From my journal~

April 24, 2012
Dear Isaiah,
On Saturday, we did your burial and memorial service.  Your burial was so hard.  I had to continually remind myself that although that was your body-it was not you-I had to continually remember the image of God holding me in His right hand and you in His left.  I wanted to scream and run away though.  I did not want to hear any "good" that your life and death were bringing-- I just wanted you in my arms precious one.  Then we had dinner.  I really didnt want to be there--it was so difficult to even look at my 2 sweet pregnant sister in laws--struggling so much with jealousy.  Why God--why did you have all three of us be pregnant at the same time.  And all three pregnant with little boys...
Then came the memorial service.  Wow--so many many people came.  What a huge blessing.  During the video, I think everyone cried.  Your daddy did such a good job speaking--God helped him.  The recieving line was so long but people were so compassionate, crying with us (although by then I was no longer crying-which felt kinda weird-like we were comforting others).  Everyone said it was beautiful. 
Your sisters are doing better.  AG will finally say your name. 
Each day is getting slightly better I think, less dark feeling, more trusting that God had/has a plan for you.  So thankful for Him GIVING His only son that I may live-that you may live.
But there's still the overwhelming weight of grief that just hits and smothers me.  Then guilt hits sometimes.  And Daddy and I both still struggle with "WHY?"  Heaven seems so much more real though.  So close.  This life is such a vapor.  God is truly in control.  I always try to gain control, but I cant this time. 
Oh sweet boy, your life has truly had a huge impact.  As John B was saying--some people can live 90 years and have no impact, but others, like you, live only a short time (9months) and have a huge impact. 
I love you so dearly.
I long to see you again.
With love,
Momma