I am on a crazy emotional rollercoaster.  (And I'd really like to get off)
Some moments are ok---these are few and far between.  During these moments, I feel like I really grasp the truths that God is in control, that Isaiah is in Heaven, that his life and death had purpose, that I will see him again.  I trust the God whom I love.
Some moments are semi-ok---these are more frequent, probably the majority of my moments would fall under this category.  During these times, I am just plain sad.  My heart feels sad, broken.  My arms feel empty.  I long to hold my precious baby.  But theres no despair.  The grief is definitely there, but it's not so heavy that it feels crushing.  I can go about the day and actually get something done.  I cling to the God whom I love.
Then there are the moments that are really bad---these happen at least once a day.  During these moments, I want to scream.  I want to throw something.  I feel angry at the God whom I love.  I feel shock and disbelief that my baby died.  I feel completely heartbroken that I will never hold my little boy this side of Heaven.  I feel jealous towards the millions of women that are pregnant or have precious newborns(I honestly believe that just about 90% of them live near me because EVERYBODY  i know is pregnant or just gave birth!).  During these moments, I want to crawl in bed and sob.  The world seems dark.  I dont think I will ever smile again.  The weight of grief is crushing.  These are very hard moments.
This rollercoaster is exhausting.  And scary.  The path ahead is hidden. 
And I cant get off.