I'm really really thankful for my daughters.

• Yesterday, my 2 year old brings me two flowers (well, they were actually weeds!).  Handing me one, she says "This one for Isaiah". Thanking her, I take the flower.   "And this one for you" she says as she hands me the second one. Can I cry?  :)
• At night, Daniel and I usually pray with the  girls.  Well my two year old has pretty much prayed the same sentence in every prayer since Isaiah died. In her precious two year old voice, she asks God to "Help momma feel better."  Oh the sweetness of a child's faith and love. 

 



I really really enjoy running in the mornings.  It is one place in my life where I feel like I am, at least somewhat, in control (I can run fast or slow), where I know just what to expect (the tough spots-- ie hills --are always in the exact same spot, no surprises), where I dont have to fake anything (I can even cry... its dark so no one sees my face), and where I get to be a spectator of God's unharmed-by-man-handiwork (some of the sunrises are just amazing). 

 



I'm really really affected by the weather.  It has been cloudy and drizzling ("tinkling" as my daughters say) for two days now.  I'm fighting the temptation to climb into bed and just cry.  Instead, I think I will get my two girls and my mom and go shopping!

(insert picture of Target here!)

 



I'm really really longing for Heaven.  The heartache of many fellow mommas is weighing heavily on my heart.... a momma who was forced to say goodbye way to soon to her teenage daughter because of a car accident; a momma who buried her precious 9 year old son last week after his long battle with a progressive disease, a momma struggling to survive a battle with breast cancer so that she may live to raise her precious adopted daughter, a momma who may be a single mom soon because of a crazy, unexpected stroke that may claim the life of her husband... Truly it feels as if "the whole creation has been groaning..." (Rom 8:23).  "Oh God, the sadness and suffering of so many women is so great.  Please, God, hold these dear precious mommas in Your gentle arms.  May their weary souls find rest in You.  In our sadness, help us to cling to the Cross...the love and hope that it represents. Thank You for the Cross... because of it, our greatest need has been met."

(image via pinterest)



Now... off to do some "shop therapy"....

Dearest Isaiah,

Today marks your 5month "birth" day.  Precious baby... I miss you so much.  So much that my heart just feels like it will soon be crushed from the weight of the grief, so much that my arms literally ache from the emptiness.  I am still in complete shock that you are not here.  I cant believe that you were still born...    You were growing so well...  The pregnancy was going so well... There were no problems.  How is it possible that you died?  What caused you to die? 

Sometimes, I just want to throw something.

Your cousin was born this week.  Little E.  Perfectly healthy, perfectly alive.  A. gave birth at home.  Water broke, labor began, 3 hours later.. E was here.  Crying.  Breathing.  Healthy.  Beautiful.  I'd be completely lying if I said I wasnt jealous.  Very jealous. I was hoping and dreaming of a natural birth.  I was so looking forward to not having to endure a c-section.  How silly that seems now... I would endure any amount of surgery/pain just to have you be alive and healthy. 

So, now, your 2 cousins are here.  L who is 2 months younger than you.  And E who is 5 months younger than you.  But you, of course, are not here.

Sometimes, I just want to climb into bed and sob.

Oh Isaiah.  Life used to seem to simple.

And so good. 

I now know that life is hard.  There is suffering.  There is sadness.  Bad things really do happen.  People really do die.

BUT, with this realization, comes the deep understanding of just what my Savior did for me.  I am learning that He met my greatest need.  My greatest need was not a cushy life.  It was not freedom from adversity.  My greatest need was for forgiveness.  For reconciliation with a pefect God.  For life after death.  And that is what Jesus, my Savior, my precious Savior,  did on the cross.  He met my greatest need.

And so I grieve.  But I grieve with a glimmer of hope.  Hope because I know that I will see you again.

Sweet Isaiah, I love you.  I love you to the moon and back!!

Momma   



Wow--this past month has been hard.  . 
Overall, though, I think the journey has gotten a little easier... I'm not feeling the need to hide out at home and grieve 24/7, I'm not dreading play dates with friends as much, I've been able to hold my 3 month old nephew without sobbing, and I've been able to talk to my sister-in-law about her pregnancy and the anticipated arrival of her son...
Even though it has been much slower than I had hoped, I can look back and see that I have made progress along this rough path... definitely thankful for progress!

I've written some about my four year old daughter and the way that she has handled losing Isaiah.  Suffice it to say, it has not been an easy journey for her.  One of the things that I decided to do to help her express her grief was to make an "Isaiah Book".  We went to Target and picked out a photo album, then I let her select some pictures that she wanted to put into her book.  After that, she told me exactly where she wanted each picture placed and what she wanted me to write beside each picture.  She drew in some pictures as well.  I wasn't sure how she would feel about the book, but she really got into it!  Now, she keeps it on a shelf beside her bed and looks at it from time to time.  I'm hoping that it will always be a precious reminder to her of her little brother.  

 

 

 

 



The night before last, Daniel, the girls, and I were working on a puzzle together (princesses, of course!).  I glanced down to the pieces that my 2 year old daughter had been working on and started to laugh... She had found two pieces that looked like they should go together, but did not, and decided to make them work by placing a sticker on them--in essence taping them together.  :) 
After laughing, I realized that sometimes that is just what I do with my life.  My life is sort of like a puzzle.  The picture is not complete yet,  God is still working on it. Sometimes, I get anxious and try to hurry the process or try to make various pieces fit.  Instead of letting God do the work, I jam pieces together and then apply tape to hold it together.  It may work for awhile, but the picture is not as beautiful as it could/should be and, ultimately, it wont hold up. 
A good current example, with the adoption journey that we have begun, I want to speed things up.  I want the perfect situation to come along NOW.  Already, we have been presented with several situations where an adoptive family is needed.  But have said no each time because we have felt like God was telling us to wait.  BUT I've been tempted to manipulate circumstances to make the situations work.  Like the puzzle, though, if I just wait and allow God to put the pieces together, the end result will be much more beautiful than anything I could do on my own.  He is a good God.  And He is at work!   

At times, I struggle, still, with truly believing that God loves me.  I question His love... how could He love me when He allowed my precious son to die.  Would a good God allow death?  But during these times of struggle, I try to focus on Truth:
     "God's unfailing love for us is an objective fact affirmed over and over in the Scriptures.  It is true whether we believe it or not.  Our doubts do not destroy God's love, nor does our faith create it.  It originates in the very nature of God, who is love, and it flows to us through our union with His beloved Son." (from the book Trusting God Even When Life Hurts)
Our union with His beloved Son... please read this post to get a good picture of what Christ's love drove Him to do for each of us and why His love can sustain us through each moment (yes, even the moments when our hearts are shattering).

Dear God,
Today marks Isaiah's 4month "birthday".  I can't believe that it has already been four months since he died.  Has it really been four months since I saw that screen that was so terribly still, four months since the doctor shook her head sadly, four months since my heart completely shattered?
God, I still don't understand why You allowed him to die.  Why, Abba Father, why?  Oh how I wish I knew.  Sometimes, I still feel angry with You that You did not spare his life.  But, God, I believe that You are good.  And I believe that You are near to the broken hearted. And I believe that You are working out Your perfect plan.  And I CHOOSE TO TRUST.
God, there have been many many tears today.  Oh God, how I long for Eternity...when all things will be made right.  Where every tear will be wiped away.   
God, I know that You are a God who delights in redemption, in bringing beauty from ashes.  I pray that You would redeem this situation and bring good from bad.  Where the memories bring intense and crushing pain, please bring peace.  Where the intimate knowledge that death can happen to anyone at anytime brings fear and panic, please bring trust.  Where unanswered questions bring guilt, please bring rest.  Where news of healthy babies brings jealousy, please bring joy.  I ask that You would bring beauty from the ashes of Isaiah's death.  In my life, in Daniel's life, and in the lives of my two precious daughters, please, please make this a beautiful thing.
God, I have wrestled with my understanding of who You are more in the past 4 months than the previous 30+ years.  Continue to help me to know the real You.  Continue to help that relationship grow.  I need You now more than ever.
Your daughter,
Julie
PS Please tell my precious baby boy that his momma loves him so very much.

I remember that my OBGYN said, as she was discharging me from the hospital, to wait 3-5months before trying to conceive.  I just laughed... no way was I even thinking about doing this again anytime soon.  Well, now that I've hit the 4month mark (well on the 14th), I find myself thinking about the possibility of having another baby. The thought brings excitement to my heart.  A certain joy.  However, we are not contemplating trying to get pregnant right now.  But, we are thinking about adoption.  Yes, adoption.  That might seem kinda shocking, I know.  Below is the letter that my husband and I wrote to our friends and family explaining our new journey--hopefully it does an adequate job of describing our hearts. 

Dear Friends,

      We just wanted to let each of you know how much your support and encouragement has meant to our family as we have journeyed down the difficult path of saying goodbye to our son.  We truly feel that God has demonstrated His mighty love for us through each of you.  What a blessing every note, meal, hug, and prayer have been—thank you!
We also wanted to let you know that we are excited about beginning the process of pursuing adoption.  We want to share our hearts in regards to this issue and to invite each of you to come alongside us and journey with us.

First, a little background…

Before Daniel and I were married, we discussed our desire to one day adopt.  Adoption is very important to us for many reasons:

• Orphans and the concept of adoption are both near and dear to the heart of our Savior.
• So many verses speak to this truth:
• James 1:27 - Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to care for the orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.
• Isaiah 1:17 - Learn to do good; Seek justice, Rebuke the oppressor; defend the fatherless, plead for the widow.
• Psalm 146:9 - The Lord watches over the strangers; He relieves the fatherless and widow;
• Job 29:12 - Because I delivered the poor who cried out, the fatherless and the one who had no helper.
• Psalm 68:5-6 - A father of the fatherless, a defender of widows, Is God in His holy habitation. God sets the solitary in families; He brings out those who are bound into prosperity;   
• As John Piper so eloquently states:

God did not have to use the concept of adoption to explain how he saved us, or even how we become part of his family. He could have stayed with the language of new birth so that all his children were described as children by nature only. But he chose to speak of us as adopted as well as being children by new birth. This is the most essential foundation of the practice of adoption.

·         Adoptive families are greatly needed.

o        Every 18 seconds another child becomes an orphan, without a mother or father.

o        “There are 140 million children who have individual faces, laughs, and personalities. And those are 140 million children who live without parents, may cry alone at night, and may feel unloved.” (show hope.org)

o        “While the church has for many years championed the cause of the unborn through pro-life activity, it has not been nearly as supportive in finding homes for the newborn children of these crisis pregnancies. If we are going to be pro-life, we must also be "pro-adoption!"  The damage done to women through abortion is truly horrible. Post-abortion stress syndrome affects tens of thousand of women, making them vulnerable to many physical and psychological illnesses. But worse than these problems is the weight of guilt that many women bear for years due to the taking of the life of their unborn child. Studies show that birth fathers suffer many of the same difficulties. By making adoption more common, more women will choose to place their children into the permanent embrace of a loving Christian home.”  (cafadopt.org)

The need is great and adoption is important to God.  The more we saw the need and saw the heart of our Savior, the more passionate we became about adoption.  So, last summer, we began the process of being approved for the “Foster to Adopt” program through DSS.  During the middle of the process, we found out that we were expecting a baby.  We decided that we should put that process on hold, but that we would resume a year or two after the baby was born.  We even decided to start an “adoption fund” so that we would have the finances needed when that time came.

Well, as you know, our precious son, Isaiah, was stillborn.  Only those who have had to walk this path can fathom the grief and heartache that we have felt.  Our hearts have truly been broken.  God has been so faithful, though, and has stilled the waves, walked with us through the waters, and not allowed the fire to burn us (Psalm 89:9 & Isaiah 43:2).

No one can ever replace our son.  His life was precious to us, it had purpose, and we will hold his memory near to our hearts.  One day, praise God, we will see him again!  But, he is not here.  The crib is here, the rocking chair is here, the stroller and the car seat are both here, our open arms and hearts are here.  These things are here….but they are empty.

Orphans….  140 million orphans are there.  Real children.  Really there.   

Our prayer is that God would bring the right birth mom and baby at the right time.  So that we would be able to provide a very brave woman with the comfort of knowing that her baby is safe and loved.  So that there would be one less orphan.  So that Light would shine from darkness.  Beauty would come from ashes.  Joy would replace mourning. 

Again, the words of John Piper so accurately describe our hearts: “I realize more than ever ‘that the mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.’ This decision is not merely a tabulation of pros and cons…Yet I am persuaded that this decision to adopt honors God more than not adopting.”
We would never, in a million years, have planned this journey that we have been on.  It has not been easy.  But we know that God is sovereign, and that He is near.  He has a plan for our lives—we are excited about this path that He is establishing for us.  We are so thankful for how each of you, our brothers and sisters in Christ, have journeyed with us over the past months.  Hopefully, we have been able to share with you our excitement about adoption, and we humbly ask that you continue to journey with us!  Please join us in praying that God would be honored, that His will would be accomplished, and that He would unite us with the right birth mom at the right time! 

Much Love,

 Daniel & Julie