I have writers block.  Really bad writers block.  I have no idea what to blog about-- and its not for lack of thoughts or emotions (because there are certainly plenty of those swirling through this head and heart of mine!).  But I want to write -- I want to record and remember this crazy journey that is my life.
So, here are just a bunch of things I've been thinking/feeling lately:

1. Fear. I constantly and I mean CONSTANTLY check to see if this wee baby of mine is breathing.  During the day, he sleeps downstairs, in the kitchen, with me right there watching him.  I admit--I'm a little paranoid.  I see my paranoia and I don't like it.  But I guess that's something I have to do battle with right now.  Here is an example of my crazy fear:  It was all I could do to make myself go to Target today.  Not because I didn't want to go to Target.  But because baby had not had a good nap all day and was currently sleeping and so I really needed to leave him, at home, sleeping.  So I decided to go, alone.  Before I left, my husband was instructed to please check on baby every few minutes.  I finally got myself out the door ok. And I made it to Target ok. I made it through Target ok (and actually enjoyed shopping alone for a bit!). But, then, on the way home, I heard sirens, and they were headed in the general area of my home.  Immediately, sad/scary/not good thoughts started barraging my brain.  I wish I could say that I was strong and fought them off and trusted.
But, I cant.
Because I wasn't. 
I simply gave in to the bad thoughts and didn't trust. 
So, I called my husband and in a calm voice (trying not to let on that I was on the verge of panic) said "Hey-- how are things?"
(what I meant, of course, was--is baby still breathing????) 
"Just peachy." were my husbands exact words. 
SIGH. 
Breathe. 
Crazy me. 
               "Dear God, Please help me to trust You with this sweet precious little one."

2. Envy.  This feeling is nothing new.  I just still get very jealous of all the women that I know that simply decide one day that they want to get pregnant, and they then proceed to quickly get pregnant, and they then go on to have super healthy pregnancies and, then, at the appointed time, they deliver healthy babies.  I'm happy for them.  It just kinda hurts. And I'm just a wee bit jealous.

3.  Surprise.  This goes along with #2.  I'm actually surprised at all the healthy babies.  I went to a baby shower this week.  I just wanted to stare at the belly. 
Here are my crazy thoughts:
"There is really a real, healthy, growing, little baby in there.  Soon she will be born.  She will come out pink and crying.  Her mom will snuggle with her.  Her big siblings will come meet her.  There will be joy... "
For some strange reason, healthy babies are just shocking to me.

4.  Sadness.  This will always be with me I think.  Just missing Isaiah. Missing him so so much

5. Longing.  Longing for the day when all will be made right.  When mommas wont have to let go of their babies.  When arms wont ache to hold the life that should have been.  When every tear will be wiped away.  Oh how I long for that day. 
My daughter Kate told me the other day that her children (she was pretending to be a momma) went to heaven. 
"Oh?" I said "Tell me about that."
She proceeded to tell me that they were just swinging on the swing set and went higher and higher and higher and then they went to heaven.
Oh the sweet simplicity of a child's heart. :)
I kinda wish we could all just swing up to heaven. 
Seriously, though, one day we actually will be headed there. 
Oh how sweet it will be!

Well, its getting late.  I need to go snuggle a precious little boy.  Here is a picture of said precious little boy:

oh how i love this little boy.

So my idea of how to catch everyone up on the happenings of the past couple of months is just not working too well. :) Copying my journal entries seemed like a good idea-- but it wasn't.  Too confusing.  And at the rate I'm going, I'll never catch ya'll up!  Which is why I have decided to just sit down and post one very long entry (well, as long as the kiddo's naps allow). 
Here goes....

I wrote before about a birth mom, Katie. 

Oh and names have been changed (:

I think I told you that Katie looked at profiles.... well, she did, and she chose ours!
I met her and after the meeting she texted me and said she really wanted us to be the baby's family
When I read her text, excitement and joy and fear and unbelief all filled my heart.  I called hubby and could barely tell him! Poor guy-- I was a crazy mess! Have I ever told you that he's the calm, stable one in the relationship? Well, he is :)

The baby's due date was still several months away and there was a question about the identity of the birth dad. So, after the initial excitement of her choosing us wore off, I began to seriously doubt the adoption would go through. 

Katie wanted me to be with her at doctors appointments-- so I went with her.  That was very very difficult for me emotionally-- the first time I watched her lay down on the exam table and then listened as the doctor found the baby's heart beat, I very nearly started sobbing.  Flashbacks of losing Isaiah were plentiful, to say the least.  

As the weeks went by, I tried so hard not to "bond" with this baby.  I didn't want my heart to shatter. Shattering had already happened once.  I couldn't go through that again.

I constantly tried to make sure that Katie felt safe enough with me that, if she ever even remotely had second thoughts, she could tell me.
But she constantly assured me, that though it was going to be terribly hard, it was the right thing for her to do.  She was very young.  This was not her first child.  She just couldn't give him what she wanted him to have.  She felt very sure that God had brought our family to her and she was very thankful for us.

As the due date approached, one possible birth dad (the one that was mostly likely to be the real one) showed back up on the scene and said he may not want to place the baby for adoption. He couldn't decide.  He would think about it.

Aggg!

So, we prayed and waited and trusted and waited and tried to guard our hearts.
What we didn't do was prepare.  We did not prepare for a baby. At all. Been there, done that. Wasn't going to go there again.

About a week before the due date, the dad texted my hubby and said he felt like yes he did want to place the baby and felt like yes we should be the family! 
My husband was excited!
I  guarded my heart.

After all, we didn't know if he was really even the birth dad.

One night, I got a text that the baby was about to be born.
I raced to the hospital.
I walked into the room as the nurses were weighing a precious baby boy.
Such a beautiful beautiful precious baby boy.

I immediately walked over to Katie to check on her.
The nurses handed her the baby.
Holding him close, she started crying.
My heart started breaking. For her. For me.  For the baby.

Adoption is born out of sorrow.
It is beautiful, yes, but it is beauty that comes from sadness.

The next morning, Katie was due to sign.
That morning, soon after waking up, I started crying.  I did not cry for myself--I cried for Katie.  I had recently said goodbye to a son.  I knew that pain-- that pain of letting go of a part of you.  That pain that no words can describe.  Different circumstances, yes, but still, she was saying goodbye to the little one that she had carried close to her heart for nine long months, the little one that was a part of her, the little one that she had just labored to bring into this world.

About 2 hours prior to her scheduled signing time, I decided that maybe I should go ahead and buy a bottle or two.  And maybe wash some sheets.  I did not pack a diaper bag though.  I went to the closet, got it off the shelf.  And then put it right back up on the shelf.  I just couldn't do it.

At the appointed time, the hubby and I made our way to the hospital.  We were ushered into the nursery where we sat with the baby waiting to hear if Katie signed.

Finally, the word came.  Katie actually texted me herself.  She had signed.

Let me just stop here and say, her love for this baby is incredible.  An incredible and strong and amazing love.  This baby will always know about the beautiful young girl that was his birth mom. 

She signed. She signed! 
We had a son!

Could my heart be so full of joy and sadness at the same time?

Let me introduce our son:

 

 

And that, my friends, is just the beginning.... 

Dearest Isaiah,

Its over.
I made it. 
You have now been away from me for more than a year. 
Can that much time really have passed since that dreadfully awful day?

On Sunday, the day of your birth, we decided to have some friends and family over.  AnnaGrace called it your birthday party.  I was not sure what to call it exactly.  Whatever "it" was, it was good in that it kept me busy and didn't allow me to stay in bed all day.  My theme for it was hope-- the hope we have that has been an anchor for us through this terrible storm. 

Some very dear friends wrote letters to you and bought balloons and "sent" the letters up to you in heaven.  AnnaGrace was thrilled to be the one to let the balloons go.  But then, when we went inside, she almost cried.  Helping her walk through the grief has almost been harder than walking through the grief myself.

After everyone left, we lit a candle and sang Happy Birthday to you.  Your sisters all blew it out together.  AnnaGrace had wrapped a gift for you.  And so did I.  So we unwrapped the gifts.   

 

By that time, I was just plain exhausted.  Too exhausted to even cry.
So I finished cleaning up and went to bed.

So, how do I feel about passing the one year mark?  I am definitely a little relieved.  I am definitely very sad.  And I am thankful that we made it.  There were days when I wasn't sure if we would make it.  But we did!  I've thought about if I could go back and meet the Julie that just found out that her precious baby had died-- I've thought about what I would tell her.  And I think I would just give her a hug and say, "You will make it.  It will be hard, oh so hard, but you will make it.  Give yourself grace. Grace to grieve in the way you need to.  Even if no one else understands.  And keep your thoughts focused, not on the hopelessness of death, but on the promise of eternal life.  Your son lives.  Just not in your arms.  You will make it."

Oh Isaiah, I think of you constantly.  I miss you incredibly.
Much love,
Momma

What would you tell yourself if you could go back?

Dearest Isaiah,
I am sitting by your grave typing this in my phone.  The day is gorgeous- for that I am very thankful. I have been fighting back tears all day - well actually all week. As I struggle to make it through today and tomorrow, I have been thinking a lot about the death if my Savior.  Had He not died - I would be outrageously angry at God for taking my son.  Not that that would matter - because being God, He has the express privelege of doing what He pleases.  But the fact that God willingly sent his one and only son to die for me - the fact that my savior died for me means that I can trust him.  I can know that he is for me and not against me.  I can know that he will redeem that which was lost.  As I sit by your grave--I think of the beautiful scandalous cross and my soul rests.
Love you so very much Isaiah,
Mom

I knew that this week leading up to Isaiah's one year birthday would be hard-- I just didn't realize that it would be this hard.  It has been a long time since I've cried this much.  Reliving the events surrounding his death and birth are not fun.  I constantly think back to what I was doing a year ago.  A year ago yesterday, I had a doctors visit.  They did an ultrasound and he looked healthy.  Everything looked good. But, of course, something was not good.  Something was wrong.  Oh how I wish that I knew what that something was. 
Whenever I feel overwhelmed by grief, I think of the other ladies whose stories I have read and that brings me comfort.  I know that I am not alone in my grief.  I know that there are women who truly understand. I know that I will make it-- just like they are making it.  Life for me, and for them, is different and it will never return to what used to be normal, but we will make it.
Oh Isaiah, how I long to hold you in my arms again.   

Dec 1, 2012

Dearest Isaiah,
So much is happening right now-- its kinda crazy.  Last night, Emmie's mom texted and asked for us to drop her off at her house.  So we, of course, did.  It didn't appear to be the greatest situation.  Emmie did not want to go.  I am so sad for her.  I hope that she is safe. I'll never forget those sweet big brown eyes looking at me as I left. Praying for her lots.
In adoption news-- Jane is showing the birth mom the profiles on Monday.  I am desperately trying to not think about it-- desperately trying to guard my heart.  But it is so difficult.  The fact that I even dreamed about it last night shows how much I'm not thinking about it! :)
In health news-- I feel ridiculously awful.  I'm on yet another round of antibiotics for a sinus/ear infection which wont go away.  The fact that it wont go away makes me think, of course, that I have a brain tumor.  This grieving thing has so many ugly facets-- fear of dying being one of them.  :(

"Dear God, Please protect Emmie.  Please heal me.  Please be present. Amen"

Love you Isaiah,

April 5, 2013

This past week, I started battling feelings of guilt again.  Why did I try for a VBAC? Why why why? The regret that I have over that decision is immense and, at times, overwhelming.  Oh how I wish I could go back in time and opt to have the c-section.  Even if the something that was terribly wrong with Isaiah would have caused him to die shortly after birth-- at least he would have been born alive.  At least I could have met my precious son, held him in my arms, and looked into his sweet eyes.  At least he would have a birth certificate.  And maybe, just maybe, his life could have been spared. 
On Tuesday night, some girls from my old "community" group met together.  They were very sweet to ask how I was doing.  In response, I just started crying.  I shared with them how I was feeling so very guilty. What a blessing they were as they wrapped their arms around me, allowed me to cry, and spoke gentle words of truth--directing me back to the One who created Isaiah and planned his days before there was even one.
So thankful for friends. And Truth.

Nine more days.
I'm ready for the one year mark to be behind me.

And now, I'll continue with another journal entry...

November 28, 2012
Dearest Isaiah,
Yesterday Jane called.  In typical Jane fashion, she was talking fast. And, of course, in the midst of her conversation, her cell phone kept losing service.  Aggg!  Finally, I got the story. Here's the scoop...  There is a birth mom Katie who is due Feb 9th.  She had been matched with an adoptive couple but now that adoptive mom is pregnant and the couple wants to back out.  So, do we want to submit our profile??? Oh and the baby is a boy.  :)
 
Agggg.
My emotions are crazy right now.. 
I'm really trying to think it wont happen.  But its so hard.
Lots to pray about!

Love you sweet boy!