 weeks. Maybe it was the radiation. I was scared to fly, but everyone said it would be ok. I wish I had put my foot down.
~I ate some meat that looked a little under-cooked. I was at a birthday party and tried to get the steak that looked the most "well-done." But they were all a little pink. I wish I had been brave enough to say "No thank you".
~My girls had some crazy rash virus. The pediatrician (2 of them actually) assured me that it was not fifths disease, and that it was ok for me to be exposed. The OB's office said "well, just try to avoid contact" (ohhh ok, I'll go call my nanny. Seriously, how in the world do you just "avoid contact" with your two young children who aren't feeling well??). I wish I had pushed for lab work to test for antibodies.
~We decided to put in hard wood floors. The glue smelled awful. So many chemicals. I wish we had just waited.
~I had some stomach issues. I asked to be tested for listeria. They tested me. Test was negative but the stomach issues continued. I knew something wasn't right. I went to my family doc who said it was all normal and gave me stuff to keep me regular. It didn't make anything better. But she was adamant that it was normal. I wish I had pushed her more.
~I suddenly developed a hole in my tooth. I've never really had dental problems. One small cavity my entire life. They said I needed a root canal. And a crown. I was scared. They assured me that it was ok for the baby. I didn't want any metal--pure porcelain. There was miscommunication and they gave me some metal. I wish I had put my foot down and said no. I wish I had done more research.
~And finally, the biggest source of guilt---I didn't have a c-section. I had c-sections with both girls. I was trying for a vbac this time. If I had gone on and had a c-section, Isaiah would have been born alive. (Not sure what would have happened after that, but at least he would have been born alive). Oh how I wish I had scheduled the c-section.
The guilt is so intense at times. When I first learned he had died, all I could say was "I'm so sorry" Over and over, I said it. "I'm so so sorry."
As a mom, you would do anything to protect your children. Anything.
I couldn't give my precious son life.
I wish I could have. I wish I could go back.
Oh Isaiah, I'm so sorry. So so sorry. I would do anything to give you life.
The guilit is so familiar, too. I don't even know what to say, since I'm navigating it myself, but it really, really sucks. I'm sorry your Isaiah isn't in your arms; how I wish he was...
ReplyDeleteOh Molly--Sometimes, the guilt is just terrible. I had my 6 week check up last week and had to review all the testing that was done (let me be the first to say-- it's not the easiest thing in life to read your precious baby's autopsy report!). We still have no answers, but the genetic testing couldnt be done. So, I'm left with what in the world does the future hold? Was it something genetic??? Arggg.
ReplyDeleteWe still haven't gotten our autopsy report back. They told us it could take a few months. From everything they've told us so far though, it was likely just a cord/positioning thing.
ReplyDeleteMy guilt resides in two things. 1. I can't tell them for sure the last time I felt him move. I know I woke up that morning to the feeling of him shifting around inside me, and the rest of the day I was CRAZED with nesting (not surprising since I went into labour naturally that evening), and has moving so much that I didn't expect him to move much - he almost always would fall asleep when I'm walking around doing things. What if I had noticed right away when he stopped kicking? Could they have saved him if he was being strangled by his cord or something?
2. My hubby went away for a 3 week course when I was 38 weeks pregnant, and he was 4 hours away and needed to get the first 2 weeks done or he'd never get the chance to repeat it again. He had waited 7 years to do the course (it's a paratrooper course), so I didn't want to be the one to tell him NO, but I told him I wanted him home and wasn't comfortable with him going and he still did it anyways. He was supposed to be gone until I was 6 days overdue, but was able to complete it the day I ended up going into labour. I obviously held of on trying anything to naturally induce labour after I hit full term at 7 weeks, and I constantly wonder if Griffin would still be alive now if I had of gone into labour before the 8th. Maybe it wouldn't have, maybe I just would have gotten a week or two less time with him, but I can't help but wonder. I try not to think about it, because it would really be me blaming my hubby for putting us in that situation. Although I thought at the time that the worst case scenario was him missing Griffin's delivery. I know now there are far worse things.
Ugh.