Dear God,
Today marks Isaiah's 4month "birthday".  I can't believe that it has already been four months since he died.  Has it really been four months since I saw that screen that was so terribly still, four months since the doctor shook her head sadly, four months since my heart completely shattered?
God, I still don't understand why You allowed him to die.  Why, Abba Father, why?  Oh how I wish I knew.  Sometimes, I still feel angry with You that You did not spare his life.  But, God, I believe that You are good.  And I believe that You are near to the broken hearted. And I believe that You are working out Your perfect plan.  And I CHOOSE TO TRUST.
God, there have been many many tears today.  Oh God, how I long for Eternity...when all things will be made right.  Where every tear will be wiped away.   
God, I know that You are a God who delights in redemption, in bringing beauty from ashes.  I pray that You would redeem this situation and bring good from bad.  Where the memories bring intense and crushing pain, please bring peace.  Where the intimate knowledge that death can happen to anyone at anytime brings fear and panic, please bring trust.  Where unanswered questions bring guilt, please bring rest.  Where news of healthy babies brings jealousy, please bring joy.  I ask that You would bring beauty from the ashes of Isaiah's death.  In my life, in Daniel's life, and in the lives of my two precious daughters, please, please make this a beautiful thing.
God, I have wrestled with my understanding of who You are more in the past 4 months than the previous 30+ years.  Continue to help me to know the real You.  Continue to help that relationship grow.  I need You now more than ever.
Your daughter,
Julie
PS Please tell my precious baby boy that his momma loves him so very much.