Dearest Isaiah,
The grief monster is rearing its ugly head again.  Besides the fact that its back, this time, its a bit of a different kind of beast.  I cant put my finger on what's different about it -- a bit lonelier maybe? Everyone else (including Daddy) seems to have moved on and healed.  My heart, though, still just feels sad.  And the fact that they have moved on, but I haven't, makes it all the harder. Along with being lonelier, the grief is more final.  You really are gone.  I really didn't get a chance to meet you and, this side of heaven, I never will.  Your life, the plans that I had, the dreams of how my family would look... they are gone. 
Oh Isaiah.
At almost two years post, I can still hardly bear it when I'm with a bunch a moms and the conversation turns (as it ALWAYS does!) to pregnancy, birth, ttc etc.  It causes my heart to just ache and ache. Seeing a sweet little momma with her sweet little baby bump is so so so difficult. I wonder, would it be easier if I had gotten pregnant again? Having J has been such a blessing, a wonderful gift.  Truly-- he is a ray of sunshine in my life.  But, I didn't give birth to him... is there healing that comes from going through a pregnancy and giving birth to a live baby after enduring a still birth? Would I be better able to endure seeing pregnant friends, better able to join in the pregnancy conversations?  Or would the intense pain that comes with the searing memories still surface?
Oh Isaiah.
Longing for you sweet precious son. 
Love,
Momma

Originally, she came to stay with us for just a few days.  And then she went home for about a week.  Then, her mom called and asked if I would pick her up and take care of her for awhile. 
Eleven months later and we are still taking care of her.

My husband and I have always been interested in foster/adoption --we even talked about it before we were married(oh how fun and innocent and simple life seemed back then!).  However, we were thinking young children.  Babies.  Toddlers at the oldest.  We knew enough to know that a three year old who has been raised in a terrible environment will have some deep wounds.  And those wounds will need lots of skilled care to heal.  And we knew we did not have that type of skill.  

However, God obviously had different plans than we had. 

We planned to have a third child.
                         God allowed our third child to die.
We planned to then foster or adopt an infant.  (My husband clearly said-- no child over 2.)
                         God brought us a three year old.

Let me be very clear here--I like to be in control.  I like to make a plan and then follow that plan, checking off each step as it is accomplished. 

She is hurting.  Her wounds are very raw.  She's angry and lashing out. 
Its difficult for me to see the wounds.  Instead, I see the tantrums, the disobedience, the meanness.  (She's four now and she still poops in her pull-up, but only when she wants to.  If she wants a treat-- she'll poop in the potty.  If she's angry-- she'll poop in her pull-up.  Do you know what its like to change a four year old's poop?  Its Disgusting.  I HATE DOING IT.)

There are times when I feel so angry at God.  "Why, God?" I question Him.  I cry out in ager to this God "Why did my baby die? Why did you bring this child to me?  Why do I have to deal with an angry, mean, fighting-the-world four year old after everything else that I've been through?"

She doesn't want us to have control over her.  She believes that she must remain in control.  No matter the consequence.  But she cant continue to live like that.  She must learn to trust us.  She must allow us to take care of her.  To trust the decisions we make for her.  She must realize that she doesn't see nor understand as we do.  She must find rest in our love.

After my tears dry up and the questions stop pouring forth, I hear a small voice saying to me "My child-- I love you.  And I have a plan for your life.  A plan that you can not see nor understand.  My ways are not your ways.  You simply must trust Me.  You must learn to let go of your plans, to open your tightly fisted hand, to let go of control and keep your eyes on Me.  This world, your plans, they will not bring you joy because you do not see the whole picture.  You must trust me. "


She and I-- I'm thinking we may have a few things in common. 
   


  

Tough times this week:
~Waiting in a line and a pregnant lady gets in line behind me.  I wanted to run away.  I literally had to work really hard to just stand still.  Is it crazy that I still feel panicky/sad/angry/jealous when seeing pregnant women?  Shouldn't I be better by now?
~My sis in law sent a text announcing her 4th pregnancy.  Yep, she was pregnant with her third when I was pregnant with Isaiah, my third.  Yep, she got her son.  And, yep, she is pregnant again! I am so very happy for them.  I am so very sad that its not that easy for me. Now, I'm just waiting for my other sister in law (who was also pregnant when I was pregnant) to announce that she's pregnant....

Sweet times this week:
~Sitting in the nursery that would have been Isaiah's room and rocking my sweet rainbow son "J" while watching my sweet foster son "C" play.  Knowing that I have been able to love on two boys who have also experienced a loss in their little lives is somehow comforting.
~Listening to my oldest daughter AnnaGrace call J her "best bud in the whole wide world".  I love the sweet relationship between them!   I love that she has a little brother here on earth.  I am so thankful for his precious, miraculous life.

In the bike trailer together.
I know, I know, J looks a little funny here. :)

Confusing time this week:
~Meeting C's mom at the foster care review board meeting, and watching as the board reviewed the case against her and then delivered some hard news.  She cried.  I felt so sorry for her.  I felt a little angry too--why had she done those things to her precious son?  Didn't she realize what a gift he was? But, mostly, I felt sorry for her.  I wonder what her life has been like.  What her life is currently like.  I tried to comfort her a little.  She asked me to give her son a hug from her.  I understand the feeling of losing a son and just wanting to simply give him a hug.  I told her I definitely would. And I did.
~Emmie is having a terrible time.  She starts counseling on Friday.  I hope it helps.  I just need to do one whole post on the situation with her.  Its just really hard stuff.    
 

Where do I begin?

Well, they say a picture is worth a 1,000 words, so I'll just share a couple snapshots from our last few months:


We landed back in the hospital for the second time this summer.  Different little girl.  Different problem. STILL.NO.FUN.
 Hoping and praying for no more hospital stays in the near future!
 

After our stay in the hospital, we headed to the beach for some R & R. It was a sweet time of much needed rest. And of smiles. :)

 

We were so thankful for this time away.  We did not want to go home! 





 

 

 

While at the beach, DSS called (again!) asking if we would consider taking a foster child.  This time we decided to say yes. And the Monday we returned, a precious 14 month old boy was brought to our home. My heart breaks for "C" (who is on the left); suffice it to say he has had nothing short of a very very very tough first 14months of life.

 

 

 

 

Doing life with 5 little ones ages 6yo and under is WiLd and CrAzY :)

 

 

 

And although my arms are never empty these days, my heart still longs, grieves, yearns for the little one that I will never again (this side of eternity) hold.

 

 

There is so much to write.  So many emotions in this heart of mine that I need to process.  There is still so much sadness over losing Isaiah; there is still so much envy of others and their "perfect" pregnancies and birth stories"; there is  unbelief about how a mom could so neglect her 14month old baby boy; there is confusion about why God chooses to take some little babies but He decides to grant life to others; there is a growing awareness of all the brokenness in this world (I truly led such a sheltered happy life); there is a grieving and a questioning of God about all this brokenness.... there are just so many many emotions. 

However, my day has been (just a tad) busy, and I am tired. 

So, I'm going to sign off. 

But I do hope to write again soon. 



The other night, I went to our local Women's and Children's hospital and donated some itty bitty diapers (teeny tears), gowns, blankets, and hats. 

When I handed them over to the nurse that I had been corresponding with, she explained to the other nurses that they were for the IUFD's (intrauterine fetal demise).  The way she said it made me kinda sad.  IUFD's?  No, they are babies.  Babies that were dreamed about, talked about, planned for, hoped for, prayed for, longed for, and loved.  Babies that have died. Somehow, hearing them called IUFDs cheapens their lives. 
 
"Dear God,
 I pray for each of these mommas.  I pray that as they wrap their little ones in these garments that You would wrap Your arms around them.  I pray that they would feel Your love and comfort.  As their hearts shatter, give them a supernatural peace in their soul.  Remind them that in Heaven, every tear will be wiped away and there will be no more goodbyes.  Thank You Lord for hope."

Dearest Isaiah,
Tonight I feel angry at God.  I haven't felt angry at Him in awhile.  I don't understand what He is doing, what He was doing.  I look at back at pictures that were taken 3 weeks before your birth and I just feel so sad.  AnnaGrace and Kate look so innocent and young.  What was God doing to take their brother like that? Why God? Why did You do that?  Will You really use it for their good?  I don't see how that's possible.

March 2012

On top of that, why have you brought little Emmie here? My heart breaks for her - the things that she has had to endure over the past 3 years are unimaginable.  But I question whether we can be the right parents for her.  I don't know if we can help her heal.  Did You make a mistake? Shouldn't You have brought her to more qualified parents? Its hard.  Very hard.  And we have already endured hard stuff.  I'm tired of enduring hard stuff.
Oh Isaiah, as I type these words, I feel immense guilt.  God has blessed so much with giving us baby J.  Oh what a blessing that baby boy is! 

My Precious Rainbow

And He has worked a zillion miracles in rescuing Emmie out of the abusive situation.  Do I have such little faith that my Abba Father will continue to help us? I am trying to trust Him.  But, sometimes, I would like to go back, even if for just a day, and be pregnant with Isaiah.  Pregnant and enjoying a normal day with my sweet daughters. I can hardly remember what that life was like. 
Oh Isaiah.  I love you precious boy of mine!
Love,
Momma
    

July 3, 2013

Dearest Isaiah,
The last 15 months of my life have turned out so very different than I could have ever imagined.  I went to bed on April 12, 2012 not knowing that my world was about to start spinning out of control (well-- at least feel like it was spinning out of control and I say "feel" because I know, by faith, that God was always in control. it just hasn't felt like He was in control.).  Anyways, that night, as I fell asleep with you wiggling in my womb, I didn't know that I was about to lose you.  I didn't know that a little baby that I would one day call son was about to be conceived in another's womb.  I didn't know that there was a little girl living a few miles down the street who was being abused in wretched ways.  I didn't know this little girl would soon be calling me momma. I didn't know any of this.  I thought that my simple, easy, in control, nice life would continue on as it always had.  Oh was I mistaken!
My life is so very different now. 
Here is an example, albeit one small and kinda funny example of how different my life is.  Instead of reading this:

I'm reading this:

sorry this picture is upside down-- not sure why it is upside down-- it was right side up when I "selected" it :)
for those of you who don't feel like standing on your head to read it-- its a book entitled "Thriving as an Adoptive Family"

Yes, I used to love pouring over all things related to decorating.  Know that blog Young H0use L0ve? I used to read it every.single.day.  :) Now I pour over baby
loss and foster and adoption blogs.

As I think about how different my life is today as compared to the way my life was on April 12, 2012, various emotions bubble up:

1. Sadness-- life seemed so easy. So easy and innocent.  And good. Life was good back then, and in a way, I feel sad that life no longer seems this way.
2.  Wistfulness-- There is a sense of longing to have that easy, innocent life back.
3. Gratefulness-- Now this, I guess, contradicts those fist two points, but, hey, that's my emotions for you...confusing and, at times, contradictory :) Anyways, back to gratefulness.  There is a gratefulness for the things that God has shown me through the loss of you, Isaiah, the adoption of J, and the "fostering" of Emmie.  There are lessons that we can not learn during the easy times of life-- lessons only grasped during the trial.   Lessons like:
     ~ I have learned that I am not in control.  He is. And it is good to rest in His sovereignty. 
     ~He has taught me to long for Heaven.  Every tear, every single tear, will be wiped away. Wow.
     ~He has taught me that there is much pain in this life.  But, He brings beauty from, and in the midst of, that pain.  Beauty from ashes.  He promises to do this. And He is true to His promise.
These are a few of the lessons that I have learned.  Hard but good lessons. 

There are many more emotions that I could write about.  However, 3 of the 4 children are napping.  And if I don't go wake 2 of those 3, they will be up ALL NIGHT LONG -- so I better run. :)

Love you Isaiah!