Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Dearest Isaiah,
Its been so long since I have written on here.  Today, though, I just feel like I need to write. 
My dear son, about 8 weeks ago, I went to the doctor (the same office that I went to a zillion times while you were alive in my womb). 
This time I nervously sat in a waiting room full of young, confident, beaming pregnant moms--moms that I used to be just like.  Not this time. This time, I was fearful and nervous. 
With thumping heart, I lay down on an ultrasound table, and I listened for and longed to hear with all my being a heartbeat(just like I did the last time I had an ultrasound). 
Last time, I heard only deafening silence.
This time, though, this time was different. 
This time, I heard a heartbeat. 
Oh the joy!
There is life within me! Life. Precious life! How beautiful is that sound!


And then the fear hit.  And then the sadness.
Can I possibly do this?  Can I go through another pregnancy? Sometimes, I don't think I can.  But there's no going back.  I have to just keep going forward--praying with all my might that this baby will live.
I am very very very grateful for the opportunity to be pregnant again and I am sure that it probably doesn't make sense that I am scared and a little sad and definitely not giddy to be pregnant again.  But one thing that I have learned about grief--it doesn't make sense.


Speaking of grief, dearest Isaiah, I read this article today. http://www.aholyexperience.com/2015/03/when-you-feel-wounded-by-your-own/
It brought tears to my eyes.  As we come up on the third anniversary of your death/birth, my heart aches so much.  My heart feels so wounded and no one knows.  No one understands the pain that is still there.  Even I am a little shocked by the amount of pain that is there.
Most people really don't seem to want to know the pain of others.  And that adds to the pain of this fragile heart.  They want to hear of happy and light and joyful things.  Not of flashbacks of still ultrasounds, weeping moms, dead babies, empty cribs, unused clothes.   
Oh Isaiah, am I being unfair?  Maybe I am.  Some, a few, people, I think, really would want to hear because they truly do care.  But my heart cant bear to share.  Why? Maybe its because I feel that they have this expectation that I should be over my grief.  That I am over my grief.  Is that expectation really there? Maybe. Maybe not.  What I do know, is, that as a society, we do a poor job of grieving with others, of entering into their messiness. We are great about rejoicing and celebrating with people.  But we shy away from pain.  From hurt. From grief.  And this should not be so. 
I do not want to wrap up the previous paragraph in a nice little bow by what I say next.  Faith is not easy.  Believing what we cant see is very difficult.  But I have chosen to trust what the Bible says.  So, I am thankful that although I cant physically see my Savior, nor can I physically feel His arms around me or hear His voice speaking to me-- I know that He is there.  That He understands the immense grief and the wounds.  That He comes near to the brokenhearted.  Does that take away the pain? No.  And He never said it would.  But it does bring a measure of comfort to this fragile grieving heart.
Oh Isaiah-- love you lots my son.

2 comments:

  1. Oh I'm so excited for you!!!! AND I totally get it. I feel like parenthood, especially with new life is forever messy and mixed with trauma, fear, anxiety, sadness, and grief, as well as joy, hope, healing and faith. I'm so glad I got back on your blog to check up on your life and so happy about this news for you! Email me if youg et a chance. I'd love to hear more details! Also, I am sending the link to your blog to my good friend who lost her daughter as a still-birth 11 months ago. I think your words are so profound and true and will really help her. Thanks for sharing your voice, as always Julie!

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    1. hey Anna! So good to hear from you! I will definitely email soon. im so sorry for your friend ~ my heart breaks for her and the pain she has walked/is walking through. if she ever wants to chat, please let her know id love to.

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